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taagent
member
Stepkids and clothes
taagent
member
Hey ladies,
I need some suggestions. As most of you know we have SD every other week. Since we have her an equal amount of time neither parent pays cs and each pays for clothes etc while she is at their respective homes. This has been the way it has been for several years.
About 2 years ago we started a practice of putting SD back into the clothes she came to us in because we were spending all of this money on clothes for her and we would never see them again. BM was mainly putting her in clothes that were too small/disgustingly dirty/stained, so we didn't feel comfortable putting her back in the clothes she had been wearing, it was really frustrating to say the least. This system has worked for us for the most part with a few exceptions.
For example we picked up SD on friday to go to the beach for the weekend and since we weren't home I couldn't wash her clothes that she was wearing. She did have another outfit that was here last week I was going to put her in so BM could have it back. The problem is it was summer shorts. While we live in the south it is still cold here right now, as in in the low 40's and completely innappropriate for shorts. The outfit she came to us on Friday was also shorts so neither outfit would work. I had to go through her drawers to find pants for her to wear and ended up giving her a pair of sports pants to wear. Now, this will be the second pair of pants we have given her to wear back to BM's house because she couldn't wear what she was supposed to.
Basically I am running out of clothes. If SD can't for whatever reason wear an outfit back to BM's I make sure that it gets put in her school bag to go back to the other house asap. Unfortunately that doesn't happen in reverse. I just got back two shirts that SD wore over there a few months ago...in fact I had forgotten about both of these shirts! I just don't know what to do. I have told her that these pants need to come back to us, I didn't care whether they were washed or not, we just needed them back because we haven't gotten the last pair of pants back. I have tried buying clothes we don't mind never seeing again but that doesn't work very well, because then I feel guilty about spending the money. We are going through clothes faster than the good stuff can become "old".
I am just out of ideas. We want to make sure SD has appropriate clothes and it isn't about BM not being able to afford clothes, she just doesn't pay attention to SD so she walks out of the house wearing stuff she shouldn't for the weather or because it is too small. WWYD?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Stepkids and clothes
GSDLover - I am not sure what you meant by your comment. We NEVER send SD back to her mothers in clothes that she shouldn't be wearing (ie weather innappropriate or dirty/too small). All of her clothes are washed before they go back and if she can't wear somthing it goes back with her not on her. We give BM the clothes back because they are hers not ours.
SD is 8 and we do tell her that clothes need to come back which is what I told her this morning - re: the pants. I have tried going to second hand strores but find it hard to buy clothes I don't find cute or just willing to throw away essentially. We got some clothes from my neice and I use those mainly for throw away since they are free. I guess I just need to have DH talk to BM about it...which will inevitably end up in a fight because most things do.
I apologize for the confusion - Originally she was sending her to us in inappropriate clothes and we kept giving SD new clothes because she couldn't wear the other clothes. At that time too clothes went back and forth between houses regularly granted we wouldn't see outfits we liked back for months. Which is why we would try to put here in the same clothes she came to us in, unless there was a reason we couldn't.
Although most of the time SD is good about picking out clothes there are times when she just can't wear the clothes back, or like this weekend where we didn't have the opportunity to do the wash (and it was too cold), and on one occassion SD couldn't find where she put a top, where we have to put her in something else.
8 year old girl clothes are expensive! Her jeans are $20 and up and shirts start somewhere between $10 and $15. We have bought clothes at walmart and unless you get them on clearance they are still not cheap, and there are usually not many good sizes left - believe me we buy inexpensive whenever we can just for play clothes if for nothing else but even her play clothes drawer is not as full as it used to be... what does KWIM mean?
KWIM = Know What I Mean
I think it must be really frustrating, but you didn't address my questions. Why can't SD pack up her clothes? An 8 year old should be able to grab "that pink sweatshirt and the jeans with the butterflies" or whatever it is, and put them in her bag. Also have you told BM?
We also have lost clothes to BM's house, so I started the same practice as you - sending them to her in her clothes from the last visit.
I also got donations of second hand clothes from a couple of moms and have given her several bags of clothes for them to wear at her house. The clothes were in good shape, and not outdated or ugly. She seemed appreciative.
Maybe there's someone you know with older girls who would be willing to give you clothes you could donate to BM?
BM used to do the SAME EXACT thing!
It's very frusrating! We once used almost all of Suzy's pants cause we would send them over and never see them again. She always claimed that she was washing them. It got to the point where we had to just stop sending back our good clothes and send them back in the clothes she put them in. Even if that meant they were the wrong size. The expection was cold or hot weather. In those case we just bought some throw down clothes...old PJ's or around the house clothes.
My only problem with that Mrs. Sesa is that SD has to wear them to school, and I honestly could never make her wear the sweatpants we have as "outside playwear/get down and dirty" pants to school. If we were talking about drop off and pick up on a saturday or sunday then heck yes! but we chose friday because...well, we wouldn't have to see BM as often (I know that sounds bad, but it is the truth - DH would prefer not seeing her every week) & because it is easier with schedules.
Why not get SD a "going to dad's house" outfit? SD is old enough to dress herself and to know which day she's going to your house. It doesn't have to be anything tremendously special. I'd recommend a fleece sweatsuit and a cute shirt of her favorite band or whatever. It should be washed the day you get her and be left in a backpack or bag in your car for the week to make sure she can change into it before you drop her off.
It's a pain in the behind, I definately get that. Pinky's father only sees her four times a year and I still refuse to send clothes with her, except for what she wears and an outfit to change into on the trip. Before I started doing that, he constantly sent back the clothes I bought with huge stains down the front. Once, she went to see him for three weeks I think. I packed up her clothes, shoes, etc. Sandals, dress shoes, water shoes and sneakers. Every single pair, even the black patent leather mary janes came back with an inch of dirt in the bottom of them. Clothes were missing, socks didn't match and none of them were clean.
Click me, click me!
I have somewhat of the same situation - I am the BM with full custody of my DS & DD. My ex gets them every other weekend. I am the only one that buys clothes for my kids. I would pack their clothes for the weekend and a large portion of that clothes would not come back. I would politely ask for them back and not see them for months -if they've ever been returned. I just lost count and it was getting frustrating and very expensive to try to replace clothing.
I tried sending laundry bags for the kids to put their clothes into - didn't work. I tried asking ex to have a specific place for them to put their dirty clothes that is easy to find and return - didn't work. It didn't work because there is no incentive for my ex to make it work. Sadly, it was his way of "making" me spend child support on the kids (he doesn't agree with it going towards electric, phone, mortgage, etc... but that's another story).
I resorted to something that I thought I would never have to do but it has been working for me. I send a list of clothing that was sent with my children and expect that it all be returned at the end of the weekend. It helps me and the ex know what was in their bags and what may be missing.
I agree with making your children accountable to their belonging but how do you maintain that when the other party does not and puts NO importance on returning their things. You cannot.
IN our situation b/c things got complicated, I just started putting the first letter of our last name on the tag of clothes. That way BM knows it belongs in our house. It's worked for the most part but if we have clothes left over from a weekend at our house of her's and unable to return it immediately, she sends the kids over in barely any clothes (sending a message) but what happens is we have to use those clothes for the following weekend b/c she barely sent any clothes and end up not returning them again - it's a never ending cycle.
So I hear you on the clothes war. Communication is key.
Send them an e-mail asking if they have "xyz" pair of clothes because you can't seem to find it in your house. BM has texted me asking if I have a pink pair of shorts or a purple sweat shirt - which I let her know if we have it or not. I always return it immediately b/c that's her way of asking for them back.
As an aside, for some reason, SD6 was missing underwear. They were neither at our house nor BM's. Then SD9 found SD6 was hiding dirty underwear when she forgot to wipe in a toy. Gross.
I hear you on the clothes. DS spends two months in tx and two months in mn. She sends him with a suit case of clothes, that are two small and inapropriate for MN weather, so I never open it I just tuck it into his closet. We buy him clothes and shoes, and send him home in said shoes and clothes, we never see those outfits again and if we do they have stains on them and are ripped. He usually flies home in the early morning 5 am flight so he flies back in his pjs, wich we dont mind. I always wash and return the outfit that he came here in. She often ask why we dont send anything new and DH tells her. Because we never see them again and you lose his clothes.
So maybe you should just pick some in expensive clothing for her to go home in.
Freestyle.com. Get yourself a butt-load of free clothes.
Always keep a set of clothes on hand for pickup.
When it's your money that's going to a house where the child may or may not wear the clothes, but regardless, you never see them again, I agree that it's worth stressing over. Clothes for 8 year olds ARE expensive, especially in today's economy.
That being said, we buy cheaper long sleeved t-shirts and sweats at Wal-Mart or Target to send SS back in if there's a reason he can't go home in what he wears here. We used to just put a "Daddy's house" outfit on him, but when we stopped getting the good stuff back, we stopped doing that.
We had the same problem about 1 yr. ago before my SD's BM moved away. So, I called the BM the morning we had to pick her up. I told her that I needed my SD's clothes and that it was okay if she sent them dirty, that I would wash them. That seemed to work a little, perhaps after the embarrassment but it didn't last that long. So, I bought my SD a pink jumpsuit and told her to keep it in a bag. Anytime we dropped her off I would walk her to the door and ask her to go change out of the jumpsuit into other clothes at her mom's. When done I asked her to give me the jumpsuit and took it with me. Two days later (she only spent the weekends) I picked her up and gave her the jumpsuit to change into so we didn't take any clothes from BM's house. It was a hassle for my SD, but there were days that she had nothing to wear to school so she knew it was important we kept her "school" clothes with us. I was feeling scummy about this but, after the 2nd weekend I was sent back 2-13 gallon bags of clothes that had been kept at BM's home . . . dirty of course.
Now BM is miles away and we couldn't be any happier!