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Attachment Parenting
anna7602
member
Temper tantrums a result of "permissive" parenting?
anna7602
member
Let me start by saying that since the beginning, my parents have thought I am too permissive with DD due to BFing on-demand and bedsharing. I'm sure a lot of you have dealt with similar criticisms from your own family, but the funny thing is that when they are with DD, they let her eat whenever she wants, sleep (or not sleep) whenever she wants and, what drives me battiest, buy her whatever she points out in a store. I wouldn't exactly categorize them as models in the toddler discipline department these days, whatever they may say about how they raised me.
So DD has a total meltdown yesterday in the midst of all the Halloween-related activities. I try to say that she's overtired and my father says something snarky like, "that's funny, she wasn't overtired before she really wanted to grab your knife at lunch. She must know that if she cries hard enough, you'll give it to her." (Not true, but that's besides the point.) Then he launches into a speech about how toddlers whose parents aren't permissive don't have tantrums/meltdowns.
It made my blood boil. Wanna weigh in?
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Re: Temper tantrums a result of "permissive" parenting?
I'm pretty sure toddlers will do that no matter how their parents are
It's part of their development!
I think all toddlers have tantrums - sure if you gave into her every time you did, you'd be encouraging them. But I'd hardly classify co-sleeping and nursing on demand as permissive and tantrum inducing!
The only time kiddo ever gets really whiny is when he's tired - it's like they forget how to deal with life at that point.
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Toddlers have meltdowns.
Things that are very exciting (like holidays) overstimulate their little brain and it makes perfect sense that at some point there will be a meltdown. Positive Discipline 0-3 (think that is the title) says that you should EXPECT occasional meltdowns, make sure they are in a safe place and let it happen (while occasionally speaking calmly and comforting them after). Disappointment is a terrible emotion for even adults, and it is so much worse for children who are focused only on the moment and don't have experience or brain capacity to understand that everything will be okay and they can have another treat another day. Anyway, your parent's memories are faulty if they don't remember tantrums from their children.
Now that DS is 4, I have noticed that we rarely have meltdowns and we can usually talk him out of it. So something in the brain develops between 3-4 that allows them to remember things (remember when you were sad about leaving the mall?) and cope with disappointment better.
In the meantime all you can do is help them label their feelings and help them get through it (while not giving into the toddler demands) and mature emotionally.
Good luck dealing with tantrums of your toddler AND your parents!
BFing on demand and cosleeping are not examples of permissive parenting, IMO. Letting your grandchild stay up past their bedtime is a better example of permisiveness than feeding your LO when they are hungry.
There are many different styles of parenting amongst my friends with LOs. The one thing we all have in common is tantrums. They are just a part of life with a toddler who is unable to communicate their feelings to their parents. I think we can do things to minimize the tantrums, like make sure LO isn't tired and make sure they're not hungry. But sometimes, a tantrum happens anyway.
At least for my parents and DH's parents, I think that they were taught to be "strict" with their kids...about everything. It was the grandparents who got to be "fun". So now that they have grandkids, they expect to be the favorites. When they find out that we play with bubbles in the house and run around outside until we fall in the grass, it leaves them feeling that they missed out on having fun with their own kids. So they want to label us permissive. Playful parenting is not necessarily permissive parenting.
This When I worked at the daycareall the toddlers were raised differently then one another and they ALL had meltdowns at one time or another. As long as you don't give in every time I think you are good! like all the Halloween fun just became a bit much. Sorry you are having to go through that with your parents.
This!
Sounds like your father was being a jerk. Anyone who claims that a certain way of parenting or disciplining will avoid all toddler tantrums is full of crap!
I agree with PP. Though we try to be consistent I know I deal with tantrums slightly differently if I know the cause. If he's not overtired we redirect but if he's tired I'll often cuddle him through it. If we're out and about I'll often just keep calmly talking and explaining what we're doing but we never give in about the source of the tantrum.
I don't know about your parents but I think to some people anything that's not arguing, yelling, making threats or making your "authority" known during a tantrum is considered permissive parenting.
I've been thinking a lot about this all day and I think what you say here in the end is true. We were basically scared of my father growing up because he constantly "made his authority known." I would like DD to respect me, but I do not want her to fear me. I guess my father thinks lack of fear= lack of discipline.