Husb. doesn't want to foster
I talked w/a local agency on Friday for about 30 mins. She explained their foster program & that they are low right on foster families. Of course there is always that possibility of the child being released back to BM or a relative, less than 25% she said but DH doesn't like that idea at all. I've tried to explain that yes sometimes it does happen & sometimes it doesn't but it's the risk you are taking when fostering. There is no fee for us to foster, just our love & time is what we can offer. He stated to let things happen how they will for us & really stop looking into this much further, suggesting I get a hobby to keep my mind off things. I said "a hobby is not going to make a baby for us". Adopting is more his route but I also stated that a BM can change her mind in that situation as well.
So I really thought I was moving forward w/this but I'm not. I guess the urge to have a child isn't as strong as mine right now. So I don't know where I belong anymore on these boards. I'll be a lurker in the "getting a hobby section!"
Re: Husb. doesn't want to foster
Aww. It's fairly common for one spouse to be "ready" to move forward before the other is. (I'm in that situation right now!) All I can say is, give him space to come to his own decision... Occasionally check in without pestering, and don't pressure him. If you are a religious person, pray that both you and your DH be led to the same path, the path that is right for you to build your family.
I asked a question a while back on how to cope when you are ready to move forward but your spouse isn't. I'll try to dig that up for you. ETA: Found it! https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/42975929.aspx
*Hugs* I know how you feel. We struggle with IF. Last year this time I was on the IF board because we were going through the IVF process-it didn't work. Now a year later we are still "discussing" moving forward with adoption. I've been ready pretty much since November of last year. My DH goes back and forth, now though a year later (and no IF treatments since last year) I think he may finally be coming around. It's hard. I'm right there with you.
Thanks for that link GulfCoaster, at least I know that I'm not alone.
When I spoke with this agency, it just so happens that out of the 4 class sessions we needed to attend, the first class is this saturday in my home town. It just seemed so right. It just seemed like everything was falling into place, but it wasn't when I got home =(. I kept asking about moving forward because I had to call the agency to reserve a spot for the class, I called her & left a msg that we will not be attending & maybe in the future when DH is ready, I would call her back.
DH had done some work at my parents house so it was just him & my mom & I guess he brought up the adoption talk w/my mom saying that I was talking about it & of course my mom encourages it so I know he thinks about it too but the fact I mentioned of the small possibility of the child not being ours to keep at first, he didn't like that. I said "well then we will keep fostering until a child is OURS, it does happen, there is nothing you can do about it but move forward but if you always think negative, you will never move forward". IVF is not something financially we want to do right now & he told my mom that as well. Fostering is FREE! What is the harm in opening our arms, heart & home to an innocent child that needs that love.
I will just be patient & wait. I guess w/adoption & fostering you don't have to be in a rush due to age to become parents whereas doing IF treatments at an older age, the %s become less that it will work. If 3yrs of TTC & not working now, I don't see it working in the future when I'm older. Thanks ladies for the advice!
I'm sorry your dh isn't at the same place you are...
Would he be willing to attend a informational session, just to learn more?
GL!
I am mostly lurking on this board and we aren't ready tot ake this step right now (I'm on the IF baord) but thought I would offer my input (hope you don't mind). I understand YH concerns. It is very, very difficult when you foster and bond with the child and then it is taken away - especially if you see the ome situation as a difficult one and know you could give the child a better life. My family fostered when I was a teenager and it was very devestating when a family member left. As an adult I think it wouldn't be AS hard because I would know from the get-go that the child wasn't mine but still it would be very very hard.
The numbers taht you quote (25% chance of going back to the BM or relative) doesn't sound correct to me. It is the first priority of the foster care system to try to keep families in tact and to do their best to get teh birth family ready to take the child back. Adoption is only considered after re-unification is ruled out. In about 1/3 of the cases the child returns to the BM and/or BM, about 1/3 the child goes to another relative, and about 1/3 the child will be adopted. If you only have a 1/3 chance of having that child become a part of your forever family, that is a lot of risk for your heart! The problem that I see is you often do not know for many months if the child will go back home and by then you are deeply bonded iwth that child.
DH and I are still considering what our next step will be. We are simultaneously researching infertility treatments and adoption and will make our decision once we know more about our infertility situation. Right now he wants to do IF treatments but I am hesitant because of the toll it will take on my body, on our relationship, and b/c of the huge risk of loss. I am very open to infant adoption and would file the paperwrok tomorrow, but DH is not wtih me yet (he's on the fence but I think he will come over), and we have talked about fostering and alternate - somet iems he's open to it and sometimes I am but never both at the same time! Growing your family is such a beautiful thing and such an important step that I think you want to make sure that you and DH are on teh same page before moving forward. And like you said, fortunately with adoption, you don't have quite the same urgency as with TTC. Good luck.
History of IF and 2.5 years TTC. The day we were to start our first IUI we received a call that changed our lives forever and 10 month old Olivia joined our family. Shortly thereafter we got a surprise BFP and baby 2 is due July 5, 2012
I would say that the numbers are probably very accurate. We were told 7-10% in our county become reunified. I.WAS.SHOCKED. That is such a low percentage and they have definitely stressed that their first priority is reunification...but obviously, it just doesn't always work out. Each county/state will have different stats though.
It is a big decision and I hope you and your H will be able to move forward together, holding each other's hand.
Oh I truly agree that you two have to be on the same page & that is what I'm waiting for. You can't do it alone. You will never know what will happen unless you make those first steps. If you always think of the worse happening than it will. You have to be positive just like in TTC, you have to stay positive that you will get that outcome that you want.
After 3 yrs of TTC & 2 losses I'm ready to move to something more promising. DH still thinks because of the 2 pregnancies that it will happen & it may but for right now it's not & I'm tired of feeling left out from being that mother. We are furbaby parents yes but some others don't look at it that way. He may come around. He doesn't like being pressured into anything. I don't want that to ever come back & say "well you pressured me & see what happen" type attitude. It's a huge step, just as in TTC is a huge step as well!