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Babies: 3 - 6 Months
Moms of two or more. How do you deal with ur frustration? Long.....
I have a 3.5 yr old boy and a 3 .5 month baby girl. Ds has been acting up sooo much and beign very aggresive with me and dd. I feel in my heart that A LOT of it is because I am not able to spend as much time with him as I used to. Dd has been having a lot of spitting up issues that requires me to hold her up a lot so she won't choke. I"m also trying to up my milk flow, which also taking a lot of me ( pumping) trying to eat healthy,and on top of that house chores. Dh gave me the idea that when he gets home from work on the day s he gets home at 6/7pm for me to take ds even if it's to run errands to spend time with him. I have been doing that but he is so excited to get out of the house and be alone with me that he goes crazy, he's even broken things. He is running around the store excited and doesn't listen to me and has even run out the store to play with the electric sliding doors cuz he finds it amusing.
At home he's been aggressive with me where he actually bit me right on my butt cheek and hard. He throws things when he is upset and has thrown things at me. He also has the habit of hitting me and his sister with his head. I get so frustrated that I have spanked him already like 4 times( in the past 6 months , for the first time) and I DONT want to but dont' know how to control myself.
Dh and I said we didnt want to spank him untill we felt it was needed because we dont want him to get used to the spanking where it just is not effective. Plus I was spanked a lot when I was little and it was very harsh spanking where I was afraid of my mom and of dissapointing her. I dont want to be my mom.
We do alot of time outs but he is actually starting to enjoy them. A few days ago was the last time I spanked him ( the 4th time) I was sitting on the couch after feeding the baby. I was sitting on the edge of the sofa and he jumped on the sofa and was jumping behind me and then decided to throw himself down on the soft and he hit me with his head. I got mad but figured well maybe it was an accident so i told him to get off the sofa. Well he then on purpose with all his force hit me right in the lower part of my back with his head after I told him not to do that. He said no i'm not getting off the sofa. I have had some problems with my back so when he did that, I felt like lots of nerve sharp pain radiate throughout my back. I just turned around and spanked him and felt horrible because at that moment I reacted to the pain and him saying no and doing that on purpose.
I"m sooo upset with myself because I dont want to spank him anymore, I know there are people out there that have probably done ti way more than I but still 4 times is too much for me. I'm always screaming at him, no dont do this, stop that, dont hit your sister,. I sound like a crazy women sometimes and that is not me.
I"m just so overwhelmed and frustrated how can I change and handle this . I want to be a better parent and learn how to handle my anger and frustrations when he gets out of control. Is there a book or something I can do that will help me handle his fits differently and leave the spanking out to the last resort . I try to walk away and give myself a time out but feel like there is more I need to do.
Sorry so long........
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Re: Moms of two or more. How do you deal with ur frustration? Long.....
Both of don't know how scared I was to write this post . I was so afraid after I sent it that I was going to get flamed which would make me feel worse. But I just needed to let this out and in hopes of finding other moms that are going through the same thing as I am. Ds is going to the potty now and i'm here checking my mail. I'm making more of an effort starting today to try hard to spend more time with ds. I agree that the house work will just have to take backseat. Not sure how that will play out with my allergies to dust, lol and not cleaning/vacuuming as often as I have to but I just want to be a better parent.
It would be hard to find somebody/group/church soon as we moved to a new location. I have an peds appt for my lil one so I will be discussing this with the doctor as well, mabye she can rec a place/group or something to try. Thanks for the tips and also encouragement AND for taking the time to read my long post. You don't know how a few kind words and suggestions can really help somebody else out. Thank you
I have a 3 year old and a 3 1/2 month old. My 3 year old is pretty good with the baby but he has definitely had moments that tried my patience.
One thing I do that works is when ds hurts me - either physically or by saying something mean - I pretend to cry. I tell him he hurt me and I don't stop until he comes over to hug me and apologize. I keep telling him he hurt me or the baby. I want him to understand that actions have consequences. It took a few times but now ds immediately stops what he is doing and apologizes when I pretend to cry.
I also think that order and routine are even more important when a 2nd child is introduced. They had you 100% and now they don't know when they will get your attention. I know it's hard with an infant who isn't on a schedule - but I try to do certain things in the same order. So, for example, when we get home from daycare, ds must immediately go on the potty. He can't play with his trains until he does. Then he goes to his trains. Then after 15 minutes, we read a book. Then we have dinner - you get the idea. It doesn't matter if it is 1/2 hour with the trains or 15 minutes. My son knows that after trains comes reading a book and then dinner. I think just knowing what is coming helps him.
Of course there are times where our schedule gets messed up - let's say I have to go to the store. I ask my son choice questions -do you want to stay home or go to the store with mommy. At least if I give him a choice, he feels a little more in control.
There are times mommys need down time. Tell your dh you need to recharge your batteries. Next week I am having a girls dinner with a friend and leaving both kids with my dh. I need to talk to an adult for a while! But having something planned helps me know that I will have my own time - that way I have something to look forward to and don't get as stressed over the little things.
Hope this helps- I certainly don't have all the answers!
IUI- BFN IVF #1 -BFP! Allie is our 2nd IVF baby. Born at 36 1/2 weeks after pre-e again
Oh Lisa, I just want to hug you and take you out for a drink! I feel your pain. My two are just shy of 3 years apart. My older son was wonderful all summer long with the transistion to being a big brother. We thought we had it MADE! Then school started. He goes to 3K two mornings a week to the same place he went last year for the same amount of time for MMO. I actually thought life would get even easier. Ha! He was great the first 2 weeks of school. Then he started screaming, crying, and shaking when it was time to be dropped off. It is sad, fustrating, embarassing, everything. His behavior at home also changed. He never threw temper tantrums before. Those have started. And its like he has turned deaf. He used to always obey us. Now I have to tell him something a million times. He too seems to enjoy time out. It used to be so effective. Now it is harder because we spend 10 minutes trying to get him to sit still, quiet, and no toys. Or if we're say at the dinner table and he's doing something wrong, he volunteers to go to time out just to get away from the situation (like eating his dinner).
While we do not have the hitting me or being mean to the baby, he is hurting me almost emotionally. It tears me up to hear him so upset when I leave at preschool. And he used to be fine with me putting the baby to sleep and daddy putting him to bed since bedtime usually always falls at the same time. But he is so sad wanting me to put him to bed. Its like the toddler seperation anxiety all over again only worse because he is saying things like "mommy, I love you" or I need you or I miss you. Heartbreaking.
A friend of mine went through more of what you are talking to. In fact she probably could have written your post last year. But being around her, I could see sometimes what her little boy saw. She would be holding the baby, talking sweetly to her then he'd do something bad to get her attention and she'd turn to him in a mean(er) face and scold him. I've been very careful with my sons to include older son with baby interaction, baby talk, etc. Don't know if that helps!
I have a 4 month old and a 2 1/2 year old, and we have days like this. Sometimes many days like this! It is all attention-seeking behavior and of course my 2 yr old still adjusting to this huge life change. There are nights at the end of the day that I feel like a failure of a parent. We do the best we can. We are human. And, sometimes I think it helps for our kids to see we get frustrated, too, but of course we want to model for them how to cope with frustration.
I understand your DH wanting you to take DS with you on errands at the end of the day, but if you are like me, I need some alone time at the end of the day. Even 15 minutes of no crying, whining, having to meet others demands, etc. is a life saver. If I can have this time, then I am recharged for bedtime, and ending the day with my DD on a good note always helps. We alternate nights of putting DD in bed, but of course if we feel one of us hasn't had as much quality time with her, then that one does the bath, reads to her, etc., which gives her some really good, quality alone time with one of us.
I should note that I am not BF as it didn't work out for us. Especially during those early weeks, I just could not imagine being able to nurse and maintain any sanity in my house. Kudos to you for making it work! And for eliciting feedback from others on how to help things run more smoothly at home.
I don't know what to tell you about dealing with the jealousy. But if you don't mind, I'd like to make a suggestion about your DS acting up when you go out for special time. I swear by this method because it worked so well with my now 11 year old when she was small.
When we got ready to go somewhere, I would sit her down and tell her exactly what was expected of her in terms she could understand (no running, yelling, stay with me, etc.), and also the consequences if she misbehaved (no ice cream, etc. or the worst - we would leave). When we got to the store or wherever, I would make her repeat the expectations back to me, and the consequences. This is the only warning she got. The first time she acted out - we left. Period. No discussion, no amount of begging, we just left. It didn't matter if we were standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, or at the park, or the zoo, or a restaurant. We left.
It took maybe two times of this happening to let her know I meant business. No yelling, no repeating myself 10 times, no spanking.