- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Parenting
DH says I'm "berating"....
My husband and I are religious. We're Catholic and attend Mass weekly. My SIL is getting a divorce and we're trying to help her get back into going to church with us since she'd expressed a wish that she could more often, something her soon-to-be-ex didn't support her in.
She's the mother of our adorable little nephew. He's a rambunctious little guy with the sweetest smile and so much fun to play with. But I fear a lot of the time he's the one in control of mom instead of mom being the one in control.
We were at church this past Sunday and, since my motherly instincts are kicking in in the worst way possible apparently, I wanted to help and step in on taking care of Nephew because he wasn't listening to what mom is telling him and doing his own thing. SIL wouldn't enforce what she was telling him so I tried to help out. He's 15 months old and already copping an attitude to see how much he can get away with. He's a smart little guy and I know it. I got in his face and (not loud or anything) told him that Church is not play time and he needed to listen to what his mommy says. By the end of Mass mom's given up and he's laying on the floor, pulling chairs and a bunch of other things.
This happens often to the point where I feel like I've missed Mass because dear nephew is so distracting, especially when we're in a cry room and there are kids running around playing with toys and parents aren't stepping in.
My husband got angry after Mass and said that I was berating our nephew. That he's only 1 and he's not going to understand. I told him that without repetition and mom enforcing the law he's not going to learn. I'd like to help SIL with problems now so she won't have to deal with them years down the road. He fights me with a whole bunch of "devil's advocate" and logical arguments and I just get frustrated and end up crying because he doesn't seem to back me on this issue. I'm worried he'll think I'm going to be an impatient mom who's a control freak.
I know SIL needs to learn how to be a mom as well as I do and I do feel bad for stepping in, but I don't want our nephew to be one of those kids that people cringe when they find out he's coming over. I think I'm going to stay out of it and just try sitting by myself at church so I don't make DH angry or my SIL and really feel like I went to Mass.
What should I do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DH says I'm "berating"....
A. Not your child, stay out of it if the mom is RIGHT there...the only reason you need to step in is if the Mom isn't right there.
B. I'm also catholic, and I pretty much "went through the motions" at mass for a good 5 years while my kids were growing up....kids can.not. sit for an hour..They can't....for ANYTHING. And i"m not a pushover, I tried...but they can't.
C. At 15 months old, you still have another year or two before you can expect him to sit through mass.
The only thing I can think that might be "helpful" is if you bring books...we had our bag with books about God or Jesus that my kids would look at. Or if your church isn't strict about food, bring non messy snacks.
This sums up exactly what I was going to say
I don't want to be a biatch about this, but I don't know how to word this any better. It's not your business. If your SIL gives up, leave it alone. If you "got in the face" of my child at that age, I would have definitely been in yours with in seconds. I think she probably said something to your DH which prompted the conversations because she didn't want to start trouble.
It is not your job to "teach her how to be a parent".
You don't have kids, correct? I'm not sure it matters much, just clarifying, really.
At 1, there is no reason for him to be ending up on the floor.......he's probably 25 lbs or less, so when he gets irritated, he should be held in someone's lap. That is what 'time out' essentially is for that age. When my kids (at that age - I have 2 right now), do something that I don't like/is unsafe, i redirect or sit with them for them to calm down. If he's grabbing something he shouldn't, give him something he can have. If he wants to get down and run around, keep placing him back in your lap or on the pew. It's all about being consistent and repetition.
I think "berating" is a little overboard. Getting down to his level to remind him that he can't do something is totally appropriate. He may not 'get it, ' but he's more likely to follow suit when you are on his level.
And why are you going to the cry room? His mom can do that alone....or if you all want to be in mass/service, then is there a nursery available?
A few more thoughts because this is bugging me.
Your SIL gave up because you were pushing yourself into the situation. She's a single parent, something I CAN.NOT imagine for a tiny kid..its a LOT of work. So if someone is butting in front of her parenting to push their own ideas of what should be done, its REAL easy to throw up your arms and say "whatever!" because you are EXHAUSTED.
Just because you think your nephew is a genius does not mean he can sit still or won't test the rules.
I hope you and your DH aren't planning on having kids anytime soon....I have a feeling it will lead to many arguments between the two of you.
I think this is MUD
"He's 15 months old and already copping an attitude to see how much he can get away with"
You are nuts. Why don't you skip torturing your SIL and nephew during mass and start reading some child development books. The idea that a 15 month old would sit quietly through mass, unless it was nap time, is ridiculous and you are ridiculous for getting in a little babies face.
You are the one who needs to learn to parent. Leave you SIL and your poor nephew alone.
Wait let me get this right, you are not a Mom yet, but still feel like you know better than his Mom and can parent her oh so smart 15 month old? Wow so glad you are not my SIL, then again I was the best Mom before I was a Mom.
This is none of your business, my 24 month old would never sit through a service and I would not expect him to.
I agree with everything DandR said above. I don't think you realize how difficult it is to be a parent-- a single parent at that-- until you are one. Do you have older children other than the one you are pregnant with?
uhhh, your husbands right and DandR is right
and well everyone is the best parent before they are parent and you are no exception. please come back and post when you have a 15 month old. i love the turn arounds!
Butt out.
Your SIL and Nephew will only end up dreading being around you.
If you really have her interests at heart, then why don't you offer to take the nephew into the cry room alone, and let her and your DH sit out in the mass? Instead of trying to help her parent, help her BE the parent. Give her a break when she needs it, and help when she ASKS, but above all she is the mom and you need to step back.
I agree with the PP's so I won't go over the butting out again.
Maybe try offering to babysit for nephew so SIL can go to Mass & have some alone time (maybe she can go to the Sat eve Mass) and then you & DH go on your own to a different Mass. 15 months is a tough age to ask them to sit still for an hour. Alone time for SIL, playtime for nephew & parenting experience for you guys. Everybody wins.
I also agree with all of this. We go to Mass every single Sunday, too, and my kids have definitely gone through phases where it is tough getting them to sit still. They are kids! The key, in my opinion, is to keep going. They aren't going to learn how to sit still and behave in church if you don't keep taking them. Eventually, they will be mature enough to handle it. My experience is also that boys are WAY different when it comes to girls with this stuff; it doesn't matter who the parent is. I'm sure I thought I was an amazing parent with a well-behaved child when my daughter was 15 months old, but now that I have a son who is 15 months old, I've learned my lesson there!
Either way, he isn't your kid. How would you feel if someone did that to you? I know I would be really embarrassed if my SIL took it upon herself to teach my child how to behave right in front of me.
I think inviting her to Mass is a great thing to do. Just understand that getting a 15 month old to sit and behave 100% of the time for an hour or more is next to impossible.
My personal opinion is that if the kid is not screaming their head off in church, they are fine.
15 month olds are still babies. What you are expecting or describing is unrealistic. Maybe you should do a little research on 15 month old behaviors and "discipline". That may help you feel less frustrated with your nephew's behavior.
I agree with the pp that said you should apologize to your SIL. Not cool to butt in like that.
Something about your writing style makes this sound totally made up.
But just in case this is real, I second the suggestion of offering to babysit so SIL can go to mass by herself. I would never expect a 15 month old to sit through a church service. My youngest is 17 months, and there is just no way he would be able to sit with us for any length of time. He goes to the nursery for the whole service. My middle DS is almost 3, and he is just now at the point where he can sit with us for a few hymns and prayers before we take him up to the nursery. He still can't sit through a sermon.
15 month olds don't cop attitudes. They test limits. I don't see anything wrong with getting down next to him and reminding him to listen to his mom, but expecting him to sit still for a church service is just setting him up for failure.
check out her interests/etc. I'm going to side with LSU and say made up.
about me
my interests
my job
Budding Photographer , Entrepreneur , Live-in Cleaning Lady , Rookie Homemaker
I took a pretty strong hand in raising my nieces and nephews. I was practically a surrogate parents most of the time, attending their functions in their parents' place or taking them to birthday parties, etc. So I don't believe in the whole "not your child" argument.
But, at 1, that's just crazy. No 1 year old is going to understand the concept of reverence. We take our kids to mass (almost) every Sunday, FIL is a friggin' priest, but we don't even try to control my 2 year old son during mass, beyond trying to keep him quiet, and taking him to the cry room if we can't. Our 4 year old daughter is finally understanding the idea of actually paying attention, but it's still very hard for her, who is not nearly as high energy as the average kid, to stay still for that long. Give the kid a break.
If you can't handle it disrupting your masstime, yes, go sit by yourself.