I am at witz end and I know its my fault...but please help!

LVbaby07 · October 2010

I still have to lay down with my 2.5 year old daughter for her to fall asleep and it usually lasts 30-40 minutes a nap or bedtime. She has always needed help going to sleep and I just never really did anything about it. I tried CIO and the ferber a couple of times when she was a baby but she would cry till she puked everytime. When she moved into her big girl bed, I was pregnant and tired and I just started laying with her. Needless to say, I now have a 9 month old also and I still lay with her. She fights me. The second I leave, she screams. She cries she is afraid and that she loves me and please dont leave. It is heartbreaking. She wont let my husband near her at bed time. It is becoming too much for me, especially with a 9 month old also. Plus, she really needs to be able to do this on her own for her own wellbeing. Does anyone have ANY suggestions? I am seriously afraid she will need her mommy to put her to sleep when she is 15. I know I created this and it is my fault, so please no flames..just suggestions.

BerriGirl · October 2010

Before I answer, let me ask - How do you handle other situations where she wants something you won't do/give to her?

Edit: Or, how do you get her to do something she doesn't want to do? (be specific...)

LVbaby07 · October 2010

I am actually very firm about not giving in when she wants something or wants to do something that she cant. I tell her she cant no have it or do it for whatever the reason and explain it to her. If it doesnt work, i try and divert her attention. If that doesnt work and she carries on, I ignore it and it usually works. However, that is usually with just normal stuff a kid cant or shouldnt do or get and she never cries out of fear, just out of stubborness.

There really isnt anything that she wont do that I tell her to do. She is usually pretty easy going with that. However....I am having a hard hard time potty training b/c she just wont do it. That also she tells me she is afraid, so I have laid off that for a while.

Smores730 · October 2010

You might want to try a gradual process where every night/every other night you lay further and further away from her until you're outside of the door. Maybe also go out together and pick out a special sleeping buddy. If you make it a big deal she might get excited about it. You could also do if you don't already a white noise machine. Sometimes silence can be scary for little ones. That's all I got. GL!

BerriGirl · October 2010

I think Smores ideas are good ones. It sounds like she is mature enough to reason with to some extent and she's not reacting out of true fear... I think she's probably learned that is a trigger for you and you can't say no it. The thought of leaving your baby alone while she's terrified is too much for any mom:(

So, yeah, I might start with explaining to her that your nine month old doesn't need to fall asleep with you (assuming you're not doing it with her, too!) because she has a special sleeping buddy (put a stuffed animal in her crib). Then make a big deal out of it - build it up over a period of a couple of days that the two of you are going to pick it out. Then gradually remove yourself from the bedrom like Smores said. You could also try telling her you're going to go do something and you'll be back in 2 minutes - leave the room for a bit and be sure and come back in. Try it again the next night, leaving for longer. Reinforce she has her sleeping buddy while you're gone. We did this with Jack and it worked. He now will remind me every night as I'm leaving his room to come check on him in 2 minutes (but he's asleep as soon as I leave).

FWIW, I don't think it's out of the question to let her cry a bit. I don't think she's truly afraid, and if she is, leaving her alone for small amounts of time won't hurt her. It will show her there's nothing to be afraid of and you're still there for her.

mrsmikey · October 2010

I would start by sitting in her room with her until she falls asleep instead of laying in the bed. That way you're still there for her, but with a little distance. I would do that for awhile until she can fall asleep pretty well on her own, and then start leaving before she falls asleep, but after she gets really drowsy. Just keep staying in there for less and less time until you don't need to sit in there at all. It might take some time, but I would rather do that than CIO. DS went through a phase where he cried at bedtime and this is what worked for us. We also did the trick where I'd say I was coming right back if he got upset when I left and most of the time he'd fall asleep before I even went back up there with no tears.

KMac2784 · October 2010

Smores730:

You might want to try a gradual process where every night/every other night you lay further and further away from her until you're outside of the door. Maybe also go out together and pick out a special sleeping buddy. If you make it a big deal she might get excited about it. You could also do if you don't already a white noise machine. Sometimes silence can be scary for little ones. That's all I got. GL!

She stole my idea!

VTbride05 · October 2010

What a tough situation. Sorry Mama! I dont have a lot of firm advice b/c it's not a situation that I have been in.. but my sister was and still has issues with her 9 year old going to bed and staying in bed. Try try try to stop it now. Lately DS has been stalling at bedtime "Mama, one minute, let's talk....." and I just tell him that he can share one more thing and that I need to XYZ (let dog out, do dishes, etc). Good luck to you!

momtoRaegan041008 · October 2010

I just want to tell you that we still sit next to our daughter's bed until she is asleep. I sometimes even walk with her. I couldn't let her CIO, tried and I just couldn't take the crying. We tried putting her back in bed after she would get up like super nanny does, but after 3 weeks and it taking longer and longer each night, we gave up. Someday she'll go to sleep on her own. I know she can do it, she does it every day at the babysitter's. She's only 2 1/2 and I see no harm. When she's 12 1/2 maybe we'll have a talk :-)

Sorry I have no advice.

sar17 · October 2010

in addition to the other suggestions... does she have a good night light? That helped ds from waking up in the dark and crying cause he was scared or couldn't see where he was.

lep712 · October 2010

I had this same problem with my DD when we transitioned her and it was a long process but I knew I had to wean her of it, just as you do. I did a combination of things.

1. Bought a sound machine that also displayed images on the ceiling. It was made by Homedics, but we leave the images on all night and that helps ease her fear.

2. Started by sitting in her room in a chair first until she fell asleep for about a week. THen the next week it was near the door, then the next week it was right outside the door, then the following it was outside with the door closed.

3. We also put one of those childproof locks on the inside of the door for naps so she couldn't escape and would stay in there because she would keep coming to find me.

Good luck! If it helps at all, my DD took about a month following that slow transition, but it didn't involve any crying and she sleeps really well now.

Echowysp · October 2010

We usually have to sit in ds' room to get him to sleep. That's a step up from having to lay with him (which I still do for naps on the days he's fighting it hard and I need him to sleep).

Dh noticed that the nights that ds is read a nice long story, like Tom Cat or one of the stories out of his Curious George book, he's more willing to roll over and go to sleep than on nights where we read him little board books. It's almost the effect of us being there while he's going to sleep.

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I am at witz end and I know its my fault...but please help!

Re: I am at witz end and I know its my fault...but please help!

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