S/O Dr. Phil

DaniGirl0517 · November 2010

Okay Moms, since we are in an uproar/disgust about today's Dr. Phil show...

Where do you draw the line on discipline? How do you know, where do you find the guidelines on discipline? I am being serious not just polling.

DaniGirl0517 · November 2010

I feel that I will be strict and use things that I grew up with that worked to discipline but now I'm freaking out. For instance we used to get: soap in the mouth (now I've also read that is horrible for the child's health), a DROP of hot sauce for a lie but NOT a mouthful, spankings, ect. Okay now these were all very rare occasions and for serious offenses. I never considered my parents abusive, just strict.

Most offenses were met with one or a combination of: time out, added chores, loss of privileges, early bedtime, no dinner. We always received a lecture and we had to acknowledge what we did, say we were sorry and wouldn't do it again, and then we hugged our parent because when it was over, it was over and there was no carried over anger from either us or our parents.

wmramsel · November 2010

Ooooh, this post could get interesting.

On a serious note though, I think that it will be based on individual parents and feelings- but it should also be what works for that child. There is definitely a line that can be crossed, most people know it when they see it. I think when a parent crosses from discipline to anger, that is when things get out of hand a lot.

We got threatened with soap in the mouth, and we got spankings (which worked, my brother and I laughed in the face of time outs), and when we got older it was mostly a loss of privileges, although we were never denied food. Although I am open to use all these things with my children, I will also evaluate what works best for each child.

vlewis84 · November 2010

I don't really know until we get there, but when I was growing up I got cold showers in my clothes and all and now I refuse to get into anything but HOT water, including the ocean I live on. It does mess with you mentally.

izzourclue · November 2010

I don't believe inflicting pain on my dogs as "discipline" is appropriate or affective so I will also not use pain as a discipline technique for my child. So anything that is designed to inflict physical discomfort or degradation of my child's spirit is not on the table. I am a big fan of taking away the fun stuff as punishments for bad behavior. I believe children have the right to love, security, safety, and comfort at all times and will never take those things away. I will however take away Wii and TV which are privileges for when you behave.

wmramsel · November 2010

izzourclue:
I don't believe inflicting pain on my dogs as "discipline" is appropriate or affective so I will also not use pain as a discipline technique for my child. So anything that is designed to inflict physical discomfort or degradation of my child's spirit is not on the table. I am a big fan of taking away the fun stuff as punishments for bad behavior. I believe children have the right to love, security, safety, and comfort at all times and will never take those things away. I will however take away Wii and TV which are privileges for when you behave.

This is really well put!

DaniGirl0517 · November 2010

wmramsel:
Ooooh, this post could get interesting. Oh yeah, okay I'm not trying to offend anyone but I'm just hoping to learn a little and maybe open the conversation because I for one have only a few others to talk to about this.
On a serious note though, I think that it will be based on individual parents and feelings- but it should also be what works for that child. Agree 100% There is definitely a line that can be crossed, most people know it when they see it. I think when a parent crosses from discipline to anger, that is when things get out of hand a lot. This is why we preferred spankings from my dad than my mom, she always seemed to be angry if she resorted to spankings and she used a wooden spoon whereas dad used his bare hand. I'm not sure that we would spank but if we did it would be bare hand because then you KNOW how hard you are doing it. I think any object is horrible.
We got threatened with soap in the mouth, and we got spankings (which worked, my brother and I laughed in the face of time outs), and when we got older it was mostly a loss of privileges, although we were never denied food. Being sent to bed without dinner was rare but usually for when we came home late (past dinner time) and they had eaten without us, or we were mouthing off at/right before dinner. Although I am open to use all these things with my children, I will also evaluate what works best for each child.

DaniGirl0517 · November 2010

izzourclue:
I don't believe inflicting pain on my dogs as "discipline" is appropriate or affective so I will also not use pain as a discipline technique for my child. So anything that is designed to inflict physical discomfort or degradation of my child's spirit is not on the table. I am a big fan of taking away the fun stuff as punishments for bad behavior. I believe children have the right to love, security, safety, and comfort at all times and will never take those things away. I will however take away Wii and TV which are privileges for when you behave.

Very well said!

wmramsel · November 2010

DaniGirl0517:
wmramsel:
Ooooh, this post could get interesting. Oh yeah, okay I'm not trying to offend anyone but I'm just hoping to learn a little and maybe open the conversation because I for one have only a few others to talk to about this.
On a serious note though, I think that it will be based on individual parents and feelings- but it should also be what works for that child. Agree 100% There is definitely a line that can be crossed, most people know it when they see it. I think when a parent crosses from discipline to anger, that is when things get out of hand a lot. This is why we preferred spankings from my dad than my mom, she always seemed to be angry if she resorted to spankings and she used a wooden spoon whereas dad used his bare hand. I'm not sure that we would spank but if we did it would be bare hand because then you KNOW how hard you are doing it. I think any object is horrible.
We got threatened with soap in the mouth, and we got spankings (which worked, my brother and I laughed in the face of time outs), and when we got older it was mostly a loss of privileges, although we were never denied food. Being sent to bed without dinner was rare but usually for when we came home late (past dinner time) and they had eaten without us, or we were mouthing off at/right before dinner. Although I am open to use all these things with my children, I will also evaluate what works best for each child.

Oh I didn't mean that you were! I just think I remember some other discipline posts that got intense- not necessarily that people got offended, but that they started debates. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is interesting to read!

My dad used his bare hand for spanking also, my mom used one of those paddle ball paddles that the ball had come off of- but we preferred my mom's spankings because they didn't hurt as bad!

DaniGirl0517 · November 2010

I know but I just wanted to be clear hun. That's almost funny to me that you preferred your mom's spankings because we would steal the wood spoons and hide them. Whenever my mom checked under our bed there were a couple spoons each under the bed, she says at one point that she couldn't find a single on in the kitchen. This is an example of discipline that I consider very bad, but I appreciate it because it is something I've learned from and have filed away of what NOT to do. Among a few other things my mom has done but that's a whole other post. That being said, I still love her.

PrincessSarah1979 · November 2010

When I was growing up (the eldest of 5) I received the brunt of the physical punishments. I got spanked a lot (mainly by dad with bare hand) and lots soap in the mouth. As my siblings grew up my parents apparently mellowed and they received less physical discipline than I ever did.

I hate the soap thing and I will probably not be using it. I think that spanking will remain on the table, but in a restrained manner and only as a last extreme. I think spanking can be used to get attention. A friend of mine does one spank to get the child's attention and then two spanks for the misbehavior and even then it is rare.

I believe strongly in the ending of priviliges like pp said!

izzourclue · November 2010

I just want to add that I don't believe that "discipline" is the same as "punishment." Discipline is an everyday/all day way of being in the household. I will try to conduct myself with discipline and enforce disciplined behavior on my child all the time. For example, you eat what is offered, you go to bed at a certain time, you watch what is approved on TV, you use "please" and "thank you" and have good manners, you pick up after yourself. That's discipline. Punishment is a punitive action taken against you when you knowingly violate the rules of behavior. Examples of punitive actions are taking away of privileges, time out, grounding, and whatever else a parent thinks are appropriate in their household.

hjk5000 · November 2010

I was "spanked" but it was really a last resort for my parents. The threat was there but they rarely ever followed through with any physical violence.

Time outs and taking away toys and privileges was the bread and butter punishment in my household growing up. Also giving out extra chores. We definitely plan on doing this rather than spanking. I'm not saying I would never spank my kids, because I haven't been there yet, but it won't be my go to punishment by any means.

My mother also had this pretty effective old school Catholic guilt trip going on. I think that was the most effective thing of all, lol. I'm sure I'll end up doing the same thing without meaning to.

hjk5000 · November 2010

izzourclue:
I just want to add that I don't believe that "discipline" is the same as "punishment." Discipline is an everyday/all day way of being in the household. I will try to conduct myself with discipline and enforce disciplined behavior on my child all the time. For example, you eat what is offered, you go to bed at a certain time, you watch what is approved on TV, you use "please" and "thank you" and have good manners, you pick up after yourself. That's discipline. Punishment is a punitive action taken against you when you knowingly violate the rules of behavior. Examples of punitive actions are taking away of privileges, time out, grounding, and whatever else a parent thinks are appropriate in their household.

I totally agree with this, great point!

honey740 · November 2010

lissydee:
I was spanked, as was DH. My parents spanked my brother and I differently...dad used the belt (hated it) and mom used her hand. DH only even got the hand. If we spank (its not off the table...though I'd like to avoid it and use other tactics first) we will never use an object, such as a belt or spoon to do so.
I think taking away toys and/or other "privileges" for a certain amount of time will be used. Also grounding, perhaps time outs and lectures/sit down discussions as to what was going on and why it was wrong to behave in such a way.
Though to be perfectly honest, we are not dead set on any specifics and plan on figuring it out as we go. We have to learn our child's personality first in order to determine what method of discipline will be best.

This is exactly how I feel. We got spankings, occasionally, and the belt was threatened but never used. Soap was threatened but used maybe once to make a point. For us, I don't think time outs would have worked, my kids might be different.

DaniGirl0517 · November 2010

hjk5000:
My mother also had this pretty effective old school Catholic guilt trip going on. I think that was the most effective thing of all, lol. I'm sure I'll end up doing the same thing without meaning to.

LMAO yeah there's always that! "Is that how Jesus wants you to behave Danielle?" Yeah that one worked too. I know that will be said here too.

I think the MOST effective thing my dad ever did to get us to stop arguing, whining, whatever was to say (and make us say with him), "What we need here is harmony and tranquility." It was said slow and drawn out and OH MY GOSH it was so annoying! We'd sit there and be annoyed with him rather than each other but we were quiet haha. I'll be using that too!

CAB'smommy · November 2010

This is interesting as we've all grown up differently. I only remember my mom hitting me once and I'll say I deserved it. I was probably 13 and mouthing off horribly. My dad was the one that spanked, but I only remember that twice. We usually got things taken away, such as getting to go to the school sporting event or other activities (we didn't have cable or video games).

You'll learn that different things work for different children. DS really values his "things". He loves his toys. So if he is bad, we did and still do take his toys away and put them on top of the entertainment center so he can see them an be reminded of why they are there. He has to go a designated amount of time being good before getting them back. If he's just really hyper and acting out, we sit him on our stairs so he can calm down.

With DD, a time out is all it takes. If she's bad and we sit her on the stairs, she bawls! She hates sitting along. Taking her toys away does not work because they child has imaginary friends. She doesn't need toys to play. )

So really you just have to test things out with your kids to figure out what works best. It's trial and error. We are more for taking privileges than physical punishment though.

I have to add though that the disapproving glare from my dad was always the winner. You didn't want to make him made. He doesn't forget easily.

freeatlast2014 · November 2010

hjk5000:
My mother also had this pretty effective old school Catholic guilt trip going on. I think that was the most effective thing of all, lol. I'm sure I'll end up doing the same thing without meaning to.

This is what worked for me. I was spanked once by my stepfather and NEVER hit again, I was never punished - and I wasn't the perfect kid - I just never wanted my mom to be disappointed in me and her disappointment was punishment enough. I hope I can do this w/my kids.

My H, on the other hand, was a bad kid (I hope our son takes after me!) so his parents tried everything...

I agree that I'll take it as it comes and see what works. I'm not a fan of inflicting pain in the physical sense but some times it just might be needed. I like the idea of restricting privileges though for sure.

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