So, if you were my mother, would you

meghans30 · October 2010

send cards on special occasions knowing that the kids would not be given them? Put money in a bank account so when/ if she has contact with them she could show then she had been thinking of them all this time?

Temp108743750006959 · October 2010

If I were your mom, I'd contact a lawyer, start a journal, and probably send cards too. I'd enter money into an account and write down the occassion in the journal.

I'm sorry your mom is going through this.

juniper19 · October 2010

The problem with her contacting a lawyer, or even sending cards after they've made it clear they don't want any contact, is that she'll just alienate them further.

My cousin cut out the whole family. I'm sad about it, but I don't dwell on it. For my aunt, however, it is devastating. She has three grandchildren she'll never know - her only grandchildren. The story is complicated. My aunt isn't perfect but she isn't harmful and she doesn't deserve to be cut out. As far as I know she doesn't set aside money for them or anything. If they decide to reach out when they are old enough I'm sure she would embrace them, but that's all she can do.

wildfloweragain · November 2010

I'd make a box of stuff I'm saving for them. Mostly historical stuff, though, not like "Him13 yr old child I now have contact with you, this Elmo doll could have been yours and you missed out."

More like "I'm glad we have a relationship, you are special to me. I have this bracelet for you, some cards, family pics, etc."

goodheartedmommy · November 2010

As someone who has cut the IL's out for parts of her children's lives, are you sure you know the whole story?

meghans30 · November 2010

goodheartedmommy:
As someone who has cut the IL's out for parts of her children's lives, are you sure you know the whole story?

Yes, I am sure I know the whole story. It is not just my mother who has been "cut out," but my brother's ENTIRE family. His 3 siblings. my 2 boys, my father - EVERYONE. My SIL has slowly alienated my brother over the years. If events do not go her way or if you do not act in the way she expects; puff ex communicated! We were told that our family is a negative influence to the children. I'll list some of the hurtful things I have been on receiving end of:

1. Being told my developmetally delayed 2 yo at the time was a "threat" to their children. My brother and wife would not attend holidays in which he would be present. I know this was said.

2. Being the recipiant of a parenting book due to the above statement when I was 9 months pg with my 2nd child. Had me in tears.

3. Not invited to my nephews adoption party, 1st birthday, etc. due to their feelings towards Trev. My mother was invivted to the courthouse, but not the party afterwards.

There are numerous other examples and sadly this is not the first time we have gone without speaking or seeing the kids. My SIL is a control freak and I feel is emotionally abusive to my brother. She does not allow him to have lunch with my mother or father alone. Everyone must go. This list goes on and on.

Personally, I've stoped caring. I know I am a good person and will not allow anyone to treat me in the above manner. My mother is just heart broken.

LanaM · November 2010

I am sorry your family is going through this.

We are in a very similar situation...... DH's sister is married to a very controlling man and in the summer he cut off all of the ties/relationships with the DH's family (us, his parents...etc).

I also wanted to set up a separate account and to put all of the birthday/holiday money to that account... and to give to my niece eventually... I am sure it's going to be at least 16 years until we see her (she just turned 2 y.o.). DH thinks it's pointless...

I did send an email to SIL and BIL on niece's 2nd birthday just saying happy birthday and we love her.

Oh, he took them to another country, where his family is...so we really can't even mail anything to them.

Hugs.

EastCoastBride · November 2010

wildfloweragain:

I'd make a box of stuff I'm saving for them. Mostly historical stuff, though, not like "Him13 yr old child I now have contact with you, this Elmo doll could have been yours and you missed out."

More like "I'm glad we have a relationship, you are special to me. I have this bracelet for you, some cards, family pics, etc."

I like this approach. I wouldn't put $$ away from them - I'd use that money for the family I am in contact with. Not those who have banished me.

I know your mom is hurting, but I think by buying them cards and saving them, that may help. And ti doesn't force herself on them.

Honestly, I hve to wonder if everyone just did entirely back away and do as asked, if your brother is then truely, entirely alone, he'll realize that it's not right. If your mom sends cards, she is only giving SIL more to be angry about and get on your brother about.

jlw2505 · November 2010

I so feel for your family and your mom. It is a shame your brother is letting this happen but when in abusive relationships, you don't always see things the way people on the outside do. If your mom feels the need to do something, she should set up trusts for the kids, put the money in there that she woul;d have spent on gifts for them and pick an age (over 18 so the mom can't touch it) when the kids can have that money. I would not try to reach the family that asked not to be contacted, unless the feeling of a safety issue is at hand. I think it would only make things worse.

JennJim2006 · November 2010

jlw2505:
If your mom feels the need to do something, she should set up trusts for the kids, put the money in there that she woul;d have spent on gifts for them and pick an age (over 18 so the mom can't touch it) when the kids can have that money. I would not try to reach the family that asked not to be contacted, unless the feeling of a safety issue is at hand. I think it would only make things worse.

I agree with this approach. I also agree with EastCoastBride. Hopefully your brother will realize that this is not right. We are dealing with some similar issues with family members(though not as extreme--yet) but I could see it turning that way in the future. ((Hugs)) and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Want a personalized experience?

So, if you were my mother, would you

Re: So, if you were my mother, would you

Choose Another Board

Search Boards