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January 2011 Moms
Problem with ILs (long vent/WWYD?)
DH and I have a huge problem with his parent's out-of-control dog. She's a Giant Schnauzer and weighs about 80 pounds. She loves to be cuddled which is really sweet but other than that that dog is absolutely out of control to the point where she has to be walked when and where no one is around because she charges at everyone barking like mad and people - rightfully - filing official complaints on a regular basis (to no avail).
Whenever visitors come over to MIL and FIL she goes berserk out of sheer excitement and body-slams everybody for about half and hour (remember - she weighs 80 pounds). She runs up at full speed, charges up and body-slams everybody dozens of times. She's eye to eye with a grown person, paws on chest. There is no stopping her. DH can wrestle her down and contain her, but whenever anybody gets up it starts all over again, because she hopes to engage people into entertainment.
Now I now this is none of the dogs fault. It's a miserable example of people that should not be owners of a wonderful and loving animal. There is nothing we can do to change the dog's situation (DH is not around often enough to be able to influence the dog's lack of training). My ILs refuse to acknowledge there is a problem at all and get very abusive to anyone that dares to insinuate otherwise.
The problem: obviously, I can't be in the same room while pregnant. Also, there is no way I will ever let my child be in the same house with their dog. Putting her in another room is no solution, since she slams into the door (for hours if necessary) and they will most likely let her in no matter what. MIL babysat for other people promising to lock the dog away from children. Then she showed me pictures of the baby with the dog she took when the mother was gone. She had to let the dog to the baby, " because the dog was acting insane" (her words).
On our first visit with my being pregnant, they reluctantly took the dog to people that sit her regularly (whenever they go out for any length of time - about once a week and for holidays or over weekends). So taking the dog to a sitter is really common anyway - when they feel it's convenient for them that is.
Well, the next time MIL announced to DH we should pay for that since we want the dog gone because of me. It's a puny 10 dollars a day - which they can well afford. We have no problem paying for that but realized it's just the beginning of their refusal to keep the dog away from me - or the child later on. And so it was. They refuse to meet outside the house (restaurant, etc. even if we offer to invite them). So the only way for my husband to spend time with them is to put up with their rules or not see them.
So they just don't care if we lose our unborn child, they are willing to risk our child's health/life in the future and MIL can not ever be alone with her grandchild because she would without hesitation or remorse blatantly lie to us about anything she pleases (taking the child to her boat without a vest, being around the dog and who knows what else).
They are extremely rude people other than that, but MIL loves to call me personally on the phone to "chat" (she just talks monologues and thinks it's great to have "conversations" with me since I'm too polite to tell her to shut up - she won't let me put in a single word edgewise). When we see them, she likes to group-hug DH and me. I cannot stand her for a single second. Everything about her is insulting and annoying.
I feel I have to be civil the one time or so a month we see them for the sake of DH. Of course he loves his parents besides their faults. It nearly kills me since I usually don't put up with crap from people at all. However, once I would speak my mind to them, it would end up in a huge fight and I would never be able to forget and forgive (why would I - there is no redeeming quality other than that they love DH).
I feel miserable because I don't want to hurt DH. But for the safety of our child there is no way things can go on like they have been. I see hardly a way he can ever even take our baby to see his parents. He will end up wanting to take baby supervised and leave immediately if there is a problem. I, however, don't want to be put into the situation of having to leave under attack of the dog or fear of an attack because they may let him in any time. I am upset for days even thinking of this hypothetically. This is bound to cause friction between DH and myself. Am I overreacting because I don't even want to risk the having-to-leave-immediately scenario?
Sorry for the long vent - I just don't know if I can think straight anymore when it comes to anything concerning my ILs. DH is so absolutely excited about our little baby and I don't want to cause him so much stress before LO is even here and the situation of visiting with baby arises. Thanks for bearing with me!
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Re: Problem with ILs (long vent/WWYD?)
This, and it sounds like DH needs a back bone. I have a history with a MIL that may be the incarnation of the devil, but I won't ever "keep my mouth shut" in regards to the safety of my child. It sounds like your H needs to sit down and have a long chat with them- they are his parents. It may be their house and their rules, but y'all are the parents and have every right to keep your child from their house and their exclusive presence if they will lie to you and not respect your wishes.
Are you and YH on the same page when it comes to the dog and your baby? If not, you will want to make sure he understands why you feel the way you feel about the situation and make sure that HE is the one who brings it up to his parents. If you do it, you just look like the b*tchy pregnant lady.
Also, I don't see why they can't come to your house (WITHOUT the dog) sometimes or even meet you up for dinner. Or what if someone offered to pay for obedience classes? I'm not saying it's your job to do that but if they won't and the dog is a nuisance and could possibly be a danger, then something clearly needs to be done.
GL and hope it all works out!
Even if it's hard to do, you need have a real heart-to-heart conversation with your husband. Print out your post if you need to so he can read what you're feeling. Eventually, he'll need to stand up to his parents. Their behavior letting the dog run wild is irresponsible, and you don't have to tolerate it. They'll continue to get away with it unless someone says no. Don't feel guilty for protecting your child. They can make whatever rules they want to at their house, but you get to make the ground rules about your child (such as not going over there). 'No' is very powerful.
You should never hold back your thoughts when it comes to the safety of your child. The baby can't speak for itself, so you need to do it for him/her. Have your DH tell his parents that you will not be bringing your LO over unless they can control the dog, and if not, then tough. And if you ever let them babysit, make them do it at your house - if you're sure they wouldn't take your LO home to their house or something crazy like that.
Your DH needs to realize that yes, he loves his parents, but you and the baby need to be his top priority, regardless. Good luck!
I so agree. They love to engage his help and expertise but other than that they see themselves in the role of elders that set the rules. I feel he really needs to establish his position as an adult once and for all. This is really driving me insane. I never told anyone about IL problems IRL, and knowing that I usually come across as someone that puts up with very little, I am reluctant to force the issue since a lot of damage can be done and I am way too involved to be even remotely objective at this point. So it's such a relief to hear people agree.
ILs coming over is a good solution. They don't like coming over (it's just too inconvenient for them, just like meeting at a restaurant), but I surely couldn't be construed to be the problematic person when I invite them and they don't come as opposed to refusing to go to them.
Ha, you sound like me about a year ago. Exactly. I had to have one of broccolitree's "Come to Jesus" talks with my DH about then, and have had several follow up conversations with him since. He has since seen the light for the most part and things are better on our end- MIL is still BSC and FIL is still just a bit odd, but it makes it easier for us to deal with if we have a united front that DH leads. My IL's make up the same "inconvenience" argument about visiting us (apparently we, who can't ever afford it or have the time, can drive the 9 hours one way, but they can't) and have never visited us.
This isn't an IL problem, this is an H problem.
You need to lay down the law. Of course your H is excited and stressed... like you're not? If it 'hurts' him to tell him, 'hey H, I'm worried about the safety of our infant,' that's far better than having your baby hurt by that dog, and frankly that hurt for your H is a long time coming. He's letting his parents walk all over the both of you because it's easier and less stress for him than upsetting you, and that is absolutely backwards.
In terms of what to do about the dog, set boundaries with his parents. You and baby both don't want to be around the dog. Tell them that. Tell them you will leave if they let him out or neglect to take him elsewhere. Then, DO IT. Words mean nothing without actions.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds like a crappy situation all around.
TOTALLY saw this one coming (mostly because she gave this exact advice to me!!)
Seriously though, all of this. I took this exact advice and its been much better ever since!
high five!
I'm really not a d*ck just for the sake of being a d*ck, heh. I mean, that's certainly a perk, but.
Nah, your just saying what needs to be said
And sometimes when you're in the situation, the simpler things like sitting down and having a heart to heart, don't always occur to you....
You ladies are great! Thanks so much for your advice!
I had a feeling I had been pondering way too long before taking action. That's a sucky tendency I have: I always count on politeness (when will I ever learn not to even take this approach with rude people) until sooner or later I explode and tell people what I think in one withering, all-encompassing strike. Always hard to recover from that without permanent damage on both sides.
It's so much better to create a united front with DH and having a relaxed heart to heart conversation with him about his role in this constellation while I still find it in myself to be respectful. And hopefully have him do the same with his family afterwards.
*wmramsel*: I've been following your IL dramas and kept thinking how much I can relate and most certainly was delighted to read how you were able to deal with them! Yay for you and YH!!
ETA: Oh, and I had to edit my original post:
dog's weight is above 80 pounds - much more impressive than the 40 lbs originally posted (my mind is just set in the European metric system - kept thinking in terms of kilos)
All of that, and especially that! Thanks so much broccolitree.