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Adoption
Newbie: expectations?
I'm afraid what I'm about to ask might sound horrible, but I suppose that is why I am asking, I need to have realistic expectations about what DH and I are looking into to.
When going into the adoption process, were you specifically looking for a certain age or gender? I know there are so many children out there looking for homes, so when adopting is it horrible to prefer one of a certain age or gender?
DH and I currently have a son and are looking to (start the process) of adopting our next child in a year or so. DH is from Vietnam and wants to adopt from there, and we both want a daughter. Is it selfish/horrible/unrealistic to look for a younger girl to be a part of our family?
Like I said, I'm aware this may be a stupid question but I need to hear advice from you girls who know best!
Thank you so much
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Newbie: expectations?
In most adoptions - international included, you can usually specify gender and age range.
But, know that the more specific you are, the longer you may have to wait.
For example, if you say that you will only accept a referral of a 3 year old girl, well - there may not be any 3 yr old girls available. If there was a 2 yr old, you would not get the referral.
We are doing adoption through the foster care system in our state. We are willing to accept either a boy or a girl ages 0-5. We will also accept a sibling group of 2 (maybe 3 if the situation works for us). This may allow us to receive a referral quicker than someone who only wants, say, an infant girl.
i know that other than gender, age, or race, you will probably not be able to get more specific than that. Most countries will not allow you to choose things like eye color, hair color, etc
But, gender and age are pretty normal things to be specific about.
Good Luck in your journey
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You're not a horrible person for wanting a specific age, gender, or ethnic background. We each approach adoption in our own way, and some people are more or less specific than others.
Some people want to do foster-adopt, maybe because they feel they have something unique to offer a child in the foster system, or because the timeline fits their needs. Some want a child of a certain gender to balance out their family. Some people want a child only of their race/ethnic background, for a variety of reasons. Each family is uniquely set up to handle certain situations.
In talking about adoption for our family, we decided we wanted to adopt a Caucasian infant, or possibly twins (we've always wanted 2 children). That best fits our family at this point. A friend of mine is looking to foster-adopt, because that's the decision she and her family are comfortable with.
If you're looking for a Vietnamese girl of a certain age, that's your perogative. Like the pp mentioned, you may have to wait longer for that perfect blend of characteristics.
I would look in more detail about Vietnam as a place to adopt from. The last I heard, I thought they closed their adoption programs to the US.
Good luck to you.
Dr. L is so eloquent!
After initially planning on adopting Internationally, we've chosen to adopt domestically. In doing so, our approach has changed. Based on our criteria, we will most likely adopt a Caucasion infant.
Agreeing with Dr. L, it's each person's perogative and personal responsibility to know what it is they hope for through adoption (offering a child from a 3rd world country hope? giving a toddler who's in foster care a forever family? experiencing birth and infant care with a newborn?). Couples chose adoption for various reasons...and it's okay to chose it and want a child to resemble you.
The not so fun part comes from sharing the news with others. Regardless of your choice, be prepared for friends and family to critique and question your choices. When we thought we'd adopt internationally, a good friend said she thought we should "save" a child within the US. She's a very right sided Republican and that made the most sense in her mind. Now that we are planning to adopt an infant w/o special needs, I have received several comments trying to persuade us to adopt a child with special needs from foster care.
My point- regardless of your choice, it's your choice to make. All adoption choices touch a child. People may "tell" you what you should do and it's never easy hearing other's opinions. You just have to be prepared and resolve to know what is best for you.
Currently, Vietnam is closed to US adoption. There is no indication it will open soon, as it closed rather abruptly amid concerns regarding ethical behavior.
Also, know that girls are the preferred gender in adoption, and when agencies permit gender selection, the wait tends to be longer for girls.
silliestbunny makes a great point as well. When you do decide what you want for YOUR family, be prepared for all of the contrarians in the world to seeminly try to change your mind. But do what's best for you.
Good luck.
I am going to step in a agree with the PPs. We are still very new to the process and have already gotten some comments about our preferences. But we are doing what is right for our family.
And if that means that we would rather have one child over another that is our choice.
And I agree, of course that does not make you a bad person. And in our case, our social worker would not even present a child to us out of our "requirements".
Good Luck with your journey
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I am so proud of the other people who have posted- it's so nice to be with people who understand
It is YOUR family you are building, and you do have EVERY right to be as selective (or not) in your preferences as to how you do that. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise - they are wrong.
We had that happen to us more than once (someone actually told me it was OUR FAULT it took too long because we were too picky! - this from someone who didn't know how open we were, just the results).
Your child is going to find your family when the timing is right. I firmly believe we "thought" we were ready, but we weren't until we got the call about our son.
And we'll be more specific next time. We want our son to have a little sister. We know it may (or may not) take longer - it's all a matter of time for when your child finds you.
Good luck!