Moms of strong willed babies please come in

SigmundsGirl · November 2010

For the most part Evan is a loving happy baby, but in certain situations he gets very angry.

Evan has been a pretty intense baby since birth. He used to scream at every diaper change, still screams when we change his shirt, loses it completely when we wipe his nose, etc.

For the past few months he has been testing out his voice and screaming. I posted here about it and took a lot of the advice. In the past few weeks the testing of his voice has changed to screams of anger/frustration, to get our attention, or because he doesn't like that we ook something away from him. He clentches his fist and lets out a loud/high-pitched bust. And if that doesn't do the trick he does it again and again (louder if he can) until he gets what he wants (picked up or attention).

I don't want to encourage this method of getting our (or the teachers at daycare) attention. I know he is still too young for real discipline, but I can't just ignore it, especially out in public.

We have tried saying "no", but that does nothing and I don't want to say it a million times and have diminishing impact. We have tried making an "aaaa aaaa" noise and that works some, but then he will test us to see if we will do it again or how loud he has to be before we make the noise. And the teachers at daycare probably aren't going to do this every time he screams. They have said he only does it there when he wants their attention - like when they are tending to another child.

I have no idea what to do. I want to do something age appropriate, but instill good behavior. I don't want to reward negative actions with attention, but I don't want to ignore it. I have researched this online and it all basically says I'm screwed until he gets old enough to discipline.

Do you have any advice or can you recommend any books? We are all frustrated at our house at this point.

TIA!

charlotteL · November 2010

Joshua started having full out tantrums at 9mos old. If we were at home we ignored it. There was no way I was acknowledging his behavior. If we were in public depending on how many people were around I would either ignore or take him to a restroom to let him finish.

No real advice because a scream is different from a tantrum. All that was to say that I sympathize with you.

horn_jm@hotmail.com · November 2010

At this age, distraction and redirection really work best... the word no has no meaning to them until much much later, unfortunately.

LisaK2b · November 2010

yeah...there's really not much you can do at this age to get him to understand that he shouldn't scream other than redirect him. When Ally gets all worked up and starts screaming or doing her back bend cry, I try just to make a funny noise to get her attention. And then I do it again and she starts to laugh. I do it one more time to make sure she forgets about whatever she wanted it and it seems to work 90% of the time. Then she's all smile for a good umm..maybe 5-10 mins! hahaha But at least she forgot whatever she wanted but I didn't want to give her and so it's a form of redirecting.

I don't think you're spoiling them or rewarding them for bad behavior at this time. You're simply redirecting (even if it's turning a cry/scream into a laugh). Sometimes when she's crying during her diaper change (okay..she cries and it's a wrestling match during EVERY diaper change)...I normally blow on her stomach or try to tickle her with my "claws". This normally gets her giggling and still for me to change her diaper.

CareBear01 · November 2010

SigmundsGirl:

I'm screwed until he gets old enough to discipline.

I was going to say this. Wink You are probably most worried that you will "screw him up" in some way that he will be a bad kid later on. He's still a baby. Don't worry about instilling bad habits at this time - he won't even remember this stage (do you remember getting disciplined at age 7 mo or at age 5?). When he gets older and can logically understand being "good" vs "bad", then you can be more careful of your actions. I still say just ignore it and go with the flow - hopefully it is much less stress on you!

ETA: I would also recommend redirection at this stage - especially if you are at home. If DS started throwing a fit, I would walk away and start playing with his toys (especially the noisy ones). He would snap out of it pretty fast in order to come play with me, and then all would be well. You can give him the attention, but make him come to YOU, so it's not as if you are tending to him and the tantrum.

SigmundsGirl · November 2010

CareBear01:
SigmundsGirl:

I'm screwed until he gets old enough to discipline.

I was going to say this. You are probably most worried that you will "screw him up" in some way that he will be a bad kid later on. He's still a baby. Don't worry about instilling bad habits at this time - he won't even remember this stage (do you remember getting disciplined at age 7 mo or at age 5?). When he gets older and can logically understand being "good" vs "bad", then you can be more careful of your actions. I still say just ignore it and go with the flow - hopefully it is much less stress on you!

ETA: I would also recommend redirection at this stage - especially if you are at home. If DS started throwing a fit, I would walk away and start playing with his toys (especially the noisy ones). He would snap out of it pretty fast in order to come play with me, and then all would be well. You can give him the attention, but make him come to YOU, so it's not as if you are tending to him and the tantrum.

You have got me pegged. This is what I was worried about. And yoiu are right, he won't remember this as he gets older. This morning I walked away when he started screaming and it actually worked really well.

I really like the suggestion of going to play with a toy to get him to snap out of it. I'll try that this evening and see how it goes. He isn't crawling just yet, but maybe this will be another incentive to start. Right now he turns around in a circle on his belly, but doesn't try to move forward.

Thanks for all of the great advice and support!

kat.in.the.hat · November 2010

and remember, this is the only way he has to communicate with you right now. Babies at this age are like simple toys with just an on/off switch. They're either happy or they aren't happy. So when he's not happy, he only has this way to let you know about it. He hasn't learned moderation (in temperament or in voice) yet.

And please, like CareBear said, don't let anyone try to make you feel like you're raising a spoiled kid or a "bad" kid or anything like that. And by anyone, I mean yourself too. I second guessed so so much of Marion's infancy and babyhood that frankly, when I look back to the time when she was under 9 months old, I don't have many happy memories of it because I was so worried I was doing something wrong and somehow screwing her up for the rest of her life.

You two worked so long and hard and through so much to have this little boy, try not to worry about tomorrow too much and try instead to just enjoy today with him. As long as you don't neglect him, beat him, or feed him coke and snickers for every meal, he's going to grow up into a great little boy.

Suzi-G- · November 2010

This has nothing to do with being strong willed, or being bad, or setting bad habits. This is called being a baby. He's a baby, of course he wants your attention, he should want your attention that means he's an active, healthy, engaged little guy who is growing and learning and LOVES you. He doesn't understand that there's a "proper" way to ask for attention and he's not likely to any time soon. Be careful you don't label loud as bad, people can't really be bad until they understand the difference between good and bad.

LisaK gives some great suggestions on how to distract him. When he yells blow lightly in his face, chances are he'll stop yelling, he might even laugh, then quick make a noise, ring a little bell, tickle him, turn him upside down, crinkle a magazine--play with him. Think of yourself as a stage magician, you have to anticipate his needs and redirect his focus constantly. As he gets older, he'll learn other ways to engage you and other ways to express himself, but for quite a while he's going to like making noise.

Cooper is about the most laid back happy baby ever but he still screams when he wants something, he loses it when we take something away or wipe his nose. This is all normal baby stuff. It is true that some babies are more intense than others, and I don't doubt at all that Evan is driving you up the wall. But right now I think it would do you more good to work on accepting your son for who he is rather than trying to change him. One day, being loud and demanding may serve him very well in life.

SigmundsGirl · November 2010

kat.in.the.hat:

and remember, this is the only way he has to communicate with you right now. Babies at this age are like simple toys with just an on/off switch. They're either happy or they aren't happy. So when he's not happy, he only has this way to let you know about it. He hasn't learned moderation (in temperament or in voice) yet.

And please, like CareBear said, don't let anyone try to make you feel like you're raising a spoiled kid or a "bad" kid or anything like that. And by anyone, I mean yourself too. I second guessed so so much of Marion's infancy and babyhood that frankly, when I look back to the time when she was under 9 months old, I don't have many happy memories of it because I was so worried I was doing something wrong and somehow screwing her up for the rest of her life.

You two worked so long and hard and through so much to have this little boy, try not to worry about tomorrow too much and try instead to just enjoy today with him. As long as you don't neglect him, beat him, or feed him coke and snickers for every meal, he's going to grow up into a great little boy.

Thank you so much! You really put things in perspective, which I tend to lose sight of so frequently when I am stressed. After reading this I spent a good hour playing with Evan on his play mat and we both had a wonderful time!

SigmundsGirl · November 2010

Suzi-G-:

This has nothing to do with being strong willed, or being bad, or setting bad habits. This is called being a baby. He's a baby, of course he wants your attention, he should want your attention that means he's an active, healthy, engaged little guy who is growing and learning and LOVES you. He doesn't understand that there's a "proper" way to ask for attention and he's not likely to any time soon. Be careful you don't label loud as bad, people can't really be bad until they understand the difference between good and bad.

LisaK gives some great suggestions on how to distract him. When he yells blow lightly in his face, chances are he'll stop yelling, he might even laugh, then quick make a noise, ring a little bell, tickle him, turn him upside down, crinkle a magazine--play with him. Think of yourself as a stage magician, you have to anticipate his needs and redirect his focus constantly. As he gets older, he'll learn other ways to engage you and other ways to express himself, but for quite a while he's going to like making noise.

Cooper is about the most laid back happy baby ever but he still screams when he wants something, he loses it when we take something away or wipe his nose. This is all normal baby stuff. It is true that some babies are more intense than others, and I don't doubt at all that Evan is driving you up the wall. But right now I think it would do you more good to work on accepting your son for who he is rather than trying to change him. One day, being loud and demanding may serve him very well in life.

I have no doubt that Evan will be stubborn and strong willed like his mom. My mom said that I started behaving this way when I was about 3 and Evan is already doing some of the things I did then.

We are trying to find ways to work with his personality instead of fighting it. You are right, I have to just accept it (for now) and move on. And I am fine with loud, what I find unacceptable is the earsplitting-clentch fist-angry bursts. I have to come to terms with him exploring his vocal cords while testing my nerves and learn what is age appropriate. That is difficult since i have no reference as I am the next youngest person in the family. Evan is the firsst baby in our family in 35 years.

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