On the verge of tears (long fear/vent)

Rachael07.07.07 · November 2010

My mom's side of the family is very small. She has one sister who lives in Iowa and one brother who is in the Chi burbs. My aunt has two kids, the boy being 3 yrs younger than me, the girl, M, 6 yrs younger. My uncle's twin boys are only 14 (they suffered a late loss and then a decade of IF and finally their 3rd IVF worked).

M just got engaged. She is thrilled, the rest of us, eh not so much. He's a hillbilly redneck. To my wedding he wore torn up jeans, a ratty t-shirt and a ball cap to both the church ceremony and formal (!) city wedding. I know for a fact people, including my grandma, told him to change multiple times and he wouldn't because he said he's not a fan of me. (like, ok dude, if you don't like me, you didn't have to come). Then at one point they broke up a couple yrs ago because she found texts from him to another girl that were not appropriate to say the least and that he was hanging out with some girl behind her back.

(ok that above paragraph really is just about me not liking him, lol)

Anyway. M is 20. They are planning a sept/oct wedding next year, when she's 21.

I am so afraid of her getting pregnant right away. I have learned (through my step-sister) that I can't control these things but honestly, I wouldn't be able to cope if she does.

Not that it really matters, but I am the closest to our grandma. I grew up closer (both location and emotionally) to her than any of the other 4 did. Our girl name is my grandma's grandma name(who raised her, as my grams tended to do with me).

I just want a baby. I want to not worry about dumb things like if my cousin will give my grandma her first great-grandchild. I worry about that because my grandma is not young by any means and I'm terrified that she wont get to see me with my own children. I'd be devastated if that happened.

Ugh, thanks for getting through my irrationalities.

PurplePanda83 · November 2010

Don't worry, your feelings are natural even if they are irrational. I have definately had those kinds of thoughts and things about other family members and such. You aren't alone. ((HUGS))

sed722 · November 2010

I feel you! have 3 cousins...all way younger than me who are popping out babies like it's nothing. It's frustrating and I feel bad that I'm not overly excited for my cousins all natural waterbirth...but really! We're not perfect. and if your grandmoms like mine she loves you more than the other ones anyway, and will love your baby more too. I know it's terrible...but it's true!

Yellow_Daisy · November 2010

I'm sorry. I think the lack of control over IF is one of the hardest things. I think everything you are feeling is completely normal. I'm sending you big (((hugs)))

Amie8301 · November 2010

I'm so sorry. Your cousin's boyfriend or whatever you want to call him sounds like a real piece of work. It's not fair that we have to analyze everything and worry about everything. And it's not fair that it isnt just guaranteed that you'll be able to make your grandma a great grandma, first. I'm sure it's especially difficult to think of someone else getting what you clearly deserve more. (((hugs)))

Stuckinthemiddle · November 2010

I have had the same kind of irrational thoughts as well. Its totally normal. Try to focus on what you can control, and don't worry about how you are going to handle things if other people get pregnant. You WILL be able to handle it if it happens, and there is no use in putting yourself through this right now at this point in time. Lots can change between now and then.

Wow, I should take my own advice. I know, everyone goes through good times and low times when dealing with IF. You could easily be saying something like this to me next week.

We are here for you!

Rachael07.07.07 · November 2010

sed722:
and if your grandmoms like mine she loves you more than the other ones anyway, and will love your baby more too. I know it's terrible...but it's true!

At her 80th bday a couple years ago I made a speech and I said something to this effect. Everybody was laughing and in my head I was going "laugh it up suckas...you know it's true." I tell my mom all the time my grandma loves me more than her. My mom tells me my kids will love her more than me so I guess we're even. Wink

Thanks for the laugh/smile!

LCS040209 · November 2010

Trust me you are not alone. I have these same fears and it all comes down to the fact that we just want a baby so bad.

Sorry and ((HUGS))

dulcinea03 · November 2010

Hugs to you. I completely 'get' how hard it is, and I found that when it would be a pregnancy in less than ideal circumstances it makes it 3x harder. I went through something similar with my siblings- I am the oldest, was the first married, only one with a college degree, yet was the last one to have kids. Hearing about my siblings' pregnancies was SO hard- especially the unplanned ones (yes, more than 1) from my sister who was living in my parent's basement.

I wish I could fix it, but I will say that even though my girls are grandkids #5 and 6 (3 and 4 within 9 months) for my parents, they are completely doted upon. In my family, the adult relationships are dictating the grandkid closeness far more than the birth order. So while I didn't get the "first grandkid" title, I'm happily running away with the "most stable family dynamic" title.

Sunshine05 · November 2010

I just want to offer you hugs, Rachael, and tell you that I know exactly what you mean. Same issue with my younger-by-several-years cousins who are in no way ready to be parents having babies. Two have given my grandma her first great-grandchildren and being that she raised me and I consider her my Mom, it was really something I had hoped to do... especially being the oldest and having been married for years longer than they had!

But as someone else pointed out, she has straight up told me not to worry b/c mine will be cuter! I know she'll love them more! ;-) She's already started crocheting blankets for them, and has kept some outfits she bought for their kids for mine b/c they're just too cute not to save for me! I know it's wrong, but I love it!

I also know the fear that she'll never meet my children. She is really sick right now (although currently stable) and I fear if it takes us much longer that she'll be gone. That is a fear that lives inside me every day, so I understand. *hugs*

etoyama · November 2010

((hugs)) I can understand where you're coming from. And it's worse because you don't even like the guy (he sounds different, to say the least), so of course the thought of them having a baby is upsetting!

jani7 · November 2010

((hugs)) I think IF makes all of us have irrational and rational fears we shouldn't be having to worry about. Sorry you are having a bad day!

Rachael07.07.07 · November 2010

Thanks everyone for the reassurance. I know in my heart that the fear of not having my grandma meet my children is what drives a lot of it. I'm not going to dwell on that or the fear of my cousin getting pg before we do anymore. It will be in the back of my mind, but that wont do me any good to think about it. I had my little freakout, putting my big girl panties on.... Geeked

DeputiesWife · November 2010

You arent alone. At all. Youre not being irrational. I am very sorry you feel this way.

::hugs::

DeputiesWife · November 2010

Stuckinthemiddle:

I have had the same kind of irrational thoughts as well. Its totally normal. Try to focus on what you can control, and don't worry about how you are going to handle things if other people get pregnant. You WILL be able to handle it if it happens, and there is no use in putting yourself through this right now at this point in time. Lots can change between now and then.

Wow, I should take my own advice. I know, everyone goes through good times and low times when dealing with IF. You could easily be saying something like this to me next week.

We are here for you!

Your first paragraph sounds like my DH! LOL.

I should also take his advice. I tend to pull the cart before the horse ALL THE TIME!

I hate that IF is so unpredictible.

more HUGS

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