Yesterday was my D&E. 21 weeks and 4 days my sweet baby was with me. Thank you so much for everyone who replied to my previous post and prayed for me. It went very well. I was drugged but still awake for the entire thing. Their drugs didn't work too well on me, I was supposed to be completely out of it. I remember everything. But my doctor was really, really nice and I'm going to be sending my nurse flowers, she was wonderful. I asked her to come and hold my hand and she did.
I miss him so much already. I mean if I felt empty before I had the procedure, it's nothing to what it is now.
I had the most perfect little baby bump that I displayed so proudly, and now it's gone. I'm right back to my normal size. I've always been very thin so my bump was rather quick to show, and since my mother has been afraid for me to be alone since I got home yesterday, she was with me today after my BF went to work. I know she was trying to be comforting, but she said, "let me see your belly", so I showed her and she said, "wow! back to your skinny self already!" and I just wanted to die. I LOVED that little bump. I loved not fitting in my normal jeans. I would love to still have that. It brings me no comfort at all to be "back to normal". Nothing is normal right now. I feel like everything is normal and I hate that. I don't want to just forget that he was ever there.
At my last s/o I asked for the pictures even though I knew I wasn't going to have that beautiful little boy I saw on the screen. My mom and BF both asked if I was sure, and it made me angry because I don't want to just forget him when he isn't here. I'll never get to see him, I want to remember him somehow. I need that. And I haven't really looked at them since I'm still a mess, but I know I'm happy that I have them. My BF asked me to put them away so he doesn't have to look at them, and I know this is hard for him, too, he was so excited. But I asked where he suggest I put them (our apartment is very small) and he told me to put them in this drawer where he keeps all his old memories and pictures of old GF's. I literally said f*ck no. I'm not putting anything to do with our baby in that awful drawer. I'm not going to just put the pictures away and forget about him. And since we found out the baby wasn't going to make it, he has simply shut himself off from me. He used to rub my belly and tell him he loved him and 3 weeks ago when we found out he just stopped everything. I know the baby couldn't hear him, but it still upset me. I still would talk to him and tell him I love him. It never mattered to me. And he won't talk to me about it. He's so afraid to upset me, but I WANT him to talk to me about it, I want us to be able to grieve together. I don't want him to be the strong man now. It makes me feel like he doesn't care. I feel bad for getting mad but I'm such a mess it's ridiculous.
My sister came to see me today to make sure I'm ok, and she saw the pictures from the s/o and wanted to see them. She looked at the first picture and asked what it was, and I love seeing those pictures. Even today, so fresh after losing him it made me smile to see him. So when she asked what it was I explained that it was his face and his eyes and nose and hands underneath and she said, "he looks squished", and I completely lost it. The reason the baby wasn't going to make it was because he had no brain. It never developed. And it just killed me, I have never burst into tears so suddenly. I think he's beautiful. Yes the picture is odd looking, but he was my baby and I just love being able to see him.
I made it past the half way point. This wasn't supposed to happen.
I'm sorry for my long rant, but it's so fresh and my heart is broken into millions of pieces. I guess I just needed to vent. I'm so glad this board is here. All of you are so wonderful and supportive and I really need that right now. Thank you.