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North Carolina Babies
Vent
DH and I got in a really big fight last night about what to do for Christmas this year. Ever since we've been engaged, we've spent Christmas Eve with my family, opened presents with them on Christmas morning and then driven to his aunt/uncle's house and spent the afternoon/evening with his mom and their family. His aunt/uncle live about 4.5 hours away from my parents.
This year he wants to leave my parent's house at 8am Christmas morning so that we can be at his aunt/uncle's by 12, which is when his cousins and their kids are there. We usually don't get there until about 4-5, and sometimes his cousins aren't still there by then.
My side: Christmas morning with my family is my absolute favorite day of the year. We open presents and then eat hamburgers and milkshakes- I love that tradition. I think it's fair the way we have it- we spend a couple of days with my family, then go to his aunt/uncle's for a few hours and then spend a few days with his mom. We see/spend time with both sets of parents on Christmas Day. I could really care less about seeing his aunt/uncle/cousins (his cousins live in Raleigh, btw, so it's not like we couldn't see them any time we wanted), the only reason we go there is b/c that's where his mom celebrates Christmas.
His side: It makes his mom really happy to have all of her family together, and he thinks (though she's never said anything) that it makes her sad when we get there after his cousins have left. He thinks he's compromising more than me b/c I'm still getting my traditional Christmas (minus the leaving at noon), but he is only spending half the day at his aunt/uncle's instead of all day (and I do mean ALL day- 10am til 9pm....doing pretty much nothing but sitting in the living room watching tv).
Ok. I really don't expect anyone to read all that, lol. I just needed to vent. He brought it up at 11:30 last night (?!?!?-we were literally in bed with the lights off falling asleep) and we ended up not getting to sleep until 1:30. Ugh. It's still not resolved, although neither of us are angry anymore. We may end up driving seperate cars down to my parents so that he can leave early Christmas morning and I can just meet him and his mom back in Raleigh late that night....but that SUCKS, b/c I don't want to spend Christmas without my husband either.
Sigh. Vent over.
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Re: Vent
That SUCKS. I don't even know what to tell you, but my gut instinct leans with you. It's what y'all have done for a couple of years now, almost making it your traditions as well.
IMO, your family DOES things on Christmas. Sitting around a television is not "Christmas" to me. DH always wants to do Christmas with his mom (who has NEVER celebrated Christmas but now wants a "claim" on us before Harpie gets here), but I told him that until she gets a tree, does a Christmas meal, and gives us actual presents (not just handing over a Visa card), then we're doing Christmas with my family. That's selfish & I know it, but it's the way it is. I told him that his mom can have any other holidays she wants -- Easter, 4th of July, New Year's, Memorial Day, etc.
Yuck, holiday planning sucks!
To make this year more fun we were going to tell my Mom about the baby at Thanksgiving because she lives seven hours away and I don't want to tell her on the phone, but we were going to be there the Saturday before through Monday and not be there for actual Turkey Day because I'm saving my leave for the baby and I'll only get Thursday off. I know she'll understand and be happy when we tell her and explain, but having her cry about how awful it is that I won't be there for Thanksgiving sucks!
Okay, I know that didn't help you any, but I can sympathise...
Ugh, the holiday debate. I think most married couples have this issue, if not every year then at least in the early years of their marriage. DH and I got so tired of arguing about it that we finally started staying home for the holidays and creating our own traditions. We always leave the door open for anyone in either family to join us, but we got to a point where we refused to be involved in this kind of tug-of-war anymore.?
I don't have much in terms of advice, but it does sound as if you had a pretty good compromise going for a few years. ?Is the situation you described (eve/morning with your family, drive, afternoon/evening with his family) something you planned to continue once Maddie entered the picture??
Catching up on sports news...
I'm really going to stir the family pot... while I don't think it matters as an infant (to much because they won't remember) my child will always wake up in their bed on Christmas morning. I'm not going to drive seven hours and hear tears the entire way because Santa may not be able to find them. I want to see that innocence and joy last, and it can be that way in my living room with or without Grandparents.
surfnsand -- ?this is a similar sentiment expressed by a lot of my friends with toddlers or young children who still believe in Santa.?
Catching up on sports news...
We have the same Christmas issue. DH grew up spending the entire day at his Nanny's with the entire family. But alot of it is just sitting around watchign TV. And now that the family has moved around, most of them don't stay all day like that anymore, so it's become just us. We can go over to their house anyday and watch TV, ya know? So our compromise is alot like yours. We do part of the day there, when most of the family will be there, and then do something else. And I've said the same thing about Eli. I refuse to drag him all over the state on Christmas day to see everyone. We'll do the best we can to see as many people as possible over the Christmas holiday, but as far as Christmas day, he's waking up in his own bed and getting a few hours to play with his new toys before he has to go anywhere. And then it's still only for a couple of hours, and then we're coming back home.
I like the way you're doing it now, but if DH thinks it's unfair, then maybe you should come up with something that suits his family better. But, I would NOT split up on Christmas day. That's just wrong to me. And what difference would it make anyway? If your MIL wants everyone there and you plan on leaving early, then everyone's not there right?
Sorry, I'm playing the devil's advocate here. I know it's hard to let go of certain family traditions (esp Christmas), but marriage is about compromise. I definitely see where your DH is coming from esp if he's gone along with doing the same thing every year since you've been married. I think he is awesome to have gone along with that so far. What a DH you've got!
My DH and I trade every year with that certain thing. If we did C-mas eve with his family one year, we'll do it with my family the next year and so on. I have to admit the first year of marriage where we celebrated C-mas, a few fights arose over that too. I felt much like you probably feel now, but he stood his ground. We decided to reach the compromise and there's been (mostly) peace about holidays in the starz household although the little decisions do pop up here and there. It's so hard to make everyone happy. GL to you and your DH with your decision!
Ugh...the holidays, while they used to be a wonderful time of year for me, are something I dread, ever since I met DH and we started sharing them. DH is great about things... DH's family is great about things... It's MY MOTHER who is completely unreasonable. You'd think that this year, of all years, I'd have a complete out. Hell, I could be in L&D on Christmas eve. But I've still heard nothing by guilt ridden whining from her about "how sad it will be without me". Hello! I'm bearing you a grandchild. Can you let me off the effin' hook for once?
Not to mention, unlike Jenhum's Christmas traditions, my extended family Christmas is pretty miserable. It's my parents, my aunt/uncle, and my brother (and now our spouses) sitting at my grandma's house, where she has the heat cranked up to 90, with Lawrence Welk on TV, my crotchety step-grandfather coughing into a napkin, and all of us sitting there staring at each other. MERRY CHRISTMAS! My immediate family one is ok, but not something we couldn't do at my house, or my brother's house, or somewhere more convenient for all of us... My mother just demands that it be at HER house in front of HER tree, and if she had it her way, I'm sure, it would be with just my brother and I (she loves DH and SIL, but still would rather have us "all to herself"), complete with me in my Strawberry Shortcake footie PJ's and my brother in his Spider-Man Underoos. (someone has a hard time letting go of the past). While every mom would look back at stuff like this nostalgically, my mother has serious issues with change. It's made things extremely difficult already and we haven't even been married a year and a half. I can't imagine next year when there's a 1 year old in the picture.
DH's family one is actually great--he has younger cousins that make things fun, we play silly gift roulette games, they have booze there, etc. But they're the ones who are all like "oh, we understand you won't always be able to be here for this, etc, etc.. you do what you need to do--we'll see you soon". My mom needs to take a hint from them, but I'm not holding my breath.
All I can do to not flip my lid about the whole scenario right now is to think about how I don't have to really think about it this year. thinking further ahead than that makes my blood pressure go up. We've said that once the little one is here, like Surf said, that we want her waking up in her own bed for Christmas. The mere mention of this, for hypothetical children before I was even pg mind you, sent my wacko mother into a complete tailspin about how "well, WE always spent Christmas with OUR parents..we had to drive a lot of miles, but we made it work..blah blah blah". That's great mother dearest, but that was your choice. I'm not into doing things just for the sake of feeling obligated to.
Ok, I've officially offered NO advice, Jenhum. hehe. I guess I am highjacking your post for my own venting session.
Phew... I feel better. sort of.
This is the last year we will go anywhere for X-mas. Next year Ben will be too old and will "get it" too much, like Surf said. I'm all for preserving family traditions, however, we as a family should be allowed to establish our own.
We've already told everyone that, and right now everyone seems okay with it. The big test will be next year. X-mas has always been in TX with my SIL's family. That's fine because she had kids and it made sense. Her kids are now to the age that X-mas isn't fun anymore. They get money or video games. It's just not as magical. So next year will be interesting to see if they come here to see Ben, or if they stay there.
My family doesn't even come into the equation. They aren't real big on family togetherness.
Let me also add that the last two times we went to TX for x-mas it's been a disaster. First - we all had to be treated for lice because DH's niece had it. Lovely. Last year everyone got a horrible stomach virus, including Ben.
So we're not taking our lives in our hands any more after this year.
Yeah, I've already said that when Maddie is old enough to understand Christmas, we'll be waking up in our own house Christmas morning. I'm sure that will only add more drama. I *hope* that by that time we'll be living close to my parents so we'll be seeing them a lot more often.
I just don't understand why he thinks it's so important for his mom to have everyone together (although I guess he doesn't think me and Maddie not being there is a big deal, b/c he suggested driving seperately) all at once. She'll still get to see everyone that day regardless. DH doesn't particularly care about seeing his cousins, so it is it that important that MIL gets to see them interacting? WTH? His logic just isn't making any sense to me. And I know I'm probably being really selfish. And he's probably being a bit selfish too.
And the thing that makes it even harder is that we both have fun at my parent's house- and neither of us enjoy ourselves at all at his aunt/uncle's house. He totally admits to that. He just feels like we should be there out of obligation. Sucks
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My Sweet Girls
We started the "every other year with your family" tradition when we were dating, so that helped. Then last year we did the "screw both sides of the family" and went on a trip by ourselves. ;-) It was heavenly! It also broke the trend so that when Baby Girl comes, we can spend the holiday at our own house.
I feel your pain though. Sorry you're going through it. Now that y'all are past the anger stage, you can have a rational discussion and make the best decision for the three of you!
Katie, Duke Gardens, 6months
Zach, Duke Gardens, 6months
Photo courtesy from the amazing Ever You Photography!
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Everyone is right - holidays just aren't as fun when you're married and you're trying to make everyone happy.
I know you've said in the past that your DH's Mom is having some mental and physical health issues. Do you think your DH is feeling guilty/responsible for his Mom on Christmas this year because of her declining health? He may be feeling like everyone will be looking down on him if he's not there to help care for her on Christmas.
I just thought I would throw that out there. Again, sorry you're having to deal with this, but I promise you're not alone. I know that doesn't help much.
Good luck with your decision!
Here's a thought..take it or leave it.
But what about compromising and leaving at 10 on Christmas morning. That way you still get to his side of the family a little earlier, but not having to leave your side of the family so early on Christmas day. Maybe you could even call his cousins and ask if they could come a little later in the day so that they would still be there when you got there. Tell them you would like for Maddie to be able to see everyone on christmas. Also, maybe even ask your parents if you could do the hamburgers/milkshake tradition on christmas eve? I know it wouldn't be the same as on christmas day, but at least you could still do it and make your hubby happy at the same time?
Good luck making a decision!