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North Dakota Babies
Let's talk about your DH as a Dad
Did any of you have concerns about how your DH would step up once the baby arrived? Has he exceeded by leaps and bounds or kind of disappointed? Is there anything you think you should have discussed before the baby was born that would have helped? Recently some friends and I got to talking about how a majority of men don't step up the way they should and the Mom has to do all the work. What has been your experience thus far?
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Re: Let's talk about your DH as a Dad
He's definitely not dad of the year, but I think Bri is probably pretty average. I'd say that the parenting duties are pretty much split about 75-25, so I definitely do most of the work. It is basically how I expected it to be though. I honestly think it is probably the norm for the moms to do more of the work.
ETA: I think that he will want to be more involved as she gets older and is more "playable" though.
DH is just as much of a RockStar as a dad as I am as a mom.
He wasn't as into my pregnancy as I wanted him to be... he was supportive, but just didn't have a high level of enthusiasm about every little detail. We had some tough moments (ie when I broke his remote control becasue the nursery wasn't painted by the magical date I wrote on my to do list.)
I always knew that DH would make a wonderful, fun, loving dad to a toddler, kid,ect. I wasn't sure how he was going to be with an infant with the diapers and burping, and breastfeeding. The minute Lil Miss was born, he kicked into high gear. DH has changed probbaly the same amount of diapers as I have, and he has no problem getting up in the middle of the night. Our Pedi said he was the 1st ever father to bring his infant alone to an appointment -- and he got high marks for a perfect diaper change. (I was in the hospital at the time.) He counts with her all the time, and lets her help him the garage and with his tools. They have an amazing bond.
Sure, he often forgets to use a bib, and it takes arm twisting to get him to read a parenting magazine. His outfit choices for her resemble abstract art. Sometimes he gets so caught up in playing with her, he forgets to get some other things done. We don't always see eye-to-eye on TV and discipline. Sometimes we drive each other absolutely crazy. But, all in all, he is an excellent father.
I have these concerns as well.
Right now I am working 2 jobs- my full time job & my photography business (which is basically like another full time job). I seriously have zero free time. I edit & create client CD's during my lunch breaks at work, I come home after my day job & try to workout, my evenings are usually spent trying to catch up on more editing, then whatever other "free" time I have is spent doing laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc! I still need to have a social life & see family in between all that! & most of my shoots are on the weekends, so I rarely have a day off.
DH gets home before me everyday. He actually fights with me about us sharing cooking duties! Are you serious dude?! He said to me the other day "you never do anything anymore"...UMMM, EXCUSE ME?! I almost flipped my lid. I said "It wouldn't F@%ing kill you to help out & do the cooking instead of sitting on your A@@ watching TV!" Don't get me wrong, he really does help me out a lot with other things-with my business & chores, etc. It just seems to be a continuing fight with the cooking though. but this gets me worried about what's to come when we have kids. we are going to TTC very soon & I do not plan on giving up either job just yet. It worries me that he is going to expect me to play super woman & honestly, I am exhausted & not even PG yet!
Ok, sorry that turned into a vent, but I too worry about this & was contemplating having a chat with my DH.
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I'm kind of in the same boat. Yesterday DH got off of work hours early (like at 2) and instead of going home and getting stuff done and for ONCE cooking dinner for me, he hung out with his friends until after 8. I came home at 530, cleaned and cooked dinner all before he got home. I'm worried this behavior will continue after we have kids and I'll have to murder him.
Timm is usually beyond fantastic. I knew he would be. He wanted a baby (babies) before I did. Yes, sometimes I have to ask him to change diapers. His outfits are horrendous. She never leaves the house with a full diaper bag when he packs it, but that's his problem not mine, since I pack it when we leave together. He freaks out when she pukes or spits up on him. But overall, he is stellar.
He gets up at 3am to go to work everyday and still comes home and cooks dinner every night. I don't usually cook, unless it is something that needs to bake or simmer for a long time. He does all the yard work while wearing Miss Kiki. He sits and plays with her in the evenings and feeds her dinner at night. He understands that I need some time to myself in the evenings. And usually takes her somewhere for alone time with her every weekend. I take a bath or get a pedi or read a book.
He's awesome.
I was more worried about me being a mum more. I am not a kid person. I love being a mum but still not really a big fan or holding/taking care of other peoples kids.
DH has been amazing. He was home with us for the first two months. He would get up every time with the two of us, and sometimes when she was fussy he would just take her and leave me sleep. When I had problems BFing her, he was there with an extra set of hands to get her to latch. All bum changes were done by him when I was EBF when he was around, and when I had to supplement me made the bottle, washed them and sterlized them. He comes home and I can hand her over except to BF but I always tell him he doesn't have to take her.
My house might be a mess, but he does try on his days off
DH is a great dad when it comes to taking Nia off my hands when I need a break, but helping out around the house is a challenge. Unless I ask, he pretty much won't take initiative to do things on his own. I'm not working right now and during the first 6 weeks of having Nia this was so HARD! I yelled a lot at him and we've come to an understanding since. I just have to repeatedly ask for things to get done.
Since I'm not working right now and have adjusted for the most part to little sleep I'm able to manage getting things done around the house and always cooking fresh food for us everyday.
I'm also in the midst of interviewing so that I can return to work. I've talked to DH about how things will have to adjust once I'm hired. The things he's been used to will change. He's already uncomfortable about this.
I've been reading the book Getting to 50/50 which I highly recommend.
Growing up I think I had a unique experience because my dad was extremely hands on. He cooks, cleans and does laundry and doesn't understand why any woman would need to ask her man to help out. He said it goes back to watching his mom as a single mom and wanting to help out as much as possible as he had two significantly younger twin sisters. My dad set the standard for me.
I expected DH to be great, and he is. He helps out a lot with Reese. He is home with her in the late afternoon/evening every night until I get home. 2 nights a week, I work until 7, & by the time I get home, she is already bathed, in pajamas, & just waiting for me to get home to nurse her. He will wear her in the ergo & get dinner going. He really tries to make it a priority for me to get some time to myself to go to the gym or visit friends, etc. With that being said, I have also really tried to make life easy on him. He is still in 2 basketball leagues, & he still finds time to go to hockey games, etc. with friends.
I will say that he did get a little used to me being on maternity leave. When I was off work, I made sure that I did ALL of the laundry, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping. Now that I am back to work, he was a little slow to resume his share of household duties. But, I talked to him & let him know what I needed, & he has stepped up to the plate. We have always had very good communication, & I think that is SO important, especially now with baby. Now is definitely the time to talk to your DH & be sure that you are both clear on your expectations of what life will be like when you have a baby.
Interesting question.
I'm lucky in that DH and I already share the housework load pretty evenly. He's a complete neat freak so he's great about cleaning, and he enjoys cooking. Score! He doesn't do laundry (ever), but that's my only complaint. During my one week of pretty bad m/s, he was superman and did everything (except the laundry, of course).
I do have a couple of concerns, though. He's TERRIBLE with blood and body fluids, so I'm secretly betting he passes out during the delivery. I'm also not sure how well he'll do with the whole dirty diaper thing. I'm glad we got a dog, because he's at least had some experience picking up dog poop and cleaned up one major mess she made in the house when she got sick. But, I still think he'll be gagging for a few weeks wiping that cute butt.
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I'm happy to say that DH is absolutely wonderful with Z. I guess you could say I do somewhat more of the work when it comes to baby care but that's only because I'm at home and he works, and when he's at home it's really 50/50. There's nothing he can't handle on his own when I'm out. Except clothes - lol. I have to set out an outfit or it's a fashion disaster. DH actually looks forward to it when I have dinner with the girls or take an afternoon to run errends on my own because they get to have "guy time". We pretty much share housework/cleaning duties as well. I don't always love how it turns out...lol but he doesn't complain about pitching in, at least not a lot
. In fact, he does most of the cooking.
Before we started TTC and during the PG, we talked a lot about parenting styles and how we would handle certain situations. I think that helped me get an idea of how he would be when Z arrived.
ETA: This. Sounds so horrible, it's not all bad. He really does love her, and he's great with her when he is not being lazy. He actually likes to get her dressed and has to make sure her outfit is cute enough before we go out. And he hasn't hardly complained about taking her to swim class at all!
My experience is a lot like Blayne's. DH was so excited when I got pg, but not really into the pregnancy as much as I had hoped. Then when DS was born he was AWESOME for the first few weeks while he was off work. Since he went back he's gotten worse and worse, though. He does work a lot so I kind of get it, but it makes me sad. He used to do bath time every night and that was his "Gavin time" since G goes to sleep soon after DH gets home. Lately he's been asking me to do it because he's too tired. He'll come home and watch TV for hours every night and basically ignore us. If I try to give G to him so I can have a break he just puts him in the bouncer or activity center and watches TV. It makes me so sad. But then on his days off he's awesome. He gets up with Gavin and lets me sleep in, and it's so sweet to watch them play together. We used to split the chores pretty evenly, but now I do almost everything. I SAH so I'm okay with doing more, but it would be nice if he helped. We actually recently got in a fight about this. I think it's about time to leave him home alone with G for a day so he can see how much work it is. Of course, he'd probably just move him from the bouncer to swing to activity center and ignore him most of the day, then say it's easy.
After the new year his work will slow down a lot, so he'll go from working 60-70 hours back to closer to 40. I'm *really* hoping that he steps up then. I'm trying really hard to just be patient with him right now.
I have had my doubts about Brett all along. Until we found out Mady was a girl, he really didn't have much interest in my pregnancy. I'd try to talk to him about things and he'd have one word answers, we could never really have a conversation about Mady or what the future will be like.
Once we found out she is a girl though, things have kind of changed. While he's not interested all of the time, he has been doing a lot better. (I had a bit of a meltdown a few weeks ago and I think he finally "got it".) We had two childbirth classes and he took great interest in them. (He now thinks "The Happiest Baby on the Block" is the greatest thing he's ever seen.) He will randomly pop out a fact about babies, or pregnancy or breast feeding....I'm not sure where he's getting his information, but, I make a really big deal about it when he shows an interest. He doesn't really sit around waiting to feel her kick or anything. It kind of frustrates me, but, I realize it's hard to just sit around with a hard on my belly waiting for something to happen. When that happens, he gets discouraged and says, "She hates me already."
I'm hoping once she arrives, he'll really be involved. He says he's excited to wear the Moby because he can "hold" her while still playing his video games. Ay yai yai! But, I guess he's at least including her in the equation, right?
Katy and Brett ~ Runaway Bay, Jamaica ~ October 4, 2008
I am extremely lucky in this aspect. DH puts me to shame! I mean, I am the go to person for what Kash likes and doesn't like; I "know" him much better and I definitely pay more attention to detail and the little things. And like all PPs have said, DH's clothing choices are questionable and often just downright embarrassing!
That being said, to use Renee's word, DH is a rockstar. Has been from the second we brought Kash home. Not so much in the hospital, but that is a whole other post! He is 100% hands-on and is right there with me on the imaginary score board in all categories.
I never doubted he would be this way because it is in his personality. I guess that is why I fell in love with him in the first place. He has always taken care of me and is one of those people that just "gets stuff done". He never complains, never stresses...I wish I could be more like him! Lol!
Okay, done with the husband rave!
Timm used to say this all the time. Drove me nuts even if he was joking.