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School-Aged Children
need advice: sibling issues and 3yo behavior
I am posting here because I need some advice from those of you who might have a better perspective on this situation.
We are having issues with my almost 3yo DD. She is having major issues and it is a combo of a newborn in the house and turning 3, those things I am sure of.
But I don't know how to make this better. Here are the main issues:
- whining: i think this is just 3yo behavior and we deal with this by telling her we can't understand her and ask her to talk to us politely. This usually works, but is annoying nonetheless.
- clinging to DH: DD very frequently rejects me and only wants her Daddy. She constantly wants him to pick her up, do things with him and not me. This often, but more so when DH is holding or dealing with DD2. When she is alone with me, she is fine and has fun.
- meltdowns: when DD doesn't get her way, and also often at transitions, she completely melts down. She looks honestly distressed and often cries for Daddy. Typically we ask her to go to her room to calm down. We give her choices (to which she typically says NO to both choices), we try to soothe her.
We have been spending one-on-one time with her individually and together every night. When DD2 goes to bed, DD1 often goes back to her old self.
I'm just looking for some tips - especially from people who have a 3 year difference in ages - and how long these behaviors typically last. TIA!
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Re: need advice: sibling issues and 3yo behavior
Sooooo typical 3 y/o behavior. I have to say, 3 is my least favorite age. DD is almost 3.5 and has always been my easier child to deal with and I still don't like her behavior much most days. for the whining, I think you're dealing with it the right way. Unfortunately, you just have to learn to tune out the annoying stuff b/c it won't get better for awhile (it will just change and some other behavior will be annoying, but age appropriate nonetheless).
the clinginess to DH is probably due to the baby. it helped us a lot to show the older DC that they can share mommy or daddy. we always made room to hold both on our laps, read them both a book, etc. but sometimes when it's not possible we explain that the other needs our attention and that we'll be with them in x amount of time. I also really like the book Siblings without Rivalry. It's helped us a lot to be able to help the other child verbalize their feelings, such as "does it make you sad when I hold the baby?" Everyone wants to think that their kids love each other 100% of the time, but it is natural to feel sad, upset, angry when the other is getting attention. Recognizing that and helping your DC talk about it and deal with it in a healthy way helps soooo much.
As for transitions, start giving a 5 min warning. Also, at this age, choices help a lot. So, when we need to move onto something else I give my kids a 5 min warning and say "mom gives treats to kids who don't fuss when we [insert whatever activity it is you're stopping]." Or, "if you fuss, we can't do ABC." It works really well at letting them know what is coming and my expectations for how they should handle it. they have a choice to transition to the next activity w/o a meltdown or lose privileges. Love and Logic is great for teaching young kids about choices and natural consequences.
She sounds like a pretty typical 3yr old and I think you are doing a good job of addressing the situation. The only suggestions I could add would be to give a five-minute warning for transitions and to not soothe her when she is having a melt down. I could be misunderstanding what exactly you mean by "soothe", but consoling her when she's upset that she's not getting her way will probably only encourage the behavior. It's getting her the individualized attention she wants. I know she seems honestly distressed, but that is also pretty typical behavior. DS1 cries pitifully over pretty much everything and his feeling truly are sincerely hurt. They just don't know how to deal with their emotions yet. We've been teaching him to take several deep breaths to calm himself down "so we can talk about it" and it's working - I've even seen him do it on his own a few times without me telling him.
MOO -- Congrats on new baby Zoe! She's beautiful!
My kids were 4 years apart, but we dealt with some of the same issues. A 3 y/o tends to go a whiny stage without adding a new baby to the mix. But I would imagine a 3 y/o would really kick it into overdrive as an attempt to get attention focused on her and away from the new little interloper.
We also dealt with increased "playing favorites" between Mommy and Daddy around this age. She did it at 3, and it started to calm down, but she began to interact with us this way again when DS came along. My DD would even announce it ahead of time by saying, "I'm feeling close to Daddy today. I don't want you today Mommy" or vice versa. We just kind of handled it by saying, "well, both Mommies and Daddies can take care of little girls and everyone has to pitch in now, so Mommy will have to help you do ________ or you'll have to manage on your own. Daddy can't help you right now."
As far as the long term adjustment goes and your final question about how long these behaviors last... well, to an extent the sibling rivalry never really goes away. You can expect that Olivia will deal with it in a more subtle, sophisticated way over time, especially if you respond in a matter-of-fact way that doesn't give her reason to ramp up her whining, etc. For my DD, it kind of went like this:
--shock: for the first few days she kind of didn't "get it" that things were different.
--noticeably acting out: for several weeks, she was more touchy, whiny, disobedient, frustrated than normal.
--ignoring it: for a while, she just decided to ignore her brother. She just tolerated him. When he started talking, she did enjoy translating for us (she could understand him better than we could!) She kind of adopted this "tolerant but with eye-rolling" stance through his toddler years. We didn't push it at this stage. We allowed her to be ambivalent about him, and it paid off later, I think.
--grudgingly hanging out with him: when he was around 3 and she was 7, she did tolerate him a little more. He could keep up with her better and had more to offer as a playmate.
--becoming buddies: it wasn't until he was 4 that they had enough in common to really become good playmates. For the past 2 years, they have been close enough in age to really become friends and play together.
I think you are doing all the right things. The addition of a new person -- even an 8 pound person who can't do more than eat, sleep, cry, and poop -- changes the dynamic in the family. Don't expect things to get back to "normal." In a way, your family's old "normal" is gone, and soon you'll all adjust to a new and improved "normal" with two wonderful kiddos!