I was told to "Suck it up"

TiffanyA83 · October 2010

I was talking to a semi-close friend last night - the topic turned to our IF struggles and she brought up adoption. I stated that neither of us were really at that point yet, it is something we're considering, but we both have personal reservations. I explained that there are stages, and we haven't made it to the "I'm emotionally and psychologically okay with adoption" stage yet. I have no doubt we'll get there, but I'm not jumping into anything until I'm ready.

She says, "Girl, you need to suck it up then. There are kids out there who need you and their lives aren't getting any easier while you try to figure yours out."

I was / am floored. I'm not even sure what to think. Is she right? Is she crazy?

whispergrrl · October 2010

Wow. That's kinda insensitive of her to say that to you!

I agree that there are tons of kids out there that need loving forever-homes. But...you need to come to it on your own terms. You aren't going to do any adopted child any good if you adopt before you and your DH are ready - your "what if" feelings and such will get in the way, I would think.

You and your DH need to do things along the timeline you are comfy with. If that means moving on to adoption, great. If that means trying some other route first, great. It is easy for people to have opinions on things - especially if they aren't in your shoes. It seems so easy for someone to tell an infertile person to "just adopt"....but there are so many emotions tied to the decision (not to mention financial and lifestyle things tied to it too!).

Hang in there, hon. Don't let insensitive comments like this get to you. Do what you need to do to come to the solution that works for you and your husband. *hugs*

njohnson1972 · October 2010

Only you and your DH know what is right for you and your family.

Again, until someone is in our situation, they just don't get it. It just sucks that is was a good friend of yours.

(((hugs)))

jessican08 · October 2010

Holy s*&t...I would've hung up on her...I will NEVER understand when people say "just adopt"...you feel like turning it right back on them "well, why did you choose to have your own biological children instead of adoption?" Just because you are dealing with IF doesn't mean you say "oh, well, guess I'm infertile, let's go adopt". Getting to the point of being ready to adopt takes a LOT of consideration and thought, and for some people, it's just not right for them. I'm so sorry you had to hear that when all you wanted was a comforting word. ((HUGS)). You should send this to your friend:

https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

kthappy76 · October 2010

Wow, just wow. She is not right, you don't need to suck it up. Maybe someday, you'll have to mourn the chance to have bio kids of your own that you can carry and give birth to, but you don't have to do that now if you're not ready. She is nuts. Does she have kids? If so, I would ask her why she didn't adopt. It is not the responsibility of people with fertility issues to adopt all the unwanted children of the world, despite their sad plight. I'm sorry your "semi-close friend" is so insensitive to what you are going through.

Yellow_Daisy · October 2010

whispergrrl:

Wow. That's kinda insensitive of her to say that to you!

I agree that there are tons of kids out there that need loving forever-homes. But...you need to come to it on your own terms. You aren't going to do any adopted child any good if you adopt before you and your DH are ready - your "what if" feelings and such will get in the way, I would think.

You and your DH need to do things along the timeline you are comfy with. If that means moving on to adoption, great. If that means trying some other route first, great. It is easy for people to have opinions on things - especially if they aren't in your shoes. It seems so easy for someone to tell an infertile person to "just adopt"....but there are so many emotions tied to the decision (not to mention financial and lifestyle things tied to it too!).

Hang in there, hon. Don't let insensitive comments like this get to you. Do what you need to do to come to the solution that works for you and your husband. *hugs*

I compeletely agree with everything Whispergrrl said.

Wow your friend was being really rude and inconsiderate. Let me guess she has kids? I swear it is always my friends with 2-3 kids that are like just adopt and yet none of them adopted.

abbe19 · October 2010

That was extremely insensitive. I would have been extremely hurt if a close friend said something like that to me. (((hugs)))

gidge · October 2010

She may be right (about the waiting children part) but is she adopting? Is she getting over it and not pursuing pregnancy/biological children? If not, then she really has no room to talk.

I am pretty sure that DH and I will probably adopt at some point, we're just not quite ready to take that step yet. I still don't think anyone who isn't looking into it has the right to suggest that it's something you need to do.

I didn't give my mom to much trouble because my younger sister is adopted, but I don't think I would be able to take a comment like that from someone who isn't pursuing adoption for themself.

TiffanyA83 · October 2010

Thanks ladies! I needed to be reassured that where I'm at in my IF journey is okay.

Kthappy76 & Yellow_Daisy -- of course she has kids, 3 of them.

aj0915 · October 2010

wow!!! that was a really insensitive thing to say! it amazes me how some people think "oh, you can't have kids? just adopt!!" some people just don't and probably never will get it, unless they are going through something like this. and it's comments like those that just make it more difficult to deal with. sorry you had to deal with that

damabo80 · October 2010

I think that the people who have spent years on an adoption wait list wouldn't say it's "so easy to adopt".

Seriously, do these people think that adoption is as easy as going to the local quick-e-mart and picking up a new baby?!?

The reason we're doing the ART is because it's cheaper and easier than adopting at this point.

The ignorance of people is just seriously amazing.

DeputiesWife · October 2010

wow - i am so sorry that she said that.

::hugs::

MinM · October 2010

I don't think people understand that there are stages to all of this. When I first found out about our MFI, I told my best friend (one of the few people who knows). He immediately brought up IVF and adoption. I hadn't, and to be honest, haven't even really wrapped my head around our current situation, let alone all of those next steps.

I'm sorry this person was so insensitive. You DO NOT need to suck it up. You are allowed to move at your own pace and make your own decisions for her life. If she feels so strongly about it, she can adopt 100 babies her own damn self.

ashlyrose · October 2010

((hugs)) Tiff! People will never understand until they walk in the shoes of others. I'm sorry that you are going through this with a friend, they just don't consider your feelings & of course she has 3 kids to herself & they probably "bother her" too! I'll email ya soon!

Sunshine05 · October 2010

I'm sorry she said that to you, that is ridiculously insensitive! I don't know how you managed to not hang up on her! And of course she has kids. Ask her why her and her DH haven't adopted yet? Why did they have bio kids at all?! Stories like that get me so pissed off. Why should it automatically be the IF couples' "burden" (I can't think of another word, don't mean this in a negative way) to adopt all the children of the world... take it upon yourself before doling out such helpful "advice." UGH!

MeganRealEstate · October 2010

It makes no sense to bring a child who needs extra emotional support into your home, when you are still needing emotional support dealing with IF. You have the right mind frame. You didn't decide to try for a baby without figuring out that is what you wanted, and you can't decide you want to adopt until you have figured out what you want. Best of luck during this journey and best of luck while your sort out your very normal feelings.

Stuckinthemiddle · October 2010

I read the subject line of your post and immediately thought to myself "THROAT PUNCH!" Then I read your post, and it re-affirmed myopinion that people who have never dealt with IF are completely clueless. ((HUGS))

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