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School-Aged Children
How would you handle this situation?
I have my daughter who is 8yrs old and in 3rd grade. So far, this school year has been a nightmare! My daughter is a sweet girl, very easy going...but, she went from A-B Honor Roll to a 58 in Math? On top of that, yesterday, I received a phone call at work from her teacher telling me she and her little friend were writing notes and my daughter wrote in it f*** you, a**, s***! WHAT!?!? I was mortified! And to top it off, me nor my husband talk this way, SERIOUSLY!!!! So I have no idea where this girl is picking it from? She says from the TV...WE DON'T EVEN HAVE CABLE, just your main local channels. When I got home yesterday, all I can do was talk to her....I was soo hurt I started crying while talking to her. I don't believe in "disciplining" (spanking) but maybe that's what I need to do? Any advice?
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Re: How would you handle this situation?
This is a toughy. The best thing to do is talk with her and get to the bottom of it as calm as you can be (this is not easy!) When DD was in 5th grade, I found a notebook that her and a friend were writing in and it had all sorts of completly inappropriate things that a 5th grader shouldnt even know about. I wanted to whoop her booty but I was also really worried for her so DH and I talked a long talk and we when were ready to confront her, we did. She still lied to us at first when we talked to her but eventually things started to spill out from her since she wasnt afraid to talk to us since we didnt freak out and start screeming at her.
Be very stern while talking to her and let her know that you mean business but also listen to what she has to say. Maybe take something that she likes away for a while. Kids learn alot from other kids. ALOT! Maybe tell her that when little girls talk dirty like that, it makes them look very ugly and she is not an ugly girl, so please dont talk like that. Thats what I tell DD#1 when she is doing something out of her character that is not making herself look good at all.
I don't think you want to punish her. I certainly don't think it's appropriate to spank an 8 year old for this! She'll just grow more secretive and learn to cover her tracks better, if she thinks you'll punish her for stuff like this.
First, I would not necessarily assume that the 58 in Math and the note with dirty words are a sign that she's "turning into a troubled kid." They could be totally unrelated. Maybe the class just started working on fractions or some more difficult math subject, and she's a little shaky on the concept. Also, kids like to experiment with "bad" words. These are thrilling, powerful, forbidden words, and kids know it. Experimenting with these words doesn't make her "bad", it makes her normal!
I would drop an email to the teacher and ask for a phone or in-person conference about the math score.
As for the nasty words on the note, I think you have to think about what you want as the outcome of this situation. If I were in your shoes, here's what I'd be thinking:
--my first priority would be to find out how my kid was using these words. Is she telling another kid "F*** you" in writing? Calling another kid an "A**"? Or are she and a friend just making a list of all the bad words they know? There's a big difference between those two scenarios. I don't think its at all abnormal for 3rd graders to goof around with bad words, but to actually use these words in a hurtful way in a note to another kid would send up red flags.
--second, I would not worry too much about "where she heard" these words. In all seriousness, she most likely heard them from other 3rd graders! It only takes one 3rd grader with an older sibling in middle or high school who to introduce a whole crop of elementary school kids to these tantalizing naughty words!
--next, I would talk to my child about how it makes others feel when we use these "bad" words. What does she think of other kids who say these words? What would her teacher think about her saying these things? I would try to help her understand that if she wants to come across as a nice, good kid (which she most likely does) that using nasty words will not help. That's why her teacher called home about it -- because her teacher thinks she is a nice/good kid and was surprised that she used these words.
--finally, I would also keep my ears pricked in this conversation for any indication that she's working hard to fit into a "cool" or "edgy" group of kids. If you get the sense that she's trying to do this to impress other kids, or to try to get kids to like her, it's a good time to talk about picking your friends carefully. Does she really WANT to be friends with kids who think this stuff is cool? This would be my biggest concern.
Ultimately, I would try hard to let her know that she can always talk to me about these types of issues and questions -- she doesn't have to hide stuff like this, that she can talk about it with Mom and Dad.
I teach 3rd. It's a big transitition year and one where I start seeing lots of "issues". It goes from being mostly teacher directed to independent.
As for her writing those words, I wouldn't spank her. Spanking teaches nothing except to fear you. I would take something away from her until she earns it back.
Also, I'd make her say sorry to the teacher (have her write a note).