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Working Moms
SAH DH is driving me crazy
My DH stays home with our DS because he was laid off before DS came along and I make more money so it worked out that we didn't have to put DS in daycare and DH would just watch him at least for the first year.
My house used to be immaculate when I would come home and DH was haivng fun playing all day with DS but lately I think not physically leaving and going to work is making DH super lazy and it's making me insane. We already push the penny to the limit with only my income but we make it. He has been looking for jobs lately but NO ONE is hiring down here.
I really don't want this ruining our relationship but it is very unattractive to me to come home to a messy house, hungry baby, and feel exhausted the way I do. Everytime I bring it up he gets defensive and it turns into an argument and to tell you the truth, I'm too tired to argue.
Any advice?
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Re: SAH DH is driving me crazy
As I understand it, it's harder for men emotionally to be out of work, especially if they are expected to be "providers" for a family. Do you think maybe he's depressed?
Can you give him the permission to look for a job, and maybe you can find child care?
Also, is there a hobby he wants to do? Some sort of outlet?
Honestly, if I wanted to work and I was home everyday not entirely by choice, that would depress me...
My DH is also a SAHD. Although I'm extremely grateful that one of us can stay home, I really don't think he understands either. (He probably thinks I don't understand though too. : )
I feel like I come home, run to the gym, make supper, get the kids to bed and am exhausted after. I talked to him the other day about my frustrations with making supper and that I feel like I have to choose between making my family a meal and going to the gym. I want to be healthy, but I hate that rush when you get home. I asked him if a couple days during the week he could make a meal over nap time that I could put into the oven...he disagreed with that and basically told me he didn't have time. Well, when do I get "me" time...never, that's when. I get zero nap times to do what I want to do.
I sympathize with you. It's tough.
I'm in the same situation and FINALLY got to have "the talk" last night. We have come up with a compromise in that DH will do all of the cooking, I will help clean up after dinner and we will pick up the house TOGETHER of an evening. I talked to him about how much more stressful it is to come home to a messy house and feel the pressure to get it picked up. He stressed to me that he felt like I never made any time for "us" and he didn't feel necessary. I turned that right back around and told him "If I came home to a house that was picked up every day and dinner made, you bet your butt there would be more US time". He seemed to really think about it and I am hopeful that he will start changing his behavior. All I can tell you is to communicate, communicate, communicate. I try to keep my expectations in check and realize that our situation is a constant "work in progress". I also had DH go online and find some classes he has been really wanting to take for free thru our county. He goes to class every Tuesday night and it seems to help him.
Also, Could you put LO in daycare one to two days a week? This might give your DH some "me" time and some time to look for work, etc.. We are fortunate that our son still goes for a few hours each day and this time really helps DH to get stuff done AND keep up the job search.
Ok, I'm not sure if I'm "officially" supposed to post here. I'm a WAHM with really weird hours - well, I make my own b/c I own my own business, but that's neither here nor there. I put in a good 40+ hours a week, but I only have the girls in daycare for 10 hours a week and DS not at all. This makes me a WAHM and a SAHM, I guess. Anyway, I agree with most of the pp that said you need to sit down and talk with your DH about how you feel and everything that's going on. That said, older kids are harder than babies. With newborns, you're exhausted, but they sleep all the time and even are taking at least 2-3 naps through 9 months. As they get older, they require a lot more entertaining and attention. Also, does your DH do any classes/trips/whatever with your DS? Getting out of the house makes all the difference some days. Admittedly, I have three, but there are days when I'm excited when I get a shower in before 4pm or lunch before 3. Yesterday, the girls were at school, but I had a shoot. I didn't even have lunch until 3:30 and didn't realize until 4:30 (when I was getting ready for a meeting) that I hadn't showered yet that day because we were too busy. I didn't stop running around all day and wasn't home for most of that. I have a lot of days like that now that the girls are older and DS needs more attention/entertaining even when the girls aren't around. It just gets harder and you get less "free" time as the kids get older.
I will say that every second my kids are sleeping during the day (which is rare these days since the girls don't nap anymore), I'm working. My house currently looks like a tornado hit. I do cook dinner every night, because I love to cook, but DH does the dishes and has "night duty" - baths, books, bed, etc. - so I can work (from home) most nights. I definitely think you need to have a conversation with your DH about your concerns and what's bothering you. At the same time, you may have to adjust your expectations some to come to some sort of compromise that works for both of you.
Not criticizing or anything and hopefully you don't think I am. I'm just trying to show the other side of things. I have some friends whose husbands are great SAHDs, but I know they still do a lot more of the cooking and cleaning and such than most WOHD.
Agree with PP's but will add some own thoughts.
Does your DH/DS have a schedule? Do they go to playgroups?library story time etc? I agree that he may need to get out of the house.
Also, does DH have any hobbies that he could do? He could be depressed. My DH just went back to work after 5months (DD stayed in daycare to hold her spot) and it was really hard on him.
Also, taking care of a child is work. DD is exhausting on the weekends - super fun but super tiring and some days I can barely get to the bathroom so I think you need to look at his day/perspective too. It's hard for everyone. Maybe look to the SAHM board to see what they do/how they handle it.
It is possible that now that your son is mobile, it is just a lot more work to keep him safe, happy, and entertained, and your DH spends a lot more of his day just caring for the baby instead of cleaning.
Of course, he could just be lazy.
My DH is a SAHD. There's a few things I can think of, most of which has alreaady been mentioned. When kids get older, they *absolutely* take more of your time, and if he's also hunting for jobs (which can be a full time job in and of itself), he may just not have time to keep the house 'immaculate'. If he's in charge of the house, he's also probably argumentative when you bring it up because you are basically telling him how to do his job. Think about it from a flipped perspective...what would you think of a husband who came home to his wife and started off on how tired he was after a long day, and why isn't she keeping the house up to his standards? It can also be even more difficult for SAHD's, because it's hard to find resources akin to "mom's day out" (many won't allow dads), which many SAHM's utilize to get everything done in their day.
My advice, like the others, is to talk to him, but also to realize that you can't be the working parent and the one running the household. If he's the one running the house, you have to let him do it, and that may mean relaxing your standards a bit. If he isn't well intrigated into the parent community, like PP said, I'd encourage him to do so to get some support there.
I will chime in because DH is a "SAHD" on the weekends while I work....
It took me the better part of a year to realize that the house and chores are not going to be done to my standards with DH home. Ever. I am home Mon-Fri with the kids, and when I leave for work on Friday nights, the house is clean, the laundry is done and put away, all beds are clean (sheets and blankets) and made, and dinner is usually cooking for them when I walk out the door. When I come home on Saturday mornings, the living room is messy and there are usually breakfast dishes littered around the kitchen. When I get home on Sunday mornings, most of the house is trashed, there is laundry overflowing the hamper, and there are mysterious piles of papers scattered around. I used to fly in the house in a RAGE on Sundays, picking up everything, vacuuming while they went to church, wiping down counters, throwing in laundry....and I would leave nasty notes for DH about pulling his weight and that I am not the maid.
Where did it get me in the long run? Nowhere. I resented DH, he resented me and my constant badgering, and we both dreaded the weekends on Fridays. Not fun. We also spent the better part of our Sunday afternoons together griping at each other...."You're watching football/Nascar/movies while I am doing laundry? Nice!" (me) or "Sit down and relax, god, you are being so irritating with the dirty looks!" (him)
What finally worked? I had to relax my standards a bit and tell DH *exactly* what bothered me....the dishes in the sink, the toys all over the living room, and him not wiping down the kitchen table and countertops after meals. If he could do those three things, I would catch up on the laundry on Mondays and we would order takeout on Sundays to avoid either one of us having to cook and plan a meal for that night after a busy weekend. Did it solve everything? Not 100%, but it made life a little bit easier. I also gave him a honey-do list on the fridge of jobs that he LIKES to do, such as yardwork, sweeping the garage, organizing the pantry, or picking up lightbulbs at Home Depot, so that some things would get done without me harping...he usually picks a few things to handle on the weekends and crosses them off the list.
It has made things a little bit more tolerable, and we both get to do chores that we are good at, which alleviates some of the anger and stress. I still wish he would help out more when he is home, and I still get my Sunday-morning anger sometimes at what the house looks like, but if he is off to church with our kids, I cannot really beast on the guy too much. I simply ask for help on Sunday afternoons with the picking up, and we do it together....
Good luck, we all feel your pain....
Thanks girls. It helps to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. It also helps to learn that I may need to relax my standards a bit. I plan on talking to him and trying a few of your suggestions.
I'll let you know! Thanks!
If you don't mind him traveling and he doesn't mind working over nights Monday-Thursday, 8pm-6am ish, you might want to check out The Beam Team. They advertise on Craigslist all the time and that's where my DH finally found a job with. It's tough but it's a job. We're in FL, too so I completely understand!
My fiance is a SAHD due to me making more money and having health benefits through my job. It's been really hard and frustrating for me too, mainly because I am jealous that he gets to stay home with our daughter. We definitely have our issues related to cleaning, shopping, fixing things around the house, but leaving my daughter has been the hardest part.
At first he really didn't do anything during the day but take care of our LO (which i know was a big job yet when I was home I would take care of her and clean the house and cook dinner). I think he had to build his confidence in caring for her before he could feel confident to do other things around the house. After talking (sometimes yelling or arguing I have to admit) we have begun a better routine. He is helping with cooking dinner and has even packed my lunch a time or two. The problem is that he has always been messy while I have always been clean so leaving him in charge can sometimes be pointless. It's like he doesn't see the mess or dirt. Perpetual college dorm room
But it has gotten easier. I am still struggling with some sadness around leaving our daughter but I am definitely trusting him a lot more and have definitely seen him helping out a lot more. Now if only work would stabilize I might be able to handle things even better.
Good luck to all of you