- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Austin Babies
30 Days of Truth: Day 3
Dear Bump: You suck.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 30 Days of Truth: Day 3
I know exactly what my answer is, but I need to muster up some courage to post it here...
Maybe others are in the same boat seeing as this has 30-some views and no replies..?
The O'Baby Blog
yep
(((hugs))) to you BeckO. And to everyone else thinking of something in their minds and wondering if they dare reveal it, much less think of forgiving themselves for it.
I'm sure I have a bunch, but right now I can't get mentally beyond this morning. I had to do daycare drop-off so that DH could get something taken care of with our car. There is a reason moms shouldn't do the drop-off. Especially pregnant, in-the-midst-of-weaning moms. DD's normal teacher wasn't in yet, and DD took one look at the stand-in teacher and buried her face in my neck. Yeah, my child isn't shy, so this didn't bode well for me. We unpacked her bag together. I treated her to some grapes as a special treat. She was fine as long as I was holding her, but the second I put her into the high chair so that she could eat while I left (which is a "sure fire" way to get her to NOT cry, according to DH), she lost her sh*t. Screaming, reaching, red face, crocodile tears awfulness. So loud, in fact, that the director came down to see what had happened and said, "She's never like this when her dad drops her off." Awesome. Lucky me. I made it back to my car before bursting into tears myself.
So, I have to forgive myself for walking away from my crying daughter. For leaving her with a stranger. For having to come to work. For feeling like I abandoned her.
This was also the first morning I didn't nurse her when she woke up. So I was already feeling guilty about that, too. I guess that's another thing I have to forgive myself for.
Today sucks.
Yep, this is me, but I know I'm not going to say it b/c it's something pretty private between me and my dad the day that he passed. I didn't do anything bad or anything, but it's not something I feel comfortable posting about. I've actually never told anyone about it, not even DH.
For not being patient with my mom. She loves me more than anything and often its suffocating and I lash out. I need to learn how to keep the healthy boundaries while still being nice.
Also, for not being able to post something that I love about myself the other day. I'll do it, still, but I can't believe it was so hard to think of one thing.
For being so hard on Jakob. We put him through so many changes and even though we thought we were doing the best for him, we made so many mistakes. We expected too much from him. I think the behavior problems with him all stem from that. I still have doubts about the adhd. I feel like we're cheating by putting that diagnosis on him. I feel like we created these problems, now its on us to fix it.
I need to forgive myself for not being more assertive after Ocho was born and the hospital treated us so horribly. I'm still mad at myself and resentful and should be moving on by now. I need to forgive myself for the weight gain and stupid debt we racked up. I've learned hard lessons from both and both are within my power to change.
This is a hard one for me. Not because I've got some crushing guilt about any one thing I did in my past, but because I tend to beat myself up over every. little. thing. I could probably write 25,000 words on mistakes I've made and people I've possibly wronged, including extremely silly stuff like cheating on a 5th grade test, to kissing someone other than my boyfriend at my high school prom, to saying something really stupid and a little mean to my grad school advisor. I'm not Catholic, but I seem to have the guilt.
But I think the one that's weighed most heavily recently is that I need to forgive myself for several of my relationships in my 20s. I was pretty fucked up and a combination of poor self esteem and a leave-them-before-they-can-leave-you mentality made those years tumultuous. With some guys, I was a complete headcase, desperate for their attention and willing to do anything to get more of it. With others, I'd use them to build myself esteem and then discard them when something else had caught my eye. In short, I didn't have any healthy relationships and wasn't a happy person and I really have only myself to blame for it.
Ugh.
It may not seem like much, but I've just told you guys something I've never told anyone before. So there you go....
This.
The Blog
I've had some pretty embarrassing drunk single moments that still make me cringe - like 8 years later. I want to crawl under a rock and die when I think about them.
For holding a grudge against my mom for nearly 4 years. She was an alcoholic and my dad had taken her to court for full custody which dragged on for almost a year. One night when I came home from youth group, she insisted on starting an argument with me. I was 13 at the time and I asked her to take me to my dad's. She said if I left, not to come back. A month later she decided to apologize and I was so hurt it took her so long that I held a grudge. For nearly two years, we didn't speak except for small talk at her family's gatherings. We would pass each other at school activities and not even acknowledge each other. Slowly we reconnected after a lot of advice from my dad and now we get along great. I was young and didn't really understand all she was going through and I wish we would have had that time together. I do believe it helped strengthen our relationship and I am so proud that she hasn't had a drink in almost 13 years. The custody battle was her wake-up call.
This 100% this is exactly what I was thinking and I couldn't put it into words. Some of my past DH has found out about and I am so embarassed and disappointed about it. I hated who I was in my early 20s, absolutely hated myself. I still hate that I was that way and still can't forgive myself.
This is definitely a hard one to answer..
I need to forgive a bad friend decision I made several years ago. I was in a very ugly place and put myself in front of everyone else and had no regard for others feelings. I lost a very close friendship, one that had been established for over 14 years, and I still struggle with it. Although I clearly know I was in the wrong for everything I did, I have to let it go. I've learned a very serious lesson about myself and really worked at changing those things about myself that got out of control the first time. So I need to work at forgiving myself now..
this...sometimes it can actually make me blush when i think about it so i try not to:(
**the nestie formerly known as karen2508**
I feel like this at times as well - but then I remind myself that I always have conversations with my good friends where it seems like we just spoke the other day. and the phone is a two-way street, your friends can make the effort, too.
my good friend and I have standing phone call "date" on sundays to catch up. sometimes it doesn't work out, but I'd say about 90% of the time we talk once a week. maybe you could start something like that.
Everyone keeps telling me to forgive myself for what happened with Teagan and his vaccinations. I don't want to forgive myself, I can't go there. I shouldn't be forgiven for trusting a doctor and a nurse more than my own intuition and instincts. I knew something was wrong deep in my gut that day and I chose to push that aside. He paid the price for that with months of pain and a laundry list of horrible things he had to go through. I'll never forgive myself for that.
I do feel like I need to forgive myself for letting a lot of people down, friends, clients, strangers, during the time he was sick to present. I hate letting people down, saying no or just not doing what people need/want/expect of me. I just can't let that go and I should. I keep telling myself that putting my family first is always a good answer but it's still really hard for me to let anyone down no matter what the reason is.
52 Choices For Better Health
This is tough too, not that I have anything super deep, I just can't think of something, oddly. I have a bad memory though, so perhaps that attributes to why I can't think of something I should forgive myself for?
I guess the fact that I was so horrible to so many pregnant women while we were in our miserable 5 years of TTTC. Maybe not overtly, but I certainly was in a bad place and I'd like to think I'll move past it some day and just forget that we had so many problems, that the way I was so mean to a friend of mine and to my own sister (she's forgiven me, now it's my turn to forgive myself) when they announced their pregnancies... It was an awful time. A supremely awful time that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I need to let that go and just realize that lots of people have bad moments. My bad moment just happened to last a long time. Oy.
I should have listened to the little voice in my head, telling me to look in the cooler and make sure we had the medicine. I was taking my Dad to one of his chemo treatments and when we got to the center, off Far West (sort of far from my parents' house), we opened the little cooler to find out the meds weren't even in there. He thought my Mom had handled that, but I KNEW I should have double-checked. He was so weak and tired and seeing the look on his face and his whole body deflate with sadness and disappointment... It was so painful. He was way too tired to go back home, get the meds and try again, even though I was doing all the driving, so I just took him home to sleep. To this day I'm not sure if he ever got his treatment that day.
I was also working two jobs at the time and only had a chance to take him to this one appointment and I even failed at that. My Dad and I were very close and I had a really hard time dealing with his cancer. Looking back, I think this is precisely why I chose to work so much at the time, so I could ignore what was really going on. I didn't really need the money from the second stupid job. So, there's another thing I should forgive myself for, but I still think that if it was happening today, I'd make excuses so I wouldn't have to deal with the reality.
I should have DEMANDED that they go to MD Anderson for a second opinion and treatment. I will always blame his doctor for his death. Even if it ended the same, if I knew that every thing that could be done was being done, it would make it easier to accept. His doctor sucked and I really think my Dad would still be here if not for that guy.
I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I'm still not there. Webmd says forgiving yourself = "-- you don't forget the mistake, but it doesn't cause any trouble and you don't lose the memory of it."
There's a lot of stuff I've effed up. I've been in so much therapy though that I don't hold on to much anymore. As in, I've tried to make peace with things that have bothered me, or moved forward.
I'll keep thinking about this, though.
This. Though honestly I'm not sure if I feel like I need to forgive myself for this particular thing. Probably part of the reason I'm going to visit a therapist tonight after work. Never been to a therapist before. Kinda nervous.
BFP 12.20.2010 :: missed m/c 1/2011 around 8 weeks
BFP @ 9dpo 5.24.2011 :: missed m/c 6/2011 around 7 weeks
positive for ANAs (1:40) with a speckled pattern
MTHFR c677t mutation (heterozygous)
*folic acid, baby asprin, Prometrium, acupuncture, Lovenox*
BFP @ 9dpo 2.1.2012 || HCG = 8 : Progesterone = 19.2
2nd HCG @ 11dpo = 40 || 3rd HCG @ 21dpo = over 5000!
Stick, little one, stick! EDD October 15, 2012
But yeah, cancer is a crappy thing and I'm sorry for your loss.
I would like to be able to forgive myself for not enjoying Reagan more in the months before her disorder started to take away everything she enjoyed. Shortly after she was born, our company needed me (and I thought it needed me more than she did) so I would work while she played and work while I nursed her and work when I should have been enjoying her. When she was 3 months old, I went back into the office and she played on my floor while I worked. And then a month later we hired a nanny to keep her in a room down the hall so I could work. The first 10 months of her life were the best months she had, and I feel like I missed them.
Sigh. I'm right there. I was careless with two different people's hearts and I have nothing but lame excuses for it--too scared to "commit" and lonely (oh the irony!) are the two that come to mind. To make it worse, they were both outstanding men who deserved more than what I gave. I need to work on letting that go and forgiving myself, but when I really think about it I feel sick.
Oh and my favorite quote re. forgiveness is this: "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could've been different."
There are a lot of 20s relationship things I need to forgive myself for--needy, clingy relationship with people I shouldn't have been with, uncalled for behavior, and horrible relationships with my family. I've been slowly working through those for the last 10 years.
However, lately, I feel like I need to forgive myself for getting a doctorate in music. I always thought I could do both--have a career and a family, but I should have taken a sharp look at reality instead of thinking that *I* would have been different. I feel like I should have used my intellect and time to pursue another degree path. I can't forgive myself that I missed the early part of my children's childhood and that my health is impossibly horrible because I have worked myself to the bone. And for what? I have never made more than $30K a year. Now I am entering my late 30s and I feel like my entire career has been a mistake. And I feel like I don't have the means to support our family. It's horribly depressing and I blame myself for being unrealistic.
I need to forgive myself for a lot of family issues too. I was not the nicest big sister growing up. My parents divorced when I was 12, and with my mom working so much to make ends meet, I needed to step into a kind of mommy role to my younger sister and brother. Many times I did not handle it well.
For my own health and well-being I've also felt the need to cut certain family members out of my life. Overall, I don't regret those decisions, but they've had some pretty bad side effects. For instance, when my grandpa, who I love dearly, passed away I hadn't seen him in years. I don't know if I'll ever be okay with that fact, but I can't change it so I need to let it go.
I have given this a lot of thought, and there are three things I must forgive myself for.
1) When I was seven my father remarried to my current step-mother, the wedding was a surprise (they went to the JP). My father does not have a single picture of me not crying...and they are not happy tears. It's been 22 years and I haven't forgiven myself until recently for being a child and not understanding divorce/remarriage.
2) The day my family made the decision to turn off the life support machines on my grandfather, I couldn't stand the thought of being in the room, so I called my boyfriend and asked him to come take me out. I was at the Alamo when my grandfather passed, surrounded by my entire family, except me.
3) I guess I'm not ready to forgive myself for number three. The night my brother took his life I started rambling about him for no reason and got sick to my stomach. I thought about calling him to make sure he was ok, but decided that was stupid. He died within the hour of my feeling like something was wrong. I wish I had at least called and heard his voice one last time, and gotten one final goodbye.
This is totally me. I agonize over everything I do and say and have varying amounts of anxiety because of it.
I also relate to this. Not exactly, as it wasn't about TTC, but wanting our lives to move on to the place we (he) thought it should be so we could get married. We were together just shy of seven years when he finally proposed, and I was so miserable for the last two that I had difficulty being happy for others as they got married and had babies and so forth. I just felt frustrated and powerless at the situation, like it wasn't what I had signed on for, and I know I made my husband feel horribly guilty as well. I was charming. He said he never thought about breaking up with me, until that last month or two before he proposed when I was a mess and a total b!tch about wanting to get engaged. I took all the fun out of it.
This may be a long post, so bear with me.
I'm not sure if I need to forgive myself for a specific action, however my sister's upcoming wedding has caused a LOT of repressed anger to surface in regards to my own wedding.
Long story short, my FIL became terminally ill in late 2006. DH and I were planning to be married in April 2007. In January of that year we found out that FIL pretty much had a matter of months left. I had worked very hard planning my wedding with my family, DH, our planners (who were my friends), etc. Anyway, months of planning, expectations, dreaming about what our day would be like were scrapped in exchange for a marathon pull-it-together 36 hour event We were married January 22, 2007 (three days after finding out FIL's prognosis.)
FIL died April 5, two weeks before our originally scheduled wedding.
Anyway, details aside, I have lived with this level of anger at FIL, DH, MIL, my family, basically everyone for almost three years. I feel GUILTY AS HELL for feeling that way. I feel like I should be happy that FIL was with us. I feel like I should be grateful for having so many people rally around us to see us get married. What I really feel is sadness and loss at what I didn't get to experience.
It sounds so selfish when I say it out loud or even when I admit my true feelings to myself. I find that since all of this, I absolutely hate weddings. I hate the spectacle of them. I hate hearing brides get worked up about inconsequential sh!t like flowers or their dress or how the caterer doesn't have the right kind of linens.
I was robbed of a beautiful, joyous occasion and on top of that, the opportunity to get to know a most wonderful and beautiful man. The people who married my husband's siblings had years with FIL before I ever became a part of the family. They knew him when he was well, when he was happy, when he could do things. I only knew him when he was sick and suffering.
I think I need to do two things: allow myself to mourn losing the opportunity (or never really having it) to know FIL and the wedding I dreamed of and to forgive myself for feeling angry. I think it may take a little while longer to let if all go, but this is a good first step.
(Now I really just need a hug because typing all of this out has made me
)
I could have written this post except that it was my mother-in-law and she passed away two weeks after our quickly pulled together wedding. I still can't make it through a wedding without feelings of regret, sadness and anger. Hugs to you!
(((hugs))) Wedding crap is hard to get past. It took me two years to get over feeling angry about my wedding and it had nothing to do with sickness or death.
:hugs: You do need to mourn the loss of your wedding, seriously. It will be easier now that you're hormonal as well. Just check out a bunch of cheesy chick-flicks about weddings (https://movies.about.com/library/weekly/aatpweddings.htm) and cry through them. If it makes you feel better, maybe you can start working on a vow renewal. Plan something super fun for you and your H where you can create a memory you will always love.