How to avoid the blame game? Help. — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

How to avoid the blame game? Help.

It started to really hit me this morning...that is, all the things I might have done wrong to cause my miscarriage. I have come up with close to a dozen reasons, and feel like I am going crazy. 

Deep down inside, I know, if anything, I was being overly cautious.  I've had two different people tell me recently that I actually might have caused my miscarriage because I was too uptight----ugh that hurt to hear. And then my mom said it might be because my doctor prescribed me Prometrium at 6 1/2 weeks, which was right when the baby had good growth and a good heartbeat but right before things went down hill---double ugh!

Did any of you experience this feeling of blaming yourself? How do you stop?

 

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Re: How to avoid the blame game? Help.

  • Yes.  It is so easy to blame ourselves.  I think it is because we want to find a reason that it happened.  It's not your fault.  Things happen.  Your friends and your mom should be more respectful and sensitive and not say things like that.  That would make me very mad.
  • It's NOT your fault!  There are numerous studies/articles that tell you straight out, stress (which I associate directly with being "uptight") does not cause miscarriage.  Your body said "No"...but it has NOTHING to do with what you did or did not do!!!!

    Call your doc...let him/her know and listen to THEM tell you it is NOT your fault.  Record the conversation if you have to.  Write it down...then when you start to blame yourself, remember what you were told by the doc, remember that people who tell you that YOU caused the miscarriage are JERKS and I seriously doubt your doc would've prescribed anything that could've hurt the baby...but ya know what...when you call the doc to find out it was NOT your fault, ask him/her if the Prometrium could've had anything to do with it.

    (((HUGS)))

    Loving life with DH, DS (5), DD and Angel Baby DS watching down from Heaven! We are excited to be trying for our final LO! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • Thank you for responding. It feels good to hear such advice from someone who has actually been in my shoes. I think my mom and friends just don't realize what things might be hurtful to say during this time. And yes...in many ways I wish I knew the cause...but in other ways, I'm not sure knowing would help either.
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  • Its not your fault. Early miscarriages are typically due to chromosome problems which you have absolutely no control over.  Nothing you did or didn't do could have caused this, and beating yourself up won't help.
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    Missed m/c 10/25/10 @ 11.5 weeks

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  • I felt (sometimes still do feel) the same way you do, but I have had numerous family members AND physicians (I work in a hospital) tell me that 97% of m/c have had no direct cause from maternal harm. Unless you were hitting the crack pipe or doing crazy stunts, you were definately not the cause of your baby's death.

    In addition, im sorry you have to go thru this, ((hugs))

  • I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. You are not alone at all in your feelings, I've been there & still have my days. You did nothing wrong, bad things like this unfortunately just happen some times. Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you influenced it, they are horrible people for saying those things to you.

    Best wishes 


    Even miracles take a little time - Cinderella

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  • I think it's quite normal to blame yourself and come up a reasons upon reasons for your loss. I've come up with quite a few myself and still do from time to time. But, I think there's no use in blaming yourself for what happened bc very often, even the Drs can't come up with a reason. I'm just trying to keep a clear mind these days and not beat myself up (or blame myself) much for what happened amd hope that our next try will give us our take home baby.
    Three angel babies...I think it's time for a change
  • I think its a natural reaction but nothing you did caused this to happen.  Being "uptight" is natural, and doesn't cause miscarriages.  I'm sure the Prometrium that your doctor prescribed didn't either-your doctor knows what is best for you.  Sadly m/c happen, and you couldn't have done anything differently to change that.  I am sorry that you are having people say things like that to you!

    TTC since 5/2010
    DX with Diminished Ovarian Reserve - AMH of 1.1 - 7/2011; AMH of .42 8/2012
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    IUI #1 (w/clomid)-9/5/11-BFN ; IUI #2 (w/clomid)-10/5/11 - BFP - 11/1/12-No sac seen; 11/2/11 and 11/9/11-Methotrexate 
    IVF #1- ER 2/2; ET 2/5;-Two 8 cell embryos transfered = BFFN
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    BFP!   11/16/12 U/S- Two nuggets with perfect heartbeats! EDD 7/10/13

     

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