How do I get DH to help me?!

MrsDCruz · November 2010

I am seriously beside myself at this point, my DH is the laziest person on the face of this planet... and he does not care. I have tried everything, I nag him to help me, I beg, I ask nicely... nothing works.

We are on the fast track to divorce and I feel like my life is falling apart, I love him and want to make things work but if he is not willing to help then what is the point in having him around?! So I have another person to clean up after?!

Argggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg. Having one of those days.

Crying

JenPVH · November 2010

I am so sorry. I don't have an answer and can only imagine how rough it is. Was he like this before Danny?

MrsDCruz · November 2010

JenPVH:
I am so sorry. I don't have an answer and can only imagine how rough it is. Was he like this before Danny?

no, he started getting this way after Danny was born. He's selfish, the world revolves around him.

StephanieDeanne · November 2010

Bribe him with sex - really, I am just kidding.

Maybe if he had an idea of how bad it was getting for you and where it was leading he might straighten up?

sexyntexy · November 2010

Do you think leaving for the weekend and having him take care of the baby would make him realize how much you do?

JenPVH · November 2010

CruzMommyG:

no, he started getting this way after Danny was born. He's selfish, the world revolves around him.

Is it possible that he had the daddy PPD that may have not fully resolved?

Mine went through a mid life like crisis and went out and bought a motorcycle. Talk about timing!

erinkate23 · November 2010

Have you tried a strike? It's really really hard, but it might be what needs to happen - if you have tried real, solid communication and it didn't work. Try talking, serious adult conversation first....

BUT, here's how the strike works.

If you have a primary "housework" lazibum, don't declare a strike.... just stop doing housework. Don't wash his clothes. Don't buy him deoderant or body wash when he runs out. Prepare dinner for just yourself, eat on paper plates. Let the house go to hell, and wait for him to say something. He will, and THEN you can have an honest conversation about the distribution of chores. It make take 2 weeks, and you'll be ready to scream at how gross the house is, but those 2 weeks will be worth it.

If you have a "parenting" lazibum (and only if you trust that LO would be safe), a mommy day is in order. On his next day off, announce in the morning that you are leaving. Leave. Leave enough milk/formula, go out with the gals, and DO NOT come back until past baby's bedtime. LO will be fine with Daddy, and Daddy will learn what you do.

Now.... a note that might get me in trouble, I don't know your particular circumstance. If you are a SAHM and he works 60 hours a week, IMHO, you should do the majority of the housework and babywork. Not all of it, but most. SAHMs or SAHDs who expect their spouse to do 50% are delusional. SAH's job is to care for the home and the people in it, and while they should certainly expect some help from the working partner, it's not fair to expect someone to come home from work and immediately get to the dishes.

KelleyBean · November 2010

Have you guys had a "come to Jesus" talk about this? Does he know how you feel? Sometimes I swear men are totally clueless unless you spell everything out for them.

MrsDCruz · November 2010

erinkate23:

Have you tried a strike? It's really really hard, but it might be what needs to happen - if you have tried real, solid communication and it didn't work. Try talking, serious adult conversation first....

BUT, here's how the strike works.

If you have a primary "housework" lazibum, don't declare a strike.... just stop doing housework. Don't wash his clothes. Don't buy him deoderant or body wash when he runs out. Prepare dinner for just yourself, eat on paper plates. Let the house go to hell, and wait for him to say something. He will, and THEN you can have an honest conversation about the distribution of chores. It make take 2 weeks, and you'll be ready to scream at how gross the house is, but those 2 weeks will be worth it.

If you have a "parenting" lazibum (and only if you trust that LO would be safe), a mommy day is in order. On his next day off, announce in the morning that you are leaving. Leave. Leave enough milk/formula, go out with the gals, and DO NOT come back until past baby's bedtime. LO will be fine with Daddy, and Daddy will learn what you do.

Now.... a note that might get me in trouble, I don't know your particular circumstance. If you are a SAHM and he works 60 hours a week, IMHO, you should do the majority of the housework and babywork. Not all of it, but most. SAHMs or SAHDs who expect their spouse to do 50% are delusional. SAH's job is to care for the home and the people in it, and while they should certainly expect some help from the working partner, it's not fair to expect someone to come home from work and immediately get to the dishes.

I work 40-45 hours+ a week... and I am expected to keep the house clean and take care of the baby. DH works 40hrs but he works 4 10hr days so he has 3 day weekends.

erinkate23 · November 2010

CruzMommyG:
I work 40-45 hours+ a week... and I am expected to keep the house clean and take care of the baby. DH works 40hrs but he works 4 10hr days so he has 3 day weekends.

HELLLLLLZ yes, a strike is in order. Do not announce the strike though - that defeats the purpose. Just stop doing *** and wait for him to notice. Wait for HIM to bring it up.

PurpleK26 · November 2010

I agree with the strike thing. I also started to hang out by myself in another room, reading, crocheting etc.I didn't say anything, just started holing myself up. When dh asked, in a pitiful 'I miss you' kind of way, I just said that I was having a hard time being in the same room with him right now, I was just too frustrated with him etc. I wasn't rude or mean, just pretty matter of fact. Once he realized that I could be happy and content without him, he shaped up and started doing more.

Ba Lolly · November 2010

CruzMommyG:

I am seriously beside myself at this point, my DH is the laziest person on the face of this planet... and he does not care. I have tried everything, I nag him to help me, I beg, I ask nicely... nothing works.

We are on the fast track to divorce and I feel like my life is falling apart, I love him and want to make things work but if he is not willing to help then what is the point in having him around?! So I have another person to clean up after?!

Argggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg. Having one of those days.

This was us after our son was born. We came thiiiis close to divorce. I just told him that if I had wanted to be a single mom then I would have -- and that's exactly what I felt like. Yes, I am a SAHM, but it was/is of the utmost importance to me that DH have a bond with our child (something that wasn't happening). It took us about two months, but we finally worked out something that worked for us. Granted, it wasn't easy, but we got there in the end. He had to realize that I needed some down time and between taking care of a baby and doing 99% of the housework, I was going about 90 hours a week -- on five hours of sleep max.

Our schedule is this:

DH gets home about 6:10 every day. We have family time for an hour and then DH puts P to bed and I get a bath and read for 45 minutes to an hour(We eat late and usually everything is cooked but I just need to reheat it)
There are two nights a week that I don't cook. Wednesday and Friday. Either we get take out or he cooks. It doesn't matter what he cooks, I don't complain. Tonight it is frozen pizza and I am looking forward to it.
There is one day during the weekend that I get to sleep in.
It's rare that P wakes up in the middle of the night, but we used to split middle of the night duty. What worked for us was that both of us had to get up. He usually changed a diaper and then went back to bed and I stayed up to feed and put back to sleep.

I still do 99% of the household chores and take care of P 90% of the time, but those things saved our marriage.

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