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Adoption
When to tell family that we're matched?
Hello ladies! I could use some advice... While I'm new to this board, my husband and I have been pursuing a private domestic adoption since April.
I'm wondering when my husband and I should tell our parents that we're "matched"? Lawyers, facilitators, and I have been negotiating this situation for a week (so far birthmom has remained in the background). Contracts have been signed, and we think that it's a go, but.... It isn't 100% certain. (Is it ever?)
We've been matched before, and at that time we excitedly told my parents--and then, upon receiving new information, we decided to pull out, which disappointed my family very much. My husband's parents don't even realize that we're actively pursuing adoption, as they reacted so negatively when once we broached the idea "in theory" that my husband decided that we simply didn't need the stress of their involvement. This announcement would be news to them in more ways than one.
However, this baby is due seven days from now...!
What would you do?
TTC'd unsuccessfully from 2004-2010
Adopted our beautiful baby girl in December 2010!!
Currently matched for second adoption
This discussion has been closed.
Re: When to tell family that we're matched?
We have been wondering the same. We have not told either side that we have started the process and are unsure of what to do. We may wait until the baby comes home, just for a special surprise.
Prayers that this is the one and that all goes well, and that you find the answer that is right for you. Personally, I think I would wait until the baby was born and then go-SURPRISE!!! Good Luck!
I wish I could answer it for you. I think you need to do what works for your family. We were matched with a baby who was already born. There was a slight chance the birthfather may try and claim parental rights, so our SW told us it might not be a good idea to tell family. But we felt so good about the situation, we told just about anyone who would listen. Fortunately it worked out and we finalized DD's adoption this month.
If you feel that your family would be more of a support if something goes wrong, by all means go ahead and tell them. If you feel it would be better to spare their feelings until the baby is born and consents are signed, that's your perogative and you can definitely go that route. If you decided to wait until then to tell your DH's family, I can totally see where you're coming from.
GL!
I can only tell you what we did:
We were matched the first time and really opened our hearts to the process. I went to Dr's appt's with BM and took her shopping for maternity clothes, went to a family bday party and met her entire extended family, and ended up with broken hearts. Not only did our hearts get broken, we had shouted from the rooftops to everyone we knew that were were matched, and were finally going to be parents.
DH had to make the calls to tell everyone what happened, and to cancel my shower which was scheduled for the next weekend, tell our workplaces, friends, it was terrible.
The next time we were matched, was very short, and we didn't tell a soul, because I couldn't stand the looks and the way people tiptoed around me. By not telling anyone, they didn't have to know we were hurt again.
The third time (which ended up bringing us our DD), we didn't tell anyone. In fact, we just aproached it as if it weren't going to work out, and didn't get excited, in order to protect our hearts. The baby wasn't due for 6-weeks, and we had a cruise booked, and everyone told us to go, that we were fine. As a precaution, we told one set of friends just in case the baby was born while we were gone, and needed them to bring the baby home until we could get back.
Of course, as luck would have it, the baby was born 5-weeks early while we were on our cruise, which resulted in tons of issues, which were eventually worked out. We picked up our DD from her birth grandmother when she was 3-days old, and immediately stopped by my work to fill out insurance forms, which really shocked my co-workers. We hadn't told them about the match, and just walked in with a baby.
There were some people, friends and relatives that were upset that we didn't tell them, but once we explained why, they completely understood. At the end of the day, it's all about you and that little baby, everyone else will get over it and be happy for you, if you decide not to share.
I may have a different opinion about this than others, but I'm all about protecting your heart, especially if you have already been through a failed match. If you don't, have much devastation can one person really take?
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and stories!! For now I think that we'll try to "protect our hearts," as AmberF says.... (My heart is already so much involved that I'm very scared....!)
I'm thinking and praying for all of you, too.... What a journey this is! And how wonderful that this online community exists! It helps me just to write to you.