Need some help from DH - vent (long)

mlc92404 · October 2010

I'm a SAHM so I am fine with doing the majority of things around here, especially since DH has a busy job that puts him gone at clients pretty much all day every day and then he has to spend the evenings after the boys go to bed catching up on emails and other work.

But between the two boys (and DH does help out with them) the house work, yard work (he could care less what the yard looks like and I want it to be decent looking), cooking, laundry and everything else that goes along with it I need a little help.

We have 2 dogs and this is where I'm really wanting the help. On top of everything else I usually do everything for them too. He will feed them if he thinks of it but who knows what time of day it will be, he NEVER thinks to fill their water, while I was pg I didnt want to put their flea and tick stuff on them (wasn't sure how strong it was so I figured it was best that I didnt touch the stuff) and asked DH at least a dozen times to do it (and I'm not even exaggerating) and he never did and now I'm pretty sure they have fleas. Our vet does have extended hours and I've asked DH to take them in because it would be so hard for me to do it with the two boys and he just kinda laughs like, yeah right, I dont have any time to do it. Our one dog needs his ears cleaned weekly at least....it should be daily and I dont see why DH couldn't keep up with this either.

The problem is, I could asked him to do all this stuff and, aside from the vet part that he doesnt think he can make time for, I'm sure he would agree to do it but I'd have to remind him and keep on him about all of it and if I have to do that I might as well do the stuff myself.

Overwild · October 2010

If asking him isn't helping, then I would do the things you prefer done and leave out the ones that are for him (his laundry, food and such).

You'll have more time and he'll have to find time to take care of himself.

mcdmaw · October 2010

This sound very frustrating. Hang in there!

I would encourage you to let DH know how much you appreciate what he does do (with the boys). Men value respect so if you let him know how much you appreciate all his hard work and the smaller (seemingly inconsequential) things he does, he is much more likely to take your requests to heart.

I would also say to "schedule" 15 minutes on one of his less busy nights to let him know how you are feeling-- overwhelmed, overworked, etc. Men do not do well with generalities so specific examples and feelings are best. He may be completely oblivious to what you day is like now or how you are feeling. Communication is key!!

ashmin · October 2010

I don't have any advice really, just that I feel your pain. I too do all the yard work plus house duties. I mowed the lawn pretty much all summer while pregnant (granted it's a riding mower, but still). My husband could care less what the yard or house looks like. I too have to ask/remind him so many times to do the things I've asked. Most the time it's not worth the effort of wasting my breath-I could have had it done in the same time. This is just our first LO, I can't imagine what it would be like having two. I have only asked him to do one thing housework-wise since we got home from the hospital and that was to load the dishes. That was Monday. Wednesday, after letting them sit for two days I did them and then had a little chat with DH. He promised to do better. I think this will always be a battle with our men. I guess it stems from the way they were raised, so raise your boys so that someday they will help out their wives without having to be asked 10,000 times.

Mortomo · October 2010

Please don't lump all men into this category. Mine does his fair share and sometimes even my share. He is very considerate,helpful and respectful of me and the house. He likes his house to look nice and takes pride in keeping it up. He also works full-time and puts in quite a bit of overtime, as do I.

Don't own a house and dogs if you can't keep them up. Also, don't do his chores for him. Let the dishes pile up and only wash what you need. Don't do his laundry or pick-up after him. Eventually he'll get tired of it and take care of it (hopefully). If you keep doing it for him he will always not do it because he knows you will get sick of it not getting done and do it yourself.

Tulipgal · October 2010

I agree, please dont lump all men in with the lazy excuses for humanity that you married. My husband would be mortified if I had to not only take care of the children, the house, the dogs and the yard but that I also felt it was justified because thats how men are.

Most men appreciate that they live in the home, make the babies and enjoy the dogs and therefore should participate in their care and upkeep.

mlc92404 · October 2010

Please note that I, the OP, did not say or imply that all men are this way. I dont believe that at all. My husband works very hard to allow us the life style that we have, that is why I dont have a problem with doing most everything. He would do his laundry but really, that isnt that much work. As for the dishes.....I guess that's partly my fault. If they sat there long enough he would do them but I would get tired of smelling them long before that. And food....we'd go broke if I didnt cook for all of us because he would just be eating out all the time.

I do thank him for little things and for allowing me to stay home. He knows I appreciate him. I just need to find a way to communicate better that I would like some help. I just dont want him to feel overwhelmed either.....

chellygirl · October 2010

mlc92404:

My husband works very hard to allow us the life style that we have, that is why I dont have a problem with doing most everything.

I'm sorry but you are contradicting yourself. If you are happy doing most everything - keep doing it and stop wasting our bloody time!!!

Tulipgal · October 2010

chellymom:
mlc92404:

My husband works very hard to allow us the life style that we have, that is why I dont have a problem with doing most everything.

I'm sorry but you are contradicting yourself. If you are happy doing most everything - keep doing it and stop wasting our bloody time!!!

Exactly, you are back-pedalling so quickly Im surprised your bike doesnt catch fire.

srs5624 · October 2010

mlc92404:

I do thank him for little things and for allowing me to stay home. He knows I appreciate him.

It's a two way street honey.

Does he thank you for doing the house work, yard work, raising your sons, taking care of the dogs, running errands, cooking, grocery shopping, etc?

Does he ever tell you that he appreciates you?

Mortomo · October 2010

mlc92404:

Please note that I, the OP, did not say or imply that all men are this way. I dont believe that at all. My husband works very hard to allow us the life style that we have, that is why I dont have a problem with doing most everything. He would do his laundry but really, that isnt that much work. As for the dishes.....I guess that's partly my fault. If they sat there long enough he would do them but I would get tired of smelling them long before that. And food....we'd go broke if I didnt cook for all of us because he would just be eating out all the time.

I do thank him for little things and for allowing me to stay home. He knows I appreciate him. I just need to find a way to communicate better that I would like some help. I just dont want him to feel overwhelmed either.....

Sorry, that comment was directed toward ashmin. She's the one that said it will always be a problem with our men and that it was the way they were raised. To me, that is lumping all men into that category.

EastCoastBride · October 2010

ashmin:
I think this will always be a battle with our men. I guess it stems from the way they were raised,

Yeah, another vote for don't lump all men into the same category as your DH.

mlc92404 · October 2010

My original post said I didnt mind doing most things (I never said I dont mind doing it all)....because I dont. I just want a little help....that was all.

No he does not thank me for specific things but he does say he appreciates me and what I do and that he knows he couldn't do what I do.

MrsMammay · October 2010

ashmin:
I don't have any advice really, just that I feel your pain. I too do all the yard work plus house duties. I mowed the lawn pretty much all summer while pregnant (granted it's a riding mower, but still). My husband could care less what the yard or house looks like. I too have to ask/remind him so many times to do the things I've asked. Most the time it's not worth the effort of wasting my breath-I could have had it done in the same time. This is just our first LO, I can't imagine what it would be like having two. I have only asked him to do one thing housework-wise since we got home from the hospital and that was to load the dishes. That was Monday. Wednesday, after letting them sit for two days I did them and then had a little chat with DH. He promised to do better. I think this will always be a battle with our men. I guess it stems from the way they were raised, so raise your boys so that someday they will help out their wives without having to be asked 10,000 times.

Sounds like you already have two kids.

Don't blame your MIL for your H being a lazy, selfish child- that's all on him, and don't assume the rest of us are married to men like him. I am a SAHM and my H is a totally involved dad and still helps with the house, especially the outside stuff. Having you mown the lawn during your pregnancy- total dovche.

ashmin · October 2010

I know I am late responding to this but did you read what I said? "Our men" meaning that OP and I seem to have similar DH's. Did I say "all men"? No. Good for you guys that your husbands are so awesome with housework, etc.

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