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LI444
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If your husband works a LOT, how supportive are you?
LI444
member
My husband has a good job that pays our bills, that he mostly enjoys. We're (slowly slowly) paying off some credit card debt and then we'll start paying off our student loans. He and my BIL decided to start their own company, because both are ready to work for themselves and they both really want to do it. They have several clients lined up and both plan to quit their other jobs within a year if they can.
However, my husband goes to work, comes home, plays with our son a little, and then pulls out his laptop and works. Usually I curl up on the couch and we watch movies or shows together while he works after our son is in bed. Same pattern on weekends, with small breaks for us to go to church or run errands together. Last weekend he spent two or three hours on a Sunday preparing and then receiving a Skype call with a client, which was so frustrating to me. We had guests coming over and I had to manage our toddler and clean the house, and when I asked him for help he gave me the "sigh" look he gives me when I demand his attention.
Apparently this Saturday another client is being very generous and going over several things to help him and BIL, and also to talk about what she needs...but it will be an "all-day" thing, like 9-6. I know sometimes people have to work extra, but I'm pissed about it and trying not to be. I know this is important, but dammit, I'm tired of being the sole caretaker for our son five days a week, Saturdays are usually the day I get free time while he takes care of him. He's apologized and reassured me that he doesn't want to be away, but it's still very frustrating. I feel very guilty for being so annoyed, because I know there are army wives and plenty of other people who see their husbands even less. If your husband works a lot, how supportive are you? Do you try to keep your grumping to a minimum?
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Re: If your husband works a LOT, how supportive are you?
From what I gather, he's working FT and trying to start his own business, right? That takes a lot of time. As does owning your own business - there's no one else to do the work, especially if you're just starting out.
If that is the path he wants to pursue I think you're going to need to get used to seeing him like this, unfortunately. I'm not saying it can't be done, but until he and BIL get things really going, your H is going to be pulling a lot of hours, little to no vacation/holiday time, etc.
Yes, working FT and starting his own business on top of that.
I'm having a hard time adjusting. I'm very thankful that I get to be a stay-at-home mom, and that my husband is such a hard worker, but I'm also a little dismayed at the lack of actual time together we have.
A typical weekly schedule for DH-
Sunday- be at band practice @ 8am, play drums for 3 services until 2pm
Monday- work a 8-9 hr shift, come home, hopefully have a chance to shower, and then off to working on his recording studio until about 11pm.
Tuesday-work a 8-9 hr shift, come home, shower spend time with us, and then we go to Bible Study.
Wednesday-work etc, come home, shower, go to practice, and play drums for service that night til about 9 pm.
Thursday-work etc, come home, change vehicles to his personal truck, load up all his equip. and then go to his "grill cleaning" job, which is a company that he just started that is super booming.
Friday- Fridays are always diff., this Friday we have my uncles wake all day and then that night DH has practice for a CD debut. But other Fridays are normally work, then come home, get stuff and go clean grills.
Saturday- this Sat. we have a funeral, and then of course football, and that night he has practice and the CD debut. But a normal Sat. night is practice and play drums for church.
It all gets very overwhelming at times. But as far as the drums, and the recording studio, that is what his passion is. So I supprt him 100%. And with the grill cleaning business, the man know BBQ and lives and breathes grills, pitts, smokers, etc. And then his actual job, is much needed. So I have just learned to make it work. And to make sure that he is happy doing all of this. I always tell him that I want him to be happy and if he's not, then quit.
My husband is military, so it's a very different situation...but still, he works a LOT. 10-14 hour days M-F, occasionally on the weekends, and study time on top of that. Oh, and he's working on his Masters, too. And that's all when he's home...he's been deployed or otherwise out of town for more than 7 months this year.
Overall, I'm supportive, because he's doing a job that he loves and feels very, very passionately about. But there are days that it's rough, and I'd do absolutely anything to have a husband that works a regular old 9-5 job. He recently left for training for a few months, and worked a 15 hour day the day before he left. Not only did I want to spend time with him, I wanted a short break before being home alone with DS for 2+ months.
I think I would feel differently if DH didn't love his job. But I'm so immensely proud of what he does.....so it makes it a little bit easier. I'm definitely grumpy on days, and I've been known to give him guilt trips (l'm not proud of that fact, but some days are just plain rough). But we deal with it, and we know that it's the best thing for our family....and it won't be this way forever!
My only complaint is when I don't know in advance. If I know in advance, I can plan something else and am not left sitting around with 2 kids while DH works. DH knows this. I also like advanced warning when DH is coming home. This allows me to go about my day without having to worry that I am out when we could be spending time at home with him, and that I can get done what I want to get done before he comes home.
DH doesn't want to work all the hours he works, but he keeps getting promoted and likes the more challenging work. The more money he makes, the less time he has to work in the long run, even if in the short run he has to work hard. Me complaining isn't going to help us and will just add to his stress.
This is pretty much our situation. DH is basically at the whim of clients. If they call at 10pm on a Saturday night needing something he has to get it done or delegate it to someone who can (both of which take time). DH may see the kids for 20 minutes some mornings but never sees them at night during the week. On a good night he's not home until 8 after all 3 kids are in bed.
We have been doing this for so long that I'm just used to it and don't really complain about it. The only time I'll say something is when he has to work several weekends in a row. I try not to get upset since I know he doesn't want to work that much. I've got our routine down so when he is home during the week (rarely) it messes up our schedule.
We also have an agreement where if I need extra help at home I can get someone to help. I did have a babysitter come once a week this spring when DS was younger. I couldn't get the laundry done b/c he was not a good napper. I hired a babysitter to watch the kids for a few hours so I could get things done. I take DS to the gym most days to get a break and some "me" time. We also have him in preschool one day a week. I'm not sure I could do it if I didn't have a little break each week.
No, because he JUST got his day job (quit a lower-paying job with a mentally unstable boss...as in, his ex boss dances out of the office giggling) and he likes his new boss very much, and loves the job, so he wants to work there for at least a year before quitting to start his own business. He isn't really doing the jobs for the money. I mean, of course we need the money so I can stay home, but he really loves both of them. I do babysit our niece three days a week and I make a little doing that, but me getting a job wouldn't influence him to quit his regular job because he enjoys it too much.
DH's job is feast or famine. The past couple of months he has been working normal hours, that is about to change again. His schedule probably starting next week will be 7A-10P M-F then 8-5 Saturday and 8-8 Sunday. I am not going to lie it is tough on both of us. He misses the kids, they miss him, and I miss us.
I know I am stating the obvious but with #2 on the way it is about to get a lot harder. I did fine with 1, but with 2 I feel it is even harder when DH works a lot.
Sometimes it makes me sad, but why complain? He is busting his ass so I can SAH and we live extremely comfortably. Sure it gets hard and lonely, but it is what it is.
FWIW my Dad has always owned his own company, he was OOT for 80% of the year. He worked hard to support us (my mom worked for innsurrance), having your own company is hard work and lots of hours.
My brother is a CPA and your life is just like my SIL's. During busy season he works until 3 am or sometimes even later. I try not to complain about my DH working long hours because I know it's a lot worse for many other families. You're a strong woman!
I'm sorry, that sounds really hard and I can empathize with you!
DH is an Artist at Pixar and works later hours: 10-11am until about 8:30-9pm every day. I actually LOVE having him around in the mornings for his help with breakfast, getting Emily up, dressed, and fed, and for the two of them to have their special time together. Of course, there are days when I wish we could have family dinners together and have him do bath time/bed time but I've come to just accept it as our life as it's never going to change.
I honestly NEVER complain because while I was working in Corporate Accounting (100+ hours a week and travel 4-5 days each week!), my boyfriend constantly complained and it was unbearable for me! I constantly felt guilty and had a hard time focusing at work. I also dreading come home and getting an earful from him. Because I've been where DH is, it's easy for me to have more compassion for his work. Doesn't mean I don't feel lonely and frustrated at times, I just choose to vent about it with friends.
eclaire 9.10.06 diggy 6.2.11
Wow, that's a very loaded schedule your husband has. I like your attitude about it. I feel bad for getting upset when I know the reason he's working so hard is partially so I can stay home and partially because it's what he wants to do. I think I just need to get used to it, since there isn't really a way out of it (he wants to start his own company very much, despite the amount of work it will take).
Yeah, I expect when our second baby arrives I'll probably need to look into hiring someone a few times a week, so I can at least do laundry or take a shower. My husband's going to try to take two weeks off when the baby comes, but there aren't any guarantees.
DH typically works 6-7 days a week, depending on the season. The hours? Most often 6am to 8-9pm. We own a small trucking business and not only is DH a driver, he's a certified diesel tech so he's also the only working on the trucks if there is a breakdown. The business itself makes good money and DH doing repairs saves money. However, it means he puts in a LOT of time. Occasionally he can bring DS to the shop with him so they have some guy time.
As for couple time, I have to take what I can get for now. Does it suck? Definitely! Date nights are rare and I often feel like a single parent. However, as much as DH likes to be at home, he is much happier doing this than being at his old job. I use to be really frustrated that he wouldn't be home, but now I'm used to having the kids in bed and time to watch what I want, read a book, play on the laptop, etc. If DH is home we hang out together.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
This is us too. We have no family or support around, so without my extra 'help' I would literally never spend a moment away from the girls. I also have gym membership and daycare, and like Devon, we make sure to take frequent holidays away, even if just for a weekend, to spend quality family time away from work and the house. Thankfully, since his job provides so well, we can afford all of this.
I also find what makes a HUGE difference for me is being mentally prepared for his absences. I ask that he let me know if he's going to be later than normal, and also if he's coming home but will have to devote himself to work, rather than lending a hand. Nothing frustrates me more than counting on him to be there to help when he can't. Honestly, he's not that great about remembering, but I keep after him. This is what most of our fights are about.
Talk to your DH and let him know that you're struggling, and let him know what you NEED, and see what works for you both.
My husband works 13 hours a day M-F. It's hard to be alone so much and I sometimes feel like a single mom. I hate not being able to do anything (even the bare minimum) for myself because I always have an infant to take care of. However, he pays all of our bills. I always thought I would be able to contribute, but I got pregnant while in college and since becoming a mom I have decided to stay home. Also, I realize what a big job it is to be a mom. I try to keep a positive attitude during the week while he is busy and tired. In my case, I know he wishes he could be home more. This is why I don't mention it, I don't want to kick him while he's down. I can imagine how tired/stressed my husband is after such a long day and I know he's doing what he has to do to support us. However on weekends, he does 50 percent of the work with the baby/chores. We'e lucky in the fact that he is off on weekends. So, our sit is different than yours, but it is very important to spend at least a couple hours to yourselves. For you that might not be so easy, we have a baby who still needs lots of sleep. In order to get the bonding that I need, I try to do things like turn the TV off. Instead of staring at the TV together like we used to, we talk to eachother over dinner or while lying together and that makes all the difference!
My husband works at least 60 hours a day over 5 days. Also his schedule changes quarterly. I can never plan something 4 months from now unless he takes vacation or an off day. It gets old quick but you get used to it fast.
I also know that as easy as it is for me to go back to work and have some me time, I really don't want anyone else raising our children, so I suck it up and keep it moving. We decided before being married that I would more than likely stay home, even though I made more money, DH would exhaust it staying home lol, as well as he has the best insurance.
I think if you come up with a system you will figure it out.
I try to be supportive and succeed for the most part. He has a very demanding job and has gone through periods where he traveled frequently and/or worked 60+ hours a week. He's rarely home before 7 pm but he's traveling less now and is usually fully present for us on the weekends.
Because of his job we're able to afford preschool for both girls and babysitters when we need them, so I get frequent breaks. When the girls were younger (2 under 2) it was much harder, but it's gotten so much easier. This year our older daughter is in pre-K and we made the decision to let her go 5 days a week. It's made a big difference in my outlook and I'm very thankful.
We usually go out together on a "date" a couple of times a month. This is essential time for us as a couple and helps us focus on our relationship outside of the children.
Maybe what is frustrating you is that he is out spending a ton of hours a week pursuing HIS passions and doing exactly what he enjoys doing while you are spending that same amount of hours unable to pursue you passions nor do exactly what you would like to be doing. Your brain is always divided into a million segments and he is focusing on one thing...of his liking... for large portions of each day. How nice that would be. I have had bout of envy about this over the last few years.
ETA: Maybe you would feel better if you two figured out a way for you to have time to pursue your interests and hobbies.
Loraloo,
My hubs started a very demanding IT job, after being unemployed for 7 months. His job is demanding and He works from home even after putting in 8-9 hours a day. I try to be supportive, yet also, I am hoping he can get everything under control , so when the baby comes we can have attention. When supporting him, I ask him about his work. It relieves his stress some.
This is where we are! DH works on movies and TV shows and is totally at the whim of production schedules. I never know when he is leaving or when he will be home and I can never even begin to guess. He works 12 hours minimum most of the time and as long as 17-18 hours. I am supportive because he is well-compensated for his time and expertise and although he does enjoy what he does I KNOW that he does not enjoy being away from home. You two, however, need to find some balance especially with a new baby on the way. You are going to need support of all kinds.
I know how you feel. This year has been a whirlwind with my DD starting 1st grade and my DH being so busy at work. It's Thursday night sometimes before she's seen him in the evening and he's usually still working when he comes home at 7:30. I knew what I was getting myself into and I enjoy the benefits that come from all his hard work, but it is hard. He tries to keep work to a minimum on the weekend, but he has a lot of conferences and some clients who just don't seem to understand what weekend means. We also have work and client related dinners a lot. We are lucky to have tons of help with DD from family and sitters, so we usually go out on Friday nights for date night. That helps, but it's just hard sometimes. Do you have friends you can hang out with who's husbands work a lot? Both of my best friends have husband's with similar schedules {another lawyer and a doctor}, so it's nice to have somebody to complain with.
ETA~ It's hard to be ok with all the work when he is not happy about his cases/job, but when he's happy and having fun, it's much much better! In the end, he's great at what he does and it's how we live the life we do. So, vive la work!
OK, totally random, but your husband has the coolest job ever.