furious - gma swatted DS
so, we went to DH's grandparents' home this evening for dinner. DH was outside raking the yard for them, while gparents and a few other family members were sitting around outside watching the kiddos play.
gma was sitting on the steps of the porch, and DS1 (he's 2) was trying to go up the steps. for some reason, gma didn't want him to go up the steps and was putting her arm in front of him to stop him.
(this is where i should have stepped in, she has weird 'rules' and they were getting into a silly power struggle)
she told him not to go up, or to stay down or something, and he said, "i don't wanna" - which is his saying lately anytime someone won't let him do something.
so she swatted his bum and said, "You don't tell grandma no." she didn't yell, but it was stern. she didn't swat him hard (and he could probably barely feel it thru his cloth diaper).
my jaw literally dropped, and i make a little croak noise, but somehow i held back all the terrible things i wanted to yell at her. we do not spank. and if we did, it would not be over something as trivial as that, and it would still not be okay for anyone else to lay a hand on my child.
there were a couple other people around that i'm pretty sure saw but didn't seem to think anything of it. (or they just wanted to stay out of it)
then, she let him up on the porch, so he was happy and continued to play. my blood was boiling and i was pretty much shaking. i didn't say anything because i didn't want to make a scene in front of DH's family.
i told DH a few minutes later, and after talking about it (and he was mad, too), we decided that he should be the one to say something, as it's his grandmother. then he wanted to talk to his mom about it first. he did not get time alone with either his mom or gma while we were there (although i don't think he made much of an effort), but he spoke to his mom on the phone later and she agreed that we/he should speak to his gma in person about it, just calmly tell her that we do not spank/swat and would appreciate it if it didn't happen again.
she has never babysat the boys, and she never will. she is very impatient, has ridiculous rules, and, apparently, spanks. she's an old lady. i know that it was very normal to spank when she was raising kids. so part of me wants to keep this as low-key as possible (and possibly just forget about it), but i also want her to know that we feel strongly about this.
anyway....even though DH did not even see it happen, is it fair to just let him handle it? or should we both have this conversation with her? (i'm afraid that i won't be as nice about it as DH, and will create family drama.)
Re: furious - gma swatted DS
I think you handled it pretty well. I would have said something to Gma, but that's just me. I don't tend to keep my mouth shut about anything.
I think it's totally appropriate that your DH is handling the situation. I let my DH handle things that pop up with my IL's since they don't like me a whole lot anyways (probably because I don't keep my mouth shut).
You showed great restraint by not going crazy right then & there! I don't know if I could have done it.
I don't know how your relationship is with DHs family but I would probably just let my DH handle it (as long as I felt he would actually handle it!). My ILs seem to respond better to him than both of us! Luckily since she won't ever be really babysitting your LOs it shouldn't be a problem. Just keep a close eye on them when at family gatherings with her!
I would have flipped a freakin switch! Gma or not, she'd have felt my wrath and god help anyone who told me I was wrong to do so. No one has the right to spank someone else's child.
Definitely let your DH handle it (as he is probably a bit more aware of the family dynamics, so he'd know how better to word things) but do make sure that he heavily emphasizes how upset you both were that she felt she had the right to do that to your son.
I think you did the right thing by not saying anything- people rarely "hear" you in the heat of the moment. If ds would have been traumatized/upset then I think saying it right then would have had more merit. As it is you are younger than her and an in-law so I would doubt she would take parenting advice from you on the spot if to her your child seemed fine.
I would allow dh to speak to her and once he does if anything like this happens, you can firmly remind her what your expectations are for her interactions with your child.
All too often we as mom's think, "my child" while others don't see it like that, instead they see it as " my great-grandchild" or whatever role they are to the child. And when you view them [the child] as a part of you you do what works in your experience, until shown otherwise. It doesn't make that person a monster it just makes them ill-informed about your expectations. I would like to think that my son does not just belong to me but there are others who love him and will discipline him if needed using the methods that work for my family. Impress that upon her and it won't be a our way is better/ he is MY child way. Truthfully we never know who will have to be in that role to support/nurture our children we should prepare others to raise our lo's in the manner that we would. GL. I am sorry that you had such a crummy experience.