feeling a little insane, needing to vent

spark&echo · November 2010

Hi ladies,

A little bit of background: I had a c/s with my son after a failed induction in June 2009. I was under general anesthesia for my c/s. For many reasons it was very traumatic for both me and my husband. I had a lot of problems breastfeeding and bonding, and in the end, I was diagnosed with depression (as was my husband). The effects of my son's birth reached far into the first year of his life. It was very, very difficult.

I should also mention that I have a history of sexual abuse, and while it had been resolved as much as one can resolve those kinds of things, all those feelings that had once been attached to that experience became attached to my son's birth. I went to therapy and am doing much, much better with that.

Anyway, I'm two days away from my due date. My current pregnancy has been such an exercise in empowerment. My son's birth really was the beginning of a much-needed paradigm shift for me, not just regarding birth. I have learned so much from that experience and have been able to put that knowledge to work this time around. My husband and I have put 100% of ourselves into having a better experience this time around: we've planned a birth center VBAC (a water birth) with a midwife and a doula, we took Bradley classes and have done some of the Hypnobabies home study, I've read tons of material about natural birth and VBAC, I've been eating well and getting as much exercise and rest as I can. In short, I've done everything right.

I was doing fine until the last couple of weeks. My anxiety level is so high at times that I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm so afraid of this VBAC not working out, but more than anything, I'm afraid of having another devastating experience. I know that positive thinking is key, but I can't seem to stop the fear from creeping in.

I think part of it is the waiting. I feel like my life has been revolving around making this birth the best it possibly can be, and I feel like I'm just waiting for it to happen now. It's almost excruciating sometimes, not knowing what's going to happen. The other night I had some real contractions, and I was shocked to experience them. I guess part of me really does still feel broken and that's why I was surprised to experience my body doing something so normal.

I am also still dealing with a lot of anger about my son's birth, and from time to time I still find myself getting so mad at myself for not avoiding that first cut. It feels like I will never be a regular pregnant woman again; I will always be a VBAC hopeful; people will always gasp when I tell them that I want to have a vaginal birth even though I've already had a surgical one. I was so careless and uninformed the first time around, and I don't seem to have forgiven myself for that. And it's hard for me to watch others (like on the 3rd trimester board) be so casual about being induced, having c-sections, etc. There are so many misconceptions about childbirth, and it makes me terribly sad and angry.

I'm not really sure what the point of this post is, just need to let it out, I guess. I've got great friends and family, but not many of them truly get where I'm coming from. I'm hoping you guys will. Thanks for listening, and if you have any advice for dealing with all this, I'm ready for it.

iris427 · November 2010

I'm sorry you are feeling this way and I hope you can start feeling better.

I don't think it's fair to yourself to say that you were careless and uninformed last time. You were not careless. You did what you felt was best at the time, even if in hindsight you feel differently. You were the opposite of careless--because you cared so much about your baby, you let yourself be cut open. As for uninformed, it's one thing to read about hypothetical situations in a childbirth book and another thing to be making decisions for your actual baby in the heat of the moment. Ultimately, it was your doctor's responsibility to provide you with the best care, and if they did not do that, it's their fault. Not yours.

Even if this birth ends in a c/s, you can look back and tell yourself that you prepared for a VBAC as much as possible. Another c/s will not just be a repeat of your last birth, because you will have gone into it making empowered decisions.

I hope you can forgive yourself and find some peace. Good luck with everything.

JoelsGirl07 · November 2010

Someone told me, when I was having a moment like this, that I should be kind to the woman I was. If I was talking to the woman I was (when prepping for #1) I would never tell her she was stupid, or should know better. I would be kind, encouraging, and tell her that she doing the best she can with what she has. But now, you have MORE. You know more, you are stronger, you trust yourself more as a mama bear.

And like PP said, you loved your child enough to be cut open for them. You were willing to sacrifice yourself for the health and safety of your child. This time is different. Remember what hypnobabies says - "This pregnancy/birth and this baby are unique unto themselves." Maybe try spending some more time on the hypnobabies and see if that helps you calm down.

wendylaine · November 2010

I agree that hypnobabies can be a great tool to help release that fear and anxiety. Listen to your affirmations as many times a day as you need to to stay in a positive mindset.

papagena · November 2010

pp said things more fluently than I can. I know it's been hard for me to lighten up on myself for (in my case) giving in so easily to the c/s. I try to remember to be kind to myself when those issues come up, but it can be hard. It was such an emotional time for both DH & I, that it was easy to agree with the medical professional to the induction and then the c/s when the induction seemed to be failing. I once had a discussion in a mothering group about mothering yourself, and how that can be difficult - it's so easy to be understanding and patient with your LO's and others who come to you for help, but sometimes so much harder to do the same for yourself, even though you are just as deserving.

It sounds like you've done a fabulous job working through a lot of your issues from the birth, and trying to prepare for this one. I can only imagine as things get closer that you'll continue to deal with that, and I wish you strength and love while you are.

I don't know that I have any glowing words of advice, but I do think that at some point in my VBAC journey, I'll have to be prepared to just trust in what I've done and let go and know that things are in place that will allow this baby to have the birth that he/she is meant to have, whether that be vaginally or c/s. One thing that has helped me is knowing that I am doing everything I can to make this experience better, no matter how it turns out, from my provider choice to birthing plans to my c/s birth wishes, if that's what happens.

Hoping you have a beautiful, empowering birth!!

spark&echo · November 2010

I really appreciate the responses to my long rant. You guys are right - I need to stop being so hard on myself. I'm really making the effort to do just that.

For me, I'm terrified of my VBAC not working out mainly for health reasons. I really just want an empowering birth, no matter what form it takes. It's just that I really would like to avoid another surgical birth if possible. I hear horror stories about complications (hell, I knew someone who died after a c/s), and I just get scared.

But you're right, I've really done all I can to prepare for this birth. At this point what's going to happen is going to happen. I can't control it. And that's okay, I don't need to.

Thanks again, ladies.

nosoup4u · November 2010

Hey, hopefully you're still checking this thread! All I can say is I know how you feel, my pg with DS2 was nine months of thinking thinking thinking about DS1's birth and subsequent hospitalization (he was put on antibiotics for a suspected infection that was never found, had a spinal tap, was in the NICU - the whole gamut. DH and I were both pretty shell-shocked when we left the hospital).

I thought I was ready for another kid and prepared to try for a VBAC when we started TTC, but once I got pg again, I realized I wasn't. I dunno, all the anxieties I had about DS1 definitely came up during pg for me, too. You're definitely not alone!

I will say, I had a few nights of practice contractions, or times I thought labor was going to start, and I sort of freaked out on those nights, but when real labor started, somehow I was able to just let go (except when it came time to push- I was super anxious during that part, but that was what had stalled and ultimately turned DS's birth into a c-section) and let labor happen. Like, I had spent soooo much time thinking about it beforehand, but when it actually started, I was able to just live in the moment and not get ahead of myself with the "what ifs" of how it could turn out. And I don't think I really believed it before DS2 came out, but the adage "this is a different baby, pregnancy and birth" really does hold true, if you can get yourself to believe it.

Ugh, sorry this was so rambling! At any rate, hope it helped, even a little bit!

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