I AM SO VERY ANGRY TODAY

Kandie35 · November 2010

at everyone and everything. I stayed home from work after all. I have no business taking anymore hostages today. I feel mean and hateful and even though it makes me feel terrible, I have been lashing out at James all morning. I feel alone, even though I am probably isolating myself. I am a mess. I do not know how to cry or else I would...maybe it would make me feel better. How do I get over this seething anger burning through my veins??

carladillon · November 2010

Honey, you are going through the grieving process - anger is part of that. Give yourself time - I so wish you could fast-forward through it all, but you can't. You have to give yourself permission to mourn the loss - not allowing it will not make it go away, it will only prolong it.

I know it's not the same thing, but when I lost my mom (very unexpectedly), I was angry and partook of some self-destructive behavior just to avoid feeling the grief. I was seeing a counselor at the time and she told me I needed to take some time to cry...I didn't want to. I remember asking her - "what - am I supposed to schedule this or something?". She said no - when you start to feel that wave coming at you, go with it - don't fight it.

It's going to take some time, honey - be kind to yourself. I'm glad you took the day off...take a shower and just curl up and let it all out - when you are ready. We are all here for you (as much as we can be via a message board).

busybea · November 2010

{{HUGS}} Let it all out Kandie ... and when you're ready, we're here for you.

Married2003 · November 2010

Kandie - I just read your other post. I just want to say I'm sorry for your lost. T&P!

dkays · November 2010

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hate that you feel so alone. Right Hug

Kandie35 · November 2010

I have so much guilt wrapped up in this whole thing!!! When I first learned that I was pregnant, I was shocked and didn't want it to be true. I talked to the baby in my belly and told him or her that it wasn't the right time because we are just getting our finances back in order and asked it to leave so i wouldn't have to terminate it, because i did love it but it was the absolute wrong timing. I even made and went to an appointment to terminate the pregnancy..when I got there and they drew my blood to type it, I freaked out and left. From that moment on, I knew I wanted this baby. Then I started spotting the first time and i thought it was over, but then got false hope from idiot doctors. Now I can't stop thinking about how I told the baby to leave and forgot to tell him or her that I changed my mind! I know it sounds stupid, but it is weighing heavily on my soul right now. I keep telling the baby how sorry I am and that I didn't know in the very beginning how much I did want him or her. It's too late now and the guilt is eating me up and is probably what is making me so angry.

carladillon · November 2010

That's good, Kandie - get it out.

Even though you talked to Lovie when you first found out you were pg, don't you think that your "thoughts" were also understood by him/her? The thoughts that said you changed your mind? When you have a bond like that, I don't think you actually have to speak words to communicate. You did not make this happen. It wasn't your initial reaction that made this happen. Just from what I know about you via this board, you have so much love in your heart - I can only imagine how loving you are IRL. I think we have all probably wavered on our feelings when we first found out we were pg - you did not "wish" this pregnancy away. Please forgive yourself.

fauxshelley · November 2010

Kandie, I am so very sorry. I hope that you know in your heart that this is in no way your doing. This was completely out of your control. Please forgive yourself - you did NOTHING wrong. I hope that you allow yourself to cry and I pray that you feel peace about it in time.

rsd12 · November 2010

It is okay to be angry! You did not do anything to cause this. Only time will help heal your wounds & this is part of that process. Take time for yourself, your husband & family will understand. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

BrideBuddies · November 2010

Oh, Kandie.... all I can say is, Hang in there. You'll likely go through a whole slew of emotions in the coming days. Don't suppress them.. just try to ride the wave. Hug your kids. Hug James. Give yourself some time alone, if that's possible.

What's that line about things that make you stronger? This is one of those things.

lynnshey · November 2010

I am so sorry to hear that - but think you are totally justified. The world is not right or fair right now. You have every right to be angry today. Do you have shooting range nearby? Or have any dishes that need to be broken? You may laugh (and I hope you do), but both of those have worked for me to take some of the edge off when my anger has taken control.

Kandie35 · November 2010

i was just called by the head of OBGYN at the hospital to check on me. she wants me to be seen by her group in lieu of the group i was seeing. she is also tracking the "cyst" to ensure that it is not another ectopic. I feel good about her b/c she was very empathetic, cared enough to follow up and give alternate care suggestions, has a solid plan of how she is going to handle this situation. it does make the fear of possible bad outcomes much easier to deal with.

Daisiesinmygarden · November 2010

Ditto PPs about grief. I also think that if Lovie could understand what you told him/her, you need to allow yourself to believe that he/she understood how you felt later and how much he/she was wanted. Personally, I would think Lovie would understand the latter feelings of love more so than the earlier words. That being said, I get it. I really think I would feel the same and would beat myself up the same way you are just because it is my nature. It doesn't make it right or helpful, but I am pretty sure I would do it.

Don't/didn't you take a kickboxing class before you moved. I think now would be an exellent time to kick the crap out of a bag, just sayin'. That is if it's OK medically - of not please wait until it's safe. I know working myself out to exhaustion really helps me get past - or at least get out - my anger.

Staying home was probably a good call. Let yourself grieve and let it be just what it is. There is no "right" way.

Vent all you need to here.

lynnshey · November 2010

carladillon:

That's good, Kandie - get it out.

Even though you talked to Lovie when you first found out you were pg, don't you think that your "thoughts" were also understood by him/her? The thoughts that said you changed your mind? When you have a bond like that, I don't think you actually have to speak words to communicate. You did not make this happen. It wasn't your initial reaction that made this happen. Just from what I know about you via this board, you have so much love in your heart - I can only imagine how loving you are IRL. I think we have all probably wavered on our feelings when we first found out we were pg - you did not "wish" this pregnancy away. Please forgive yourself.

I could not have said it any better. You did nothing wrong and you didn't cause this. I'm sure Lovie knew your real thoughts and knew that you wanted him/her. As a parent, you know that sometimes we say things we really don't mean. Lovie knew you really wanted him/her to stay.

stever · November 2010

I don't know Kandie, but I'm so sorry. Try taking some time to yourself so you can grieve alone, then open yourself up to grieve with James.

This sucks so much!

::Hugs::

pahokie · November 2010

Throw something? Go for a walk or drive alone to someplace that you can scream and yell for a bit? Break something? Letting the anger out will probably help.

You did not wish Lovie away!! You did not do anything wrong! I know it is so very hard not to blame yourself, but please do not beat yourself up over this.

I do hope you follow up with the OBGYN from the hospital, since she sounds both clueful and caring.

Hang in there, Kandie. {{HUGS}}

pahokie · November 2010

Duplicate post that the Bump won't let me delete.

M.Amy · November 2010

Kandie, I am so sorry. Please continue to express your feelings. Getting all of the negative stuff out will only help you.

Peppernut · November 2010

That's so great that the doctor called to check up and have you switch over! Feeling like someone cares maybe makes a difference.

I'd say reconnect with your darkest black metal side, wear your stompiest boots and be angry until it's time to not be angry anymore. We love you, Kandie!

Pesky · November 2010

Carla is right. Nothing you did, said, felt or anything made this m/c happen. The course that decided the m/c was based on factors beyond your control, not your reaction to the positive pg test. Realize there is nothing you could have or couldn't have done to stop this. It's not your fault. I'm sorry you are having to go through this but just realize it is something that was beyond your control from the start. Left Hug

KristelRobin · November 2010

Kandie, there's not much more I can add, I can only sign on to the others' comments that you did not cause this in anyway, and you are not at fault. We love you. Right Hug

mtnrider · November 2010

carladillon:

That's good, Kandie - get it out.

Even though you talked to Lovie when you first found out you were pg, don't you think that your "thoughts" were also understood by him/her? The thoughts that said you changed your mind? When you have a bond like that, I don't think you actually have to speak words to communicate. You did not make this happen.

Exactly what Carla said. Plus, you are not alone, you have a husband and 3 wonderful children to help you through the grieving process...and work, when you're ready to go back, is a great distraction...hugs!

busybea · November 2010

Go outside and scream out loud at the top of your lungs! Kick the tires on your car! Throw something very hard and far. Punch the pillows on your couch. Just get it out and know that there in no one that would EVER believe that you could EVER wish this. Kandie - you are such a sweet and lovable person and I hate that this is eating you up inside. Please don't let it. You did nothing wrong. It just wasn't Lovey's time. {{HUGS}}

vanverth · November 2010

As pp have said, this was not your fault. You did not do this. Rage, grieve, moan, weep, heal.

dianah36 · November 2010

I'm so sorry.

NewMrs07 · November 2010

Like pp said, anger is part of the grieving process. Eventually you will accept it, let go and feel calmer (easy for me to say, huh?). You just have to give yourself time to heal because losing a baby in utero is hard. Sending lots of hugs your way Left Hug