DH going to a strip club...

musicteacher84 · November 2010

Okay I'm sure I'm going to get flamed for posting this...so warning in advance.

Normally I wouldn't care if DH went to a strip club...but lately I have been so frickin' hormonal & feeling crummy about my body, etc. DH is going to visit some college friends in NE next weekend. He had me check his email for him the other day & I opened up a message talking about how his buddies are so excited to go to the 'all nude' strip clubs, etc... seriously?? I'm so pissed...I know I shouldn't be. I feel like if I was my "normal" self (not pg) I wouldn't care at all, but not I'm just so sensitive/hormonal about everything!

I'm tempted to just tell him I don't want him going...but know that he will anyways. Any thoughts?

BalancingJane · November 2010

Aw, sorry! I am also one of those women who don't really care if my DH goes to a strip club with some friends (though I don't think I'd like him going on his own), but I think it would bug me right now when I'm feeling hormonal, huge, and VERY unsexy.

It's obvious he's not trying to hide it from you since he had you check his email. If I were in your shoes, I'd mention (as calmly and casually as possible) how I felt and see what he says. He might surprise you.

AshasaurusRex · November 2010

Pregnant or not I still wouldn't want DH going to a strip club, so I'm with you on this one. He should understand that with your self esteem already low, knowing he's looking at other women only makes you feel worse. I'm sorry:(.

LLH2010 · November 2010

Why exactly shouldn't you be pissed? Or feel guilty for not wanting him to go? IMO I wouldn't want some naked skank rubbing all over my husband for free, and I'd be super pissed if he had to pay her our money too LOL I just think they're for single guys or couples if they're into that, not married men with pregnant wives at home. And if I get flamed for this, oh well!

MrsJones714 · November 2010

I would never be ok with DH going to a strip club without me, especially an all nude club while I'm pregnant.

No way.

No chance.

No how.

Personally, I feel the bigger question is why he feels it's acceptable to go to those types of places now that he has a wife and a baby on the way? Seems incredibly insensitive and immature to me. But, to each her own...

xoashleigh4ox · November 2010

my husband knows that i don't really like strip clubs.. his one friend always invites him and he doesn't go.. there is no need for him to be there.. but if he was going away with his college friends i don't think i would be as mad.. as it was a special occasion.. but i know how you feel being pregnant.. and i would probably be upset too.. just tell him how you are feeling..

kesrya · November 2010

I think your recognition that you normally wouldn't care, but this is a hormonal thing and self-image problem says it all. The mature thing to do, in my opinion, would be to let things be the way they normally would, and take on the poor self-image as your own inner battle right now. You know he loves you, you know this is your issue right now - not his. If you would normally object, that would be one thing. But I think demanding that he not go b/c of pregnancy is not going to solve the real issue, and will create an unecessary tension. Talk to him about it honestly. Say "you know, normally I wouldn't care, but this is how I'm feeling right now," so that he knows and can make his own decision - but let him make that decision, and don't get angry if he chooses to go.

The best relationships are ones in which we each face into our own issues honestly, and we don't dump that on the other person. Self esteem issues aren't something the other person can fix for us ... we have to fix them for ourselves b/c they aren't really within the realm of rational thought and action.

LMSmith114 · November 2010

LLH2010:
Why exactly shouldn't you be pissed? Or feel guilty for not wanting him to go? IMO I wouldn't want some naked skank rubbing all over my husband for free, and I'd be super pissed if he had to pay her our money too LOL I just think they're for single guys or couples if they're into that, not married men with pregnant wives at home. And if I get flamed for this, oh well!

totally agree with this.

OctGirl80 · November 2010

DH has no real interest in strip clubs but knows I wouldn't care if he went "with the boys" on occasions. I even went with him once or twice, including an "all nude". I wasn't impressed. In the least.

If your DH knows you don't normally care, maybe he didn't mention going because he was trying to be sensitive to your feelings? Mine has not told me things, thinking he was sparing me aggravation/stress/whatever. He has since learned it's better to just tell me things. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. He may be going just because the rest of them want to (5 against 1 kinda thing). I wouldn't tell him "he can't go". That conversation never seems to end well.

Add: It might help to have something to do that night so you won't sit and think about him being there. Get together with friends, go shopping, see a new movie, whatever. Just something to keep your mind occupied.

Quesera · November 2010

kesrya:
I think your recognition that you normally wouldn't care, but this is a hormonal thing and self-image problem says it all. The mature thing to do, in my opinion, would be to let things be the way they normally would, and take on the poor self-image as your own inner battle right now. You know he loves you, you know this is your issue right now - not his. If you would normally object, that would be one thing. But I think demanding that he not go b/c of pregnancy is not going to solve the real issue, and will create an unecessary tension. Talk to him about it honestly. Say "you know, normally I wouldn't care, but this is how I'm feeling right now," so that he knows and can make his own decision - but let him make that decision, and don't get angry if he chooses to go.
The best relationships are ones in which we each face into our own issues honestly, and we don't dump that on the other person. Self esteem issues aren't something the other person can fix for us ... we have to fix them for ourselves b/c they aren't really within the realm of rational thought and action.

This. Since you normally aren't insecure about these things there's no point in bringing it up, it's your issue to deal with. There are beautiful women everywhere, probably ones he finds more attractive than strippers and you being particularly sensitive right now has no bearing on that.

Stensgard · November 2010

I don't think it would hurt to just explain how your feeling. It's better than harboring unspoken resentment.

Hyfagal · November 2010

It's not something that would normally bother you and you know it's hormones so I don't think it's fair to be mad at him over it.

If it's a huge deal that you can't get over then say something before hanging it over his head for months but otherwise try to swallow that lump in your throat and go with it.

I don't see anything wrong with strip clubs either but I can see how at this point it might make me a little jealous since we haven't had sex in months and I'm not exactly feeling hot.

PunkyBooster · November 2010

I don't blame you. And I don't care about strip clubs, but DH only goes for bachelor parties. If he was just going to go with friends, I'd probably tell him, at this moment, that it makes me feel insecure right now and see what he says. I wouldn't ask him not to go, but I'd let him know my feelings on the subject- just try not to come across as irrational and whiny (which is hard to do this late in the game, at least for me!) Wink

pixieprincss · November 2010

Strip clubs and the like simply don't fit in with how DH and I live our lives, but really I think the issue is communication. Sexually-based treats, vices, hobbies, activities, etc. aren't some magical, untouchable breed of thing. If something hurts your feelings, causes you concern, upsets you, etc. you should talk to your spouse about it. It doesn't matter if it is strip clubs, drinking beer, playing video games, too much time at work, etc. Sharing feelings, open dialogue, finding a point of compromise (or flat out sacrifice sometimes), etc. are necessary parts of a healthy marriage. Setting a rule for a spouse as if he were a child is never a good idea but deciding on boundaries together as equals who respect the others' feelings most certainly is. You are the most important person in the world to him and he is yours--talk to him about what you are feeling and figure it out together!

stephanieroyer · November 2010

If my husband was going to a strip club to watch naked skanks prance around and possibly spend OUR money on the hoes.. id have a problem. I dont like them and DH doesnt go. Gross!

Slosey · November 2010

I have always been ok with DH going to strip clubs without me. He doesn't go a lot or anything. And, I completely understand how you feel. A couple months ago he went with a bunch of his friends for a "guys night out" and it was last minute...hey let's all go. He called to ask if it was ok and I told him yes that it was fine. But, I'm not gonna lie it was weird. I was feeling so pregnant and ugly. But, I didn't tell DH not to go because it really isn't fair to him that we both had a set of rules (not really rules...but, stuff that we were both ok with in the relationship) pre-baby and that just because I am pregnant that has to change? So, I sucked it up and let him go. The next day I expressed how I felt and he totally understood my feelings and said that he wouldn't go anymore while I was pregnant or as long as it would take me to get back to feeling secure enough for him to go.

NewFamily09 · November 2010

Wow, I give you props. I would be angry about that, pregnant or not. DH knows better to even try to go to a strip club. He's maybe been to one in his whole life for a bachelor party, so I don't think he cares a whole lot. But anyway, that's just an understood expectation in our marriage that we only have eyes for each other. I know it doesn't come naturally for a guy, but he has really good friends who are like us. Anyway, I would definitely tell him that it bothers you. You really think he'd go even if you told him you don't want to? That sounds like a whole other issue altogether.

angelicalopez29 · November 2010

I would kill my husband for going to a strip club, what can he posibly have there that he does not have at home?

Ivee4 · November 2010

LMSmith114:
LLH2010:
Why exactly shouldn't you be pissed? Or feel guilty for not wanting him to go? IMO I wouldn't want some naked skank rubbing all over my husband for free, and I'd be super pissed if he had to pay her our money too LOL I just think they're for single guys or couples if they're into that, not married men with pregnant wives at home. And if I get flamed for this, oh well!
totally agree with this.

Ditto. MH has always said from the moment he knew he wanted to marry me he had too much respect for me to go to strip clubs. The fact that I will soon be the mother of his child only hammers this home. No way would I ever be ok with this and neither would MH. His strip club days are over and he decided that a while ago. Not me.

memelou10 · November 2010

I would kick my DH's ass up & down the street if he ever went to a strip club.. But that's just me I guess. I don't think he would appreciate some guy rubbing his wang in my face.

LadyB01 · November 2010

I'd just be upset that I wasn't invited! H and I went all the time with our buddies, we even got a couples lap dance!

I don't have a problem whatsoever if he goes, but I understand what you mean about not wanting him to go now, at this point in pregnancy.

I would be super honest and say something like " hey, I just want you to know my feelings right now about you going to the strip club. I'm at a bit of a low in my self esteem and with you going to oogle at hot, naked 20 something's just doesn't make me feel so great about myself and I would appreciate it if you would maybe reconsider going" and then give him a strip tease of your own!

GL

06162006bride · November 2010

Very disrespectful of him since your carrying his child right now. If it were any other time i probably wouldn't care either but this is not an appropriate time in my opinion.

erind0213 · November 2010

Last time DH went to a strip club I got highly upset. (This was over a year ago)

Not because he was at a Strip but because apparently Strip Clubs in our area don't allow cell phones with cameras to be brought in, so therefore you have no way of getting in touch with whomever you know is going in.

This bothers me in case of emergencey.

BabyyMamma · November 2010

I think strip clubs are GROSS. My husband does not need to be looking at any woman naked but ME. You get married for a reason that person should be your one and only. Flame me if you want I dont really care but its Pathetic if a man feels the need to go see naked women.

Soap1 · November 2010

I'm weird and I totally don't give a crap if DH goes to a strip club. I mean, if he were there once a week it would bother me, but once in a blue moon is no big.

We once hired a stripper to come to our house for just the two of us... and nine months later DS was born

I think you should just talk to him about your feelings without saying "You aren't allowed to go." I mean, I'm of the school that just because someone is your husband doesn't mean you get to dictate what they're allowed to do. But being your husband means he should be willing to listen to you and consider your feelings before making decisions.

Just my two cents!

chelsea_ems_fire · November 2010

pixieprincss:
Strip clubs and the like simply don't fit in with how DH and I live our lives, but really I think the issue is communication. Sexually-based treats, vices, hobbies, activities, etc. aren't some magical, untouchable breed of thing. If something hurts your feelings, causes you concern, upsets you, etc. you should talk to your spouse about it. It doesn't matter if it is strip clubs, drinking beer, playing video games, too much time at work, etc. Sharing feelings, open dialogue, finding a point of compromise (or flat out sacrifice sometimes), etc. are necessary parts of a healthy marriage. Setting a rule for a spouse as if he were a child is never a good idea but deciding on boundaries together as equals who respect the others' feelings most certainly is. You are the most important person in the world to him and he is yours--talk to him about what you are feeling and figure it out together!

*sneaking over from 2nd tri*

Exactly. When DH and I were still dating, I made it VERY clear that I had a major problem with porn, strip clubs, and just looking at other women like that in general. My ex had a SERIOUS addiction to that, which eventually came to ending our marriage. DH and I have an understanding with what we expect from each other in our relationship. And that is only getting satisfaction from each other.

Long story short....he would be dead meat.

lovemytannerman · November 2010

kesrya:

I think your recognition that you normally wouldn't care, but this is a hormonal thing and self-image problem says it all. The mature thing to do, in my opinion, would be to let things be the way they normally would, and take on the poor self-image as your own inner battle right now. You know he loves you, you know this is your issue right now - not his. If you would normally object, that would be one thing. But I think demanding that he not go b/c of pregnancy is not going to solve the real issue, and will create an unecessary tension. Talk to him about it honestly. Say "you know, normally I wouldn't care, but this is how I'm feeling right now," so that he knows and can make his own decision - but let him make that decision, and don't get angry if he chooses to go.

The best relationships are ones in which we each face into our own issues honestly, and we don't dump that on the other person. Self esteem issues aren't something the other person can fix for us ... we have to fix them for ourselves b/c they aren't really within the realm of rational thought and action.

I agree with this. I suppose I might be a bit upset if he wanted to go to one now. I'm not feeling the greatest about myself right now. He thinks I look beautiful and tells me I'm worrying about nothing.

We have been together since '97 and I don't even think I can count on one hand how many times he's been to a strip club. I am not the type to stop him from going to a bachelor party becuase there may or may not be strippers there. He went to a bachelor party in May and said the place was so nasty him and his buddies were joking about how they should have brought sanitizer. I might be bothered if he was constantly frequenting strip clubs, but he's not so it's not really an issue for me.

I hope you can work things out with your hubby.

ashgirlxo · November 2010

memelou10:
I would kick my DH's ass up & down the street if he ever went to a strip club.. But that's just me I guess. I don't think he would appreciate some guy rubbing his wang in my face.

exactly!!

jlewis121186 · November 2010

i actually go with my husband, but since i have gotten so big, it makes the dancers uncomfortable- although they all know me by now and call me "momma" lol we're regulars- they just dont want to get too close to me cuz the big belly is awkward, but they still pay attention to my husband...

i have told him so many times that he can go without me or with his friends, but he tells me that going with his friend is "like watching porn with another dude...totally weird" lol...and i told him, fine, go alone, and he says no its weird, lol...

i think if you have an issue, talk to him and see what he says, marriage is about communicating, lol...

LOL, and i tried going with some lady friends/clients to a male strip joint, and i was SO turned off by the amount of penis in that building, lol...the dancer dudes kept coming over to me and all i could think was "dear lord get that THING outta my face" lol

RumbleLina · November 2010

Totally understandable why you would not be okay with it now even if you would be prePG. I don't know about you but I don't feel very sexy now and it would hurt me if my DH went to a strip club because my hormonal mind would think he is not attracted to me right now. Obviously, I would realize this is irrational thinking but it wouldn't change the feelings. What if you just express how you are feeling to your DH, he may understand.

Good thing for me that DH doesn't like strip clubs because I am not a fan of them either way. He went to one when he turned 18 and never went back. The guys have tried to get him to go but he declines. He says there is nothing at home that he can't see there.

musicteacher84 · November 2010

Thanks for the input ladies. DH & I talked last night & I explained why I felt so crummy about him going...and he said he understood where I was coming from. However I do know that if the "whole group" goes - he probably won't opt out...but at least he knows where I'm coming from now. Like I said - I really wouldn't have a problem with it normally, but being 6+ mths pg and feeling a little crummy about my body doesn't help. Ugh, pg hormones! Thanks again for the input

My DH is a wonderful man, we have a wonderful relationship, and he would do anything for me. So now that he knows how I feel, I am very optimistic that they won't end up there...!

turbostang7 · November 2010

If it something that you haven't had a problem with in the past he probably doesn't see it as a problem. If it is a big deal to you right noiw just tell him how you feel. I'm sure he would understand. I don't have a problem with DH going to strip clubs... We don't really have any around here so he never goes but a few weeks back he and his friends went and I didn't care, but that bar was not all nude either it was a bikini bar since it is illegal in our state for the women to get naked.... although when we go to Vegas we probably will go to strip club together.... I'm glad you were able to talk to him!

JCragg · November 2010

I wouldn?t be pissed if:

a) He asked, I don?t care but I think he should have to ask if it?s okay. Finding out in one of his emails is not appropriate.

b) I wasn?t pregnant

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