How to deal with parental fallout re: children
My parents and I had a falling out last week. LSS, I told them they were not welcome to come back over until I received an apology. My mom came over and apologized, and emailed Fi to apologize for things she said to him. I was okay with that, I've talked to her since then. My dad, completely different story.
We were supposed to go with them to a festival this weekend. At first it was just supposed to be my mom and little brother who's 14, and I was willing to deal with that. But now my dad is going. And I don't know that I want to go. He scared DD during the incident last week, and I'm NOT okay with that.
Fi says he doesn't want to go period. He says that even if people apologize, but they don't change how they act, then it doesn't mean anything to him. So how do I deal with it? I don't want to withhold my children from them, because that's not the right thing to do. But I don't want to go behind their backs and go to the festival anyway, and THEN explain why later. Should I just call them and tell them that I'm not ready to be around my dad? That if they want to take the girls themselves they can?
How would you handle it? (And it's more than just the festival. We had a lot of stuff planned this weekend and the weeks coming up).
Breleigh & Mason
Re: How to deal with parental fallout re: children
Okay, not knowing what happened, but knowing that obviously you felt strongly enough to act the way you did, MO is...
you shouldn't go
at least for now
I think you & your FI should have a united front on this, since it concerns your LOs.
I do agree with him, that if people say they're sorry but don't change then it doesn't mean anything. The real "sorry" is in their change of actions, not in the words.
But at the same time, if you're never around them, you're not giving them the chance to change their actions.
And since you're dad isn't willing to apologize, then it's not likely he's gonna change his actions either.
Hopefully everyone just needs more time to calm down. Whatever it was, it's still really recent.
GL!
To sum up the situation, they overreacted HUGELY to something that was very simple and just an accident. My dad is VERY good at overreacting to just about everything, and they basically made a huge mountain out of a molehill. My dad came over to "talk" Monday night (he told my mom he felt bad so he was coming over to apologize) and when I told him he was wrong, he got upset, started yelling, slammed my front door shut, knocking something off the wall. Scared DD half to death.
Went home, got into a fight with my mom because my mom was feeling guilty, and he made it worse, and so then they were fighting about it. But she thinks that you can't change someone, and with my dad it's "just the way he is", but I'm not okay with that anymore. They've always been people that if you just give it enough time, it will go away.
Anyway, when blaming me didn't work, they tried to blame Fi, and the whole thing had nothing to do with him. So that's how we got to there. We do see them ALL the time, as they live 10 blocks away, so that's why I'm trying to figure out the best way to handle it. We probably see them at least 4 or 5 times a week.
Breleigh & Mason
I'd say to give it some time as well. The biggest thing to me, in the situation you described, is scaring your DD and not being willing to apologize for his actions. Be rude to me, lie to me, let me down, whatever. I'll get over it at some point. But my DD? That kind of behaviour is not acceptable, and even if he's not willing to apologize for the initial "issue" he'd better be willing to accept and apologize for his actions that scared his grandbaby and explain to her why he did what he did (at her level at least, such as "Grandpa was upset about something and overreacted. I yelled/slammed the door/made the picture fall and that was the wrong way to handle the situation. I'm very sorry I scared you.").
I forgive a LOT of things, but I don't want that kind of behaviour around my child.
ETA: When my mom and I have a falling out, her MO is to just ignore me and any plans we've made until she's over it. Our plans always involve DD, so that's not cool. I flat out tell her that if she needs to be mad at me and avoid the situation until she's over it then that's fine, but she cannot disappoint DD and if she's going to do that then I cannot allow her to make plans with us. There's the underlying issue of "I will not allow you to let her down in the ways you let me down as a child", so this is effective with her. We've had frank conversations about how I will choose DD over her (or anybody else), and cut anybody out of her life that I think will harm her emotionally or physically. We're close, but obviously my mom and I have issues.