reeeallly long rant after D&E — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

reeeallly long rant after D&E

Yesterday was my D&E. 21 weeks and 4 days my sweet baby was with me. Thank you so much for everyone who replied to my previous post and prayed for me. It went very well. I was drugged but still awake for the entire thing. Their drugs didn't work too well on me, I was supposed to be completely out of it. I remember everything. But my doctor was really, really nice and I'm going to be sending my nurse flowers, she was wonderful. I asked her to come and hold my hand and she did.

I miss him so much already. I mean if I felt empty before I had the procedure, it's nothing to what it is now.

I had the most perfect little baby bump that I displayed so proudly, and now it's gone. I'm right back to my normal size. I've always been very thin so my bump was rather quick to show, and since my mother has been afraid for me to be alone since I got home yesterday, she was with me today after my BF went to work. I know she was trying to be comforting, but she said, "let me see your belly", so I showed her and she said, "wow! back to your skinny self already!" and I just wanted to die. I LOVED that little bump. I loved not fitting in my normal jeans. I would love to still have that. It brings me no comfort at all to be "back to normal". Nothing is normal right now. I feel like everything is normal and I hate that. I don't want to just forget that he was ever there.

At my last s/o I asked for the pictures even though I knew I wasn't going to have that beautiful little boy I saw on the screen. My mom and BF both asked if I was sure, and it made me angry because I don't want to just forget him when he isn't here. I'll never get to see him, I want to remember him somehow. I need that. And I haven't really looked at them since I'm still a mess, but I know I'm happy that I have them. My BF asked me to put them away so he doesn't have to look at them, and I know this is hard for him, too, he was so excited. But I asked where he suggest I put them (our apartment is very small) and he told me to put them in this drawer where he keeps all his old memories and pictures of old GF's. I literally said f*ck no. I'm not putting anything to do with our baby in that awful drawer. I'm not going to just put the pictures away and forget about him. And since we found out the baby wasn't going to make it, he has simply shut himself off from me. He used to rub my belly and tell him he loved him and 3 weeks ago when we found out he just stopped everything. I know the baby couldn't hear him, but it still upset me. I still would talk to him and tell him I love him. It never mattered to me. And he won't talk to me about it. He's so afraid to upset me, but I WANT him to talk to me about it, I want us to be able to grieve together. I don't want him to be the strong man now. It makes me feel like he doesn't care. I feel bad for getting mad but I'm such a mess it's ridiculous. 

My sister came to see me today to make sure I'm ok, and she saw the pictures from the s/o and wanted to see them. She looked at the first picture and asked what it was, and I love seeing those pictures. Even today, so fresh after losing him it made me smile to see him. So when she asked what it was I explained that it was his face and his eyes and nose and hands underneath and she said, "he looks squished", and I completely lost it. The reason the baby wasn't going to make it was because he had no brain. It never developed. And it just killed me, I have never burst into tears so suddenly. I think he's beautiful. Yes the picture is odd looking, but he was my baby and I just love being able to see him.

I made it past the half way point. This wasn't supposed to happen. 

I'm sorry for my long rant, but it's so fresh and my heart is broken into millions of pieces. I guess I just needed to vent. I'm so glad this board is here. All of you are so wonderful and supportive and I really need that right now. Thank you.


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Re: reeeallly long rant after D&E

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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • I am so sorry for you and your BF, My heart broke while reading your story. I asked for a sonogram pic too, even though there was no heartbeat. There is nothing wrong with that. I truly hope things get a little easier for you each day. I will be thinking of you (((hugs)))
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  • My heart is broken for you :(  I know exactly how you feel. I am on day 11 and I promise it does get better. I am still devastated and my heart will always be missing a piece, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel- no matter how far away it is. As far as the S/O pictures go, I think that you will always be glad that you have them. In time BF will appreciate them too. Even though we held our Emily,(19w2d) I still went back to my specialist the following week and asked for pictures from our last sono. I wanted to have as many things of hers as I could. I also understand the lost belly sadness. I had gained 14 with Emily and lost 10 in the last 11 days. I'm glad that my body is going back to normal, but watching the last physical reminder leave is bittersweet. My T&P are with you and feel free to PM me anytime.
  • I realized about a month later that my bump was completely gone and I cried for 2 days straight.  It's really hard now bc I look like I did in my 1st tri.  Boobs are huge and no bump, since the boobs haven't gone back to normal.

    I was in the same boat with my husband that you're in with your BF.  MH was already in counseling for some PTSD issues and he talked with the counselor about his feelings.  That really helped him talk to me about it.  It's hard for men to begin with to talk about feelings but for something as hurtful as this, it's going to take awhile.  It sucks bc you need him to talk to you, but it will come in due time.  A support group where he can meet other greiving dads may be helpful in a few weeks, but not right now bc everything is still pretty raw.

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