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Hawaii Babies
Modern Mommy Madness?
WSJ opinion piece by feminist author Erica Jong:
Mother Madness
Spend every moment with your child? Make your own baby food and use cloth diapers? Erica Jong wonders how motherhood became such a prison for modern women.
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Re: Modern Mommy Madness?
I think this is a fantastic article! I wish I had read it in Henry's first few weeks when I was having crying jags nightly about the "crappy job I was doing." I think attachment parenting, CDing, BFing, and the like are all wonderful, and definitely worth doing if you choose to. But I cannot stand all the smugness from women (No worries...not anyone here, we're not like this on this board at all. I'm talking about women I know IRL) who act like there is only one right way, and anything else is inferior. Sure, they'll SAY that you have to do what's right for your family, but then they act like.... "Disposible diapers will never touch my child's bottom," or "My child has never tasted formula and never will," or "Daycare? The horrors!" which defies their words. It's as if it's a contest, and they've won somehow by never backing down.
Today's world puts soooooo much pressure on mothers to be "perfect" and do everything by the book, literally (Dr. Sears and others). It's great to read research and look to experts for guidance, but in the end, we all do what we can with what we're given, I think.
hmmm. I guess she has a point - but I always read things like this and get irritated because the underlying theme is always preaching that things have to be one way or the other. That does no service to families that are trying to do their best and is often just as bad as the book or parenting advice they are trying to discredit.
And now that I read her article I will take the liberty to offer my own opinion...
I guess I must be crazy but whenever I read a book or article I always
get the impression that you should pick and choose whatever works for
you family - babies don't come with a manual and you shouldn't expect
one book or method to have all the answers. You can buy a library full
of baby books but if you don't impart your own maternal instinct and
common sense into whatever practice you choose to embark on it will
probably be an automatic fail.
I do get that Dr. Sears book has some pretty extreme examples (ex: wear the baby in a pretty sling to an adults only wedding?) that I am not comfortable with but I didn't read that and then think because I did not do that does not mean that I failed attachment parenting. Instead I took many principles of the book and applied it in ways that fit in with my life. I went back to work full time and don't feel guilty that I'm not at home carrying Jack around in a sling. I don't judge women that stay home, or families that don't cart their kids around in baby carriers and use cloth diapers - just the same as I don't give myself a hard time for going back to work, I want Jack to grow up and respect that fact that he has 2 hard working, educated parents that want to give him the best. A byproduct of that will be the notion that women can be on completely equal professional footing as men. So in that respect I could be considered a feminist ideal, BUT the author just lost me by throwing stones at the fact that I fell into some trap and opted to breastfeed, cloth diaper, co-sleep when convenient, use baby carriers, and don't use jarred baby food. I do all that and don't feel repressed in the least, if anything it is empowering. And I'm sorry if other women look at people like me and think I have fallen into some sort of trap or by doing all of that in my home, on my own time is contributing to repression of women. Now THAT is what should be considered madness.
I think it becomes too easy to say attachment parenting is HARD, or demanding in some way or will create a monster child.
To me and my family I find it is makes things easier - but I don't think what works for us works for everyone. Some things seem like a no-brainer but I still know that it doesn't work for everyone. Breastfeeding was hugely important to me and it "worked" for me/us. Not everyone can say the same. The time we don't have to spend washing bottles or getting up in the middle of the night to make and warm a bottle is more time that we can spend together as a couple or family. Bringing Jack into our bed from his crib ensures that we can get more sleep and sleep in (he sleeps however long we do with no fussing if we let him sleep with us if he wakes up during the night). He eats whatever we eat which means that we have already incorporated "family dinner time" - a part of the day we all look forward to. Legal jargon will be part of this poor kid's normal vocabulary by the time he's 3 (perhaps we should make work talk off limits during dinner time, haha). In all seriousness, we can work in age appropriate current events discussion into this time period (in direct response to the article's notion that families that live under the oppressive roof of child-led rearing will loose touch with the outside world - huh?).
I thought the article made for good discussion.
I agree. I think many modern conveniences like disposable diapers and jarred foods are very practical now that moms are working outside of the home, either by necessity or choice. But I don't think that choosing otherwise is necessarily disempowering -- I'm glad I have options!
For me, I do feel pressured to parent in some of the ways that she critiques, as if I'm harming my child by doing otherwise. However, I didn't find her piece very reassuring. Although she says that women should just do their best and that there aren't any rules, I felt like her harsh critique of modern mommyhood ran counter to that. It could have been taken as judgmental if you happen to parent in any of the ways that she's criticizing. At the end of the day, it still felt like one mom passing judgment on other moms.
Interesting article. Thanks for sharing.
I don't agree with everything she says, but I think the overall theme of guilt and motherhood is important. It does sometimes feel that moms can be SO competitive and that personal convictions get turned into dogma. This is coming from someone who isn't even a mom yet but can already feel the pressure.
I agree with a lot of what lelekay mentioned. I'm planning on trying cloth diapering and making my own food, but if they don't work for me I'm certainly not going to feel like a failure. And I hope that I would NEVER make another woman feel inadequate for choosing a different way. I will work hard to never be a know-it-all, smug mom about any of my choices.
I agree with the author that we all need to just do the best we can. And encourage other mothers who are doing the best that they can.
{planning bio} {married bio} {baby blog}
Hmmmm...I guess I can see how one might think this was very negative about certain parenting practices, but I guess I didn't originally interpret it that way. I interpreted it as the writer doesn't think these practices themselves are bad, it's just that so many women are bullied into feeling like you MUST do them to be considered a good mother. I plan to make my own baby food when the time comes, co-sleep part-time, and I CD part-time, and I love that I do.....these things were my choice. But I also give my baby formula, put him in his crib for the first part of the night, and went back to work full-time. And I know at least one person in my life (a family member) whom I would never admit these things to (except the work part...she knows that and has expressed her displeasure). I would never, ever tell her I give Henry formula, at the risk of receiving endless lectures and articles about what a poor choice I made (as if I felt it even was my choice...it was Henry's. I tried, I truly did!).
There's so much literature out there intended to be helpful, but many times it does the opposite of its intent. For example, when I received the Dr. Sears book, I immediately read the parts about returning to work, since I was about to do just that a few weeks from then. I expected to read about how I could make the transition smoother, and ways to maximize the time with my baby when we are home together. And my stomach soured as I read how working should be "your absolute last resort as a parent," then told of all the negatives about it, without highlighting any of the positives. Which, I suppose, would go against their point, so I should have expected it. But I CHOSE to go back to work, and it works for us, and (for me, anyway, maybe not for others) I think I'm going to be a better parent because of it, and I actually believe that in the long run, daycare will be good for Henry in many ways. But this section turned me off so much, I haven't read any more of the book, which I'm certain has lots of good information for us, but I just don't have time for negativity and guilt these days, so I'm skipping it.
As I reread the article, I can see how she is a bit down on CDing, attachment parting, and the like sometimes, which definitely isn't good, either. I just wish writers of baby books/articles could somehow find the balance of educating new parents without the negativity and the guilt trip. There are so little resources out there that accomplish this, sadly.
(By the way....I do love that we, on this board, can discuss our thoughts and feeling about things like this without getting all flame-y, like on other boards!)
I think to read it in the context of where she's coming from, she's just writing more of a responsive article to the popular trend of "green parenting", so her wording and such is a bit strong and I can see how it's stand-offish. But at the same time she does bring up a pt of how women shouldn't feel pressured to be supermoms but I think that could have been achieved without necessarily "talking down" on those who do CDing/attachment parenting/etc.
I think a lot of us on this board accept that parenting is different for every individual and family. I don't "adhere" to one philosophy/style...I just do what is natural for MH and me, what I feel is best for LO and what LO responds well to. It's a mix of listening to yourself, your family, and your LO. I think everyone does that well here. We're not strict on sticking/adhering to a method because life is not about living by a set of rules or a set of practices defined by a certain parenting style. Whatever floats your boat
So I feel like this article has a few take-away points that could be applicable but she also voiced certain opinions a bit too strongly for my taste. But I think that's what she was aiming for
After all, it's an opinion piece, so I think I expected an article that would lean strongly one way or another...
i haven't had a chance to read the article yet but I totally agree w/this.... i really hate when other moms say one thing but then act "holier than thou" when you do something that is different from what they do.
it is not a contest and what works for one family may not work for another. being a new mom is hard enough as is, we don't need the pressures of books/other moms/society telling us what is right/wrong when it comes to parenting....
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
Totally agree with all of this.
I can see how it could easily be interpreted as AP bashing or the like, but this is how I read it originally as well.
The pressure to be nothing short of a perfect mother is intense and insanely competitive. As a mother who formula feeds, you would not BELIEVE the guilt and pressure I felt when I started - and still feel to this day. I'm kinda sorta given a pass because I have twins, but even now people will ask me if I BF and when I say no, they'll start lecturing me about how much better it is than formula, etc. Crazytown.
This is going to be a bit long, sorry?
I?ve been thinking about this some more, and I think the real problem arises when people take an extreme, sanctimonious position on an issue. I know there are people like this on both sides of the fence, but my examples are going to be of AP parents simply because they tend to be a bit more vocal ( I hope no one will be offended as I?m not anti-AP?just annoyed by some people who judge others for not being as extreme as they are, and unfortunately those people are often the most vocal in the group and tend to give everyone else a bad name). Like when a hardcore baby wearer declares that anyone who doesn?t do the same is condemning their child to a life of emotional instability if they ever let their baby?s feet touch the ground. Or when someone says that they will never let their child cry for any reason, ever.
More on that second example: when I was on 1st Tri (which I once saw it described as ?sleep deprived, hormonal women giving advice to other sleep deprived, hormonal women? and I tend to agree with that), there was a CIO debate. One of the participants very seriously declared that she never had and never would let her child cry for a single second about anything (not CIO ? just the simple act of being unhappy and crying) and declared that she judged anyone who did anything else. Her baby was all of 3 weeks old and perhaps she was a naturally happy child, but I sincerely hoped that poor mom didn?t have a breakdown when her baby inevitably had a crying jag. The insane pressure she was putting herself under ? without even meaning to, and while genuinely believing it was a good thing to do ? was incredible.
Now I?m going to get on my soapbox as a mother of multiples for a minute, because for us a lot of this stuff comes with an extra dash of guilt. Babywearing, for example, is *possible* with twins or triplets ? some MoMs do manage it ? but for most of us it simply isn?t practical. So when we?re told that our kids will be emotionally disconnected without being constantly worn, we feel even more guilt ridden for not being physically capable of fulfilling those needs. The same goes for BFing, CDing, not being able to instantly attend to a cry, etc.
I said earlier that I tend to get a pass for a lot of stuff because I have twins, and although that?s true it also kind of annoys me; if someone says ?X is best for babies and anything else means you?re a bad mother,? then having twins doesn?t magically change that. If X really IS the only good option, then my kids aren?t magically exempt and therefore it?s a foregone conclusion that they?ll be effed up ? after all, that?s the only logical continuation of such an inflexible belief. If there really is only one right way to parent, then for MoMs there?s often no option aside from predestined failure. I think this is something that people who are very rigid in their beliefs don?t consider.
OK, getting off my soapbox now. [:-P] I know I?m preaching to the choir here?but it?s something that annoys me and I?ve wanted to say (to someone, anyone) for a while.
(Oh, and I?m not pointing the finger at anyone here - everyone here is lovely and understanding that what works for one family may not work for another ? just at people who judge others for not having the exact same parenting approach as they do.)
i read this article the other day. and i thought it was interesting. i thought it had a lot of great points and i read it the way the lisa and lelekay read it. and i thought, that's great for people who can do all that stuff. but each person is different and so how you raise your kids will naturally depend on each invididual situation.
i just shrug my shoulders. i already put so much pressure on myself, i don't need any added pressure from anyone else. hahaha i know that doesn't make sense. i'm so freaking tired. hahaha
hawaii 10.2008 plan ;P married bio ???