Almost One Year Later....an excerpt from my blog

My son.

He's a year on November 22

He's someone I didn't plan on ever meeting or being a mother to.  Yet he's here in my life as a new "normal" for the past 12 months.

I was scared of him at first.  He was small, intimidating and very loud.  I'm used to silence.  I'm used to order within my chaos yet here was this little person calling all the shots.

 I gave up very easily in the very beginning.  I wanted no part of mothering.  My body was in pain and my emotions were in overdrive.  He was not planned. He was a surprise indeed.  It took me 9 months to calm myself over the notion that I would have a permanent change in my life.

And then it happened.  He came into this world so calmly while inside of me ran a gamut of emotions.

I was not suited to be a mom.  This new life deserved someone who could take care of him, love him, not resent him for being young and helpless.  He deserved someone with a pure heart in the mothering world, not someone who questioned her own sanity to bring a person into her life....a life that was flawed in so many ways.

But he greeted me nonetheless with a faint coo and a smile.  I did not melt.  I did not sigh in wonder.  I did not do any of the cookie cutter Hallmark movie  motions of being a new mother.

Instead I clutched my fists in prayer and pounded my pillows in angst.  What am I going to do?  What am I going to do with a baby?  Why is mothering so easy for some and so foreign to me?  I have the ability to nurture and love....what was my fear?........

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