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3rd Trimester
valeivegas
member
How to deal w/ relatives who smoke..?
valeivegas
member
I have several relatives who smoke, including my mom. I feel very strongly about someone who smokes holding my baby since their clothes, hands, mouth, etc will smell & the baby will be inhaling this if they hold him. I've tried talking w/ my mom that this is a good time to try to quit now & the baby is a great motivator for her - but she just ignores me. I'm afraid this is going to turn into an issue when my mom (especially) and other relatives who smoke want to hold the baby. Have any of you dealt w/ this, and how did you handle it? Everyone in our family is so excited since this is the first baby for both my family and Dh's; I don't want to hurt their feelings but I'm not sure how understanding they will be either. Any advice?
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Re: How to deal w/ relatives who smoke..?
Well....it's your baby and you set the rules. If you don't feel comfortable with them holding your baby while smelling like an ash tray, then you need to make that clear. If it were just because of the smell I would be more lenient, but 3rd hand smoke and young lungs together don't mix in my book.
Your #1 concern is your child...this will really come out once your baby is born. I would worry about your baby's welfare over being nice to your extended family.
I don't know about the relationship you have with your mom but the fact that she is ignoring your request needs to be addressed. Smokers are generally aware of their habit and know how it's bad to add a newborn into the mix. If they have a problem with your requests then that's on them.
This. No one else is going to stand up for your baby except you. Dont 'feel bad' about asking family members to put a shirt no over, change, or just not hold baby if they feel the need to smell overpoweringly of smoke.
You can't MAKE someone quit smoking. If they don't want to quit, they won't... And if you make a huge deal out of it, they'll just start lying to you.
Just lay down a few ground rules...
Ex.) If you smoke, then want to hold the baby, you must wash your hands, change your shirt, and pull your hair back. (etc)
But don't expect anyone in your family to quit because of you or your baby.
I agree 110%
MIL and FIL smoke like chimneys and they smell like it too. I have big issues with the smoking because of the many problems it can lead to. One thing I read recently is that second hand smoke can cause earaches in infants and children. DH had a lot of bad earaches as a child.
The way we are handling it is this:
Unless in an extreme emergency MIL and FIL will not be babysitting LO. All I see in my head is a cigarette in one hand and my baby in the other. I can't risk it. Plus their house is smoky and filthy.
When it comes to visiting their house, we will request they smoke outside when we are there. If not, we will go outside with the baby, and come in when clear. I am more worried about the second hand smoke than the third because I am not envisioning many visits to the ILs house because of the dusty/smokiness. Literally, I walk in their house and walk out smelling like a bar (at least before they banned smoking in them
), so I don't see her having to deal enough with the third hand smoke in their house often. And at this point, I haven't even seen them since August, so I don't expect them to start calling up a storm once LO is here anyway.
When they are at our house they are to smoke outside regardless.
And hands are to be washed after smoking or before holding baby (at least sanitized).
If they think this sounds harsh, I am sorry, but I will put the health of my child before cigarettes any day of the week.
Edited for Clarity
Oh, that is tough. I would think if they aren't smoking in front of your baby, then I would give a little. But I hadn't heard about smoke inhalation from clothing - so I'd have to read/learn more about that to make a solid decision. I don't know if it makes a difference if they put something smoke-free over their clothes while holding baby - like a robe or something. I know that's a weird idea, but I was just trying to think of an easy solution. And I don't know if that even does anything....
But having your family members to quit smoking is def the best option for you, baby, and them - as well all know, LOL!
Just do what you feel is best for you and your baby. Best wishes!!!
I agree with this. Especially with my IL. They act like the type that feel entitled to smoke where ever, and whenever they want regardless of their company, and they don't believe smoking is the cause of any of their health issues. If we even mentioned the word quit, we would probably never be spoken to again.
my mom smokes, and she plans to be here for 10 days or so after the baby is born (i won't talk about how that alone makes me want to rip my hair out sometimes).
when DS #1 was born, we asked her to change her shirt, wash her hands, and pull her hair back before she held him. i'm thinking it might be a little easier this time around because the weather will be cold; she can just wear different sweatshirts for when she's outside as opposed to when she's inside.
i never understood people smoking in their houses. both DH & i used to smoke and we never did it in the house. my mom is the complete opposite. she smoked when i was younger and did it in the house, and when we went to visit her a few years ago, she'd started it again. we actually got a hotel room that night because i refused to stay in the same house as her while she was smoking.
MamaPhan|boy (n): a noise with dirt on it
My opinion is this:
It is not my place to tell someone to quit smoking. They are all adults, they know what they should be doing, it's really their choice.
I am very concerned about secondhand (inhaled) and thirdhand (contact) smoke. To that end, I have asked my smoking family members and DH's smoking family members that they wash their hands thoroughly and put on a clean shirt when they hold my newborn after smoking.
My family probably thinks I'm being overprotective, but they had no problem agreeing to it. I'm his mother, what he comes into contact with is my decision.
My husband's family thinks I'm being a ridiculous b!tch and hasn't spoken to me since the subject came up. Which is fine - it's their choice - but they won't be rubbing carcinogens into my newborn. I've just prepared myself for the inevitable altercation. I will have an extra (clean) light coat in my hospital bag and will offer to let them use it if they want to hold him in the hospital. If not, their loss.
~EDD Nov 18, 2017 with my IUI success story~
[spoiler]
Thanks for all the tips. It's most difficult dealing w/ my mom since I know she will want to help out & be around a lot. Of course I know no one is going to quit smoking for me, but for her I think it would be a good motivation, but her addiction is too strong. I really do think she would lie to us about if she was smoking or not. I can just imagine her babysitting, smoking outside, coming in smelling like an ashtray & holding the baby - I cringe at this thought!
Thanks for posting the tips above - we are def. going to speak w/ our relatives about this & be firm - I just know it's going to cause problems though - but the health of our LO is most important.
They've even brought this issue up in our childbirth class - that 3rd hand smoke is something to seriously think about.
My mom also smokes. I have always let her know that if my son ever came home smelling like it then he wouldn't be spending as much time with her and she knows I'm serious. I've totally expressed how I feel about her smoking, even though it doesn't give her any motivation to stop. She used to smoke in her house (everywhere) but has confined it to just one room in her house where my son is not allowed.
DS nor any of his things have ever smelled like smoke in the 2+ years he's been alive!
As for the rest of my relatives, they are extremely respectful and only smoke outside (but I don't see them as often).
Bottom line is that this is your kid and you have the final say in what they do and do not get to be exposed to!!!
DH's dad and stepmom smoke, and reek of it wherever they go. We no longer go to their house for get-togethers. Luckily DH's dad and stepmom don't want to hold DS (I think his dad might have in the hospital, and that was it), so we don't have to really worry about close contact. If/when they come over and have coats, I put the coats in the laundry room so that they aren't anywhere near upholestry (sp?), bedding, etc.
I agree with PP's that third hand smoke is a concern. With a newborn's lungs being so fragile still, I would trust your instinct and not let a smoker hold your baby if you don't want them to. It's 2010 and time for them to realize that smoking is dangerous and does kill people (and not just smokers). Maybe that will incentivize them to quit.
I agree that you cannot make someone stop smoking.
DH smokes. He does not smoke in the house(never has), and he understands that he will need to wash his hands and change his shirt after each cigarette.He also doesn't smoke anywhere near me or will he be anywhere near the baby, of course. We're both hoping that smoking will become too much of a PITA and he will quit, but I'm not holding my breath.
Bottom line is you cannot MAKE someone quit smoking. They have to WANT to quit, or else it just won't happen. You can set some ground rules, but you cannot make or even ask them to quit, IMO. I don't really think it's that big of a deal unless they smoke in the house, or they're doing it around LO, or not washing their hands, etc after they smoke.
Just lay down a few ground rules...
Ex.) If you smoke, then want to hold the baby, you must wash your hands, change your shirt, and pull your hair back. (etc)
This was my action plan when 1st DD was born and will happen again. There are chemicals left behind on clothing and skin from 2nd hand smoke. Newborn lungs are just too tiny and new to be exposed to that!
My x was required to quit by the court system and had to shower and have a complete change of clothing before he could hold my DS when he was an infant during the time he was quiting. We had extenuating circumstances (DS had Asthma and I had a Dr's note saying that his father smoking could put his health at risk) but if the court will uphold this against the father? I would uphold at least a clean shirt and hands/face for everyone else. Think of how much time a little one spends with their face buried in your shirt/ hair as you snuggle them close.
A Frog, A Monkey and a Ladybug
We have 3 foster kids, and in my state, it's illegal to expose foster children to any kind of smoke (2nd or 3rd) and we were lectured about the risks and procedures for when smokers do come in contact with the kids (smoker must wear a smock while smoking, then shower immediately afterwards, before contacting the child). You might be able to use this kind of law to back up your beliefs.
As for me, I also have one biological infant, who only non-smokers can hold. My sister, brother and mother all smoke, so they were allowed to hold her once only after showering and never again since they're still smoking. I'm really very close to my family so this is difficult, but I would be haunted by the "what ifs" of allowing smokers to hold my baby.
OF COURSE, they were quite angry and annoyed by this rule, and they called me ridiculous, selfish, etc. But what is more ridiculous and selfish than smoking? (not to mention it's disgusting, a waste of money, pointless, etc)
I'm trying to think of a good analogy, to put things into perspective, but this is all I can come up with: if your mother chose not to get a vaccine for chickenpox (just because she doesn't like shots) and then got sick, would you let her hold your baby? Even if she was wearing a mask? On the chance that your baby got sick from her, your baby could be killed, or disabled.
If she choses not to quit, she choses not to hold your baby. Stand your ground. She probably won't give in, but your priority is protecting that helpless little baby, not your adult mother's unreasonable habit.
We were in the same situation. We decided to have my smoking family to wear another shirt when they will hold the baby. Washing hands is a must for everyone- not just smokers.
our baby comes any day now and we've already talked with family about it. now we'll see how it goes this week!! good luck!