I'm so angry at DH right now (vent)

vlewis515 · November 2010

So angry I'm in tears and that takes a lot for me. Backstory: I could take a max of 10 wks off half of which was without pay. DH knew this from the beginning and knew that he needed to pick up the slack with the large amounts of overtime that are available to him. DH took a shift here and there and I tried not to bug him too much about it since he's not the overtime hound in the family I am. I thought more than once that maybe I should have come back earlier and taken the overtime that I could but we hadn't planned for me to go back early as far as child care is concerned.

Anyway...to me, if DH were to tell me that we needed money and I needed to get as much overtime as I could, I'd be signing up to work 12 hours everyday (the max allowed per day) and working on my days off if that was what was required. That's me. To DH if I say work as much as you can, we need the money, he thinks he's a hero for picking up an extra 8 hours a week. Now I'm not ungrateful for what he does but I just feel like if he'd look into our budget with me instead of sticking his head in the sand he'd have been more inclined to do as I asked.

It's just a difference in work ethic to me. I was raised to work and to work your ass off. Which is why while I've been home, Jax has been taken care of, the house has been clean and taken care of, and DH has not had to eat out for any of his meals. But DH was spoiled growing up and a strong work ethic was not something his parents really instilled in him. He's a good man and a good worker but he'd rather go without a little something here and there than push himself too hard. That's what upsets me. I feel like I do what I have to do and he does what he wants to do.

I know this isn't painting him in a very good light and he is a good husband and good father and good provider. I just wish he had the motivation to WANT to provide more for his family.

ShellShockedMama · November 2010

when you say that you want him to want to provide more, what does that mean? Not to get all up in yo' business but is it "he needs to work way more to pay the bills" or is it "he needs to work more to pay the bills, have lots of disposable income so we can do what we used to do before baby" ?

I mean, I would give up TONS of stuff around the house ( we turned off our cable, when to cheaper cell phone plans, no more eating out) to avoid working 12 hour days. When would you ever have family time? money is great and all, but it doesn't compare to spending time with the family.

vlewis515 · November 2010

Well there's kinda the catch. I could totally turn off cable and be fine with it. DH however will throw a total biitch fit over that, but he doesn't want to work more so that we have that extra money. So he wants these things, but doesn't want to work the overtime that has been necessary to keep up with it. If I had known before this was how it was going to be, I'd have had the cable turned off a long time ago and in fact it's about to be turned off. That will also mean he'll have to turn off his game subscriptions...no need for that if we don't have internet at the house. I also wanted a cushion (and worked my pg_ass off to have one before I went on leave) but that's already been budgeted in also until I get back to work.

Anyways to "show me" he has signed up to stay over like every freaking day he works. And I'm going to have to hear about it constantly.

Also we've already given up on Christmas gifts for anyone, which I find humiliating...DH is perfectly fine with that.

ShellShockedMama · November 2010

I see. That stinks. Have you worked the numbers so that you know exactly how much OT is need to keep up with bills, needed to keep up with "x" luxuries? Like 8 hours OT to pay bills, 14 hours OT to pay bills and have cable and eat out once a week, 30 OT to do all that plus have $100 a week spending money....anything like that, to show him what's needed to maintain certain lifestyles?

Also, you can do a homemade christmas, it's AWESOME. I do it every year. I make chocolate pretzels, chocolate boxes and put M&M's inside, everyone LOVES it. The one year I bought stuff, everyone was disappointed. I spend maybe $50 on 20 people.

nferrante · November 2010

vlewis515:

Well there's kinda the catch. I could totally turn off cable and be fine with it. DH however will throw a total biitch fit over that, but he doesn't want to work more so that we have that extra money. So he wants these things, but doesn't want to work the overtime that has been necessary to keep up with it. If I had known before this was how it was going to be, I'd have had the cable turned off a long time ago and in fact it's about to be turned off. That will also mean he'll have to turn off his game subscriptions...no need for that if we don't have internet at the house. I also wanted a cushion (and worked my pg_ass off to have one before I went on leave) but that's already been budgeted in also until I get back to work.

Anyways to "show me" he has signed up to stay over like every freaking day he works. And I'm going to have to hear about it constantly.

Also we've already given up on Christmas gifts for anyone, which I find humiliating...DH is perfectly fine with that.

In our family...we started a tradition 2 christmas's ago....we only buy gifts for the kids...not adults. Maybe you could do that instead. Your LO is so little...one gift would surely suffice!

vlewis515 · November 2010

ShellShockedMama:

I see. That stinks. Have you worked the numbers so that you know exactly how much OT is need to keep up with bills, needed to keep up with "x" luxuries? Like 8 hours OT to pay bills, 14 hours OT to pay bills and have cable and eat out once a week, 30 OT to do all that plus have $100 a week spending money....anything like that, to show him what's needed to maintain certain lifestyles?

This is a completely awesome idea!!!! I always just try to get him to sit down and look at the budget with me, but if I gave a OT value to it that might really show him what this stuff is costing us!!

ShellShockedMama:

Also, you can do a homemade christmas, it's AWESOME. I do it every year. I make chocolate pretzels, chocolate boxes and put M&M's inside, everyone LOVES it. The one year I bought stuff, everyone was disappointed. I spend maybe $50 on 20 people.

This is an equally awesome idea, and it's given me a few ideas of my own! Thanks so much!!

vlewis515 · November 2010

bump fart

ShellShockedMama · November 2010

also homemade Kahlua is always a crowd pleaser. good luck hon. I wish $$ grew on trees. sigh,

sevenonesix · November 2010

I have been so so so lucky in this area. DH got a second job, without me asking, last spring. He's been working mostly 7 days a week (some days off requested here and there) - M-F 14 hour days, then 8 hours on S&S. At first the extra income was to pay for home renovations to get ready for LO. While I got paid on mat leave (and will the rest of my short term disability after LO is here), this really helped us get prepared for baby in other ways too.

After my STD is up I may or may not go back to work 1-3 days a week, very part time (like 12 hours). If I can get placed somewhere that will let me work three weeknights while DH is home then we won't have to pay for childcare and he can have some QT with LO and not work so much. I also have my own business doing makeup - but busy season doesn't start until March.

We've made some cut backs already but I can CERTAINLY find more places to cut back (esp in shopping for baby crap!) still to make it easier on the both of us.

I agree with Shell, Homemade Christmas is so so so much more fun. I hhhhhhhhate getting gifts that don't get used, sit in a pile for a month before being taken to good will. I'd much rather get chocolate covered pretzels (we do this too!).

Good luck hun, I'm sure you'll work it out. Money is frustrating and I, too, wished it grew on trees.

LaciLeigh · November 2010

The other ladies offered great advice, I just wanted to give you ((hugs)).

Homemade Christmas gifts are such a great idea. Or a picture of your LO in a cheap frame. Things like that people love, especially grandparents

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I'm so angry at DH right now (vent)

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