Money
bebe11
member
Hello...
So my h's exwife (bm to ss 12 yrs old), has recently asked for CS. In 2007 they made a verbal (no CO, at all) agreement that DH doesn't have to give her CS anymore. It was based on 50/50 custody and a huge equity pay out that she has since spent. Well, now she apparently is broke and told my DH that she gets bread and rice from church...etc. She is great for trying to get people to feel sorry for her.
Anyway, since it was a verbal agreement, there is nothing he can do, but start giving her money. The amount she is asking for really isn't a lot ($300), but my only concern is that my DH just can't afford it. He pays his ex gf CO childsupport and it is A LOT, so every month he runs out of money and pulls $ out of his savings account. I give him more than I already should to go for paying the mortgage and utilities, and I buy groceries and I just feel mean for telling him that I refuse to give any more $ to go towards things, beause really it indirectly will be going in her pocket.
I guess I am just not sure what to do. The bulk of his money goes towards the mortgage on the house, and it so high because of the re-fi he did to pay her out. The circumstances behind that are odd too. They waited 5 years after they split to pay out equity and it was when the market was at it's highest, so now he is 100K plus neg equity in the house.
I don't even know why I am writing this, I guess to get reassurance that it is ok that I don't give him more $ to pay his exwife CS?
Re: Money
I don't think I understand 'give him more money to pay her'. My husband and I are married. We both work, we both put money into our bank act, we pay our bills and buy what we need/want. He pays bm from this act, and I'm sure if you sat and broke it down maybe some of my money end up w her bc of pay periods... But its our money. I make more than him sometimes and he makes more than me sometimes (he owns his own business). Do you really split your bills 50/50?
ETA: I didn't actually put my point.. lol. My point was that my husband and I are a team. I married him knowing full well that he had a child that he had to pay child support for. If I lost my job, DH wouldn't be buying things and saying 'oh I don't know if I should give you more money so you can buy your face wash'. And if his business went under I wouldn't be asking him how he planned on coming up with his half of the mortgage. Your a team. That's my point. I just find your question really odd, and I can't realte in the slightest.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
You're married and you're questioning whether or not to give him your money to pay child support? I'm not even sure where to start with this.
If the child support for SS is not CO and never has been then she needs to get it CO, however this may mean back support, depending on your state laws on CS. However if it has never been CO anything he gives her now is considered a gift not CS, if it was originally CO a verbal agreement between the 2 of them means absolutely nothing, because she can deny this. Always go for written agreements signed and notarized by both parties.
What I am really trying to figure out is why is it your money and his money and not our money? Sorry but these scenarios make the married couple sound more like roommates than a married couple.
You married a man with kids, you went into this marriage knowing this, and this has become partly your responsibility, IMO. I mean its not just about you, its about you and him and these children that are involved. If the situation doesn't get dealt with properly it may cause a whole mess of problems for the kids, your h and you.
All of this. The only reason I had to work before Drew was born - and will need to go back after Adie is born - is to help "make up for" the CS that DH pays. I mean... this child is now YOUR child too. Why wouldn't you want to help provide?
Get a CO, and figure it out.?
It is stressful. Get a CO. The CS he currently pays will be considered. You are married and a team. Put your money together and start working toward making it better. It sounds like his divorce was the biggest financial hit (I understand) but it will get better with time.
Get a CO. Budget toward your financial goals. Change your thinking to a family unit instead of his and mine. This will make marriage much easier. Things will get better and the costs from the divorce (refi) will be a distant memory one day.
I totally agree with IE. This is a mess, honestly if I were you I would be leaning more towards a permanent seperation of funds.
Also agree and FWIW, I also have my $$ separate from my DH. WE each have a separate account and 1 joint account that I pay the rent with. We each pay our own bills and things are separate. I was completely financially devistated after my divorce and I can't intermingle money without huge panic attacks. My H recogizes this and this was how his parents worked their money and they have been married for over 40 years.
I have not seen the OPers previous posts so my answer was only on the current post. But I think a H and a W need to be a team and it is important for marriage. If you mix your money or not you should be on the same financial goals for the family. My H isn't my roommate he is my partner. The BF only makes it more important that we are a team.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
I will never fully merge our funds, there is no way that will ever happen. I married my husband, not his ex's and their financial issues. I buy my ss kids clothes and whatever else they need, but I flat out refuse to fork over my hard earned money to provide for them at their mother's homes. To some it might sound harsh... but I also have two of my own kids to worry about and one is in college and as of right now his bf doesn't help with any of the costs associated with that, so all around it is easier and better to keep finances seperate.
You can be a team without mixing money. Money is one of the highest factors for divorce and I think a couple needs to do what works best for them. In my case if I would feel like my money that I earn is going towards his ex's household, that doesn't work for me, and vise verse.. so we wouldn't be much of a team if we fought about money (which we don't).
The post wasn't really about merging finances, it was more so if I should contribute more $ towards the household to free up money with my husband so he can pay his ex wife childsupport, so I didn't feel the two things were directly related, which is why I didn't get into all of that in this post.
I went and read your previous posts, and I think you just need to decide if you're in or out.
If you're in, then I think you should contribute whatever money it takes. If he owes her support, he owes her support. And if she's living on church handouts, she (and the kid) need the money. So if he redirects income towards her and less to put in household expenses, and you don't pick up the difference... don't all of you lose?
If you're out, then start separating things.
But I don't think you can be IN the relationship and put in anything less than 100%--whether that's emotional, financial, or physical support.
And given what you've posted, I would be out the door. You're already in counseling and then the betrayal. He acts like a man that doesn't know his own mind...