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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
Fight - regrettable things said.
Phantomgirl
member
I had a big fight with SO this morning. Basically those who are around long enough will remember the trouble we had earlier on in the year with BM calling him every day, sometimes more than once or dropping into his office to say hello. And calling him when ever she felt like it, dinner time, while we were in bed etc.
Well SO and i talked as it was causing problems with us. He spoke to her and told her to limit her calls and to keep them SS related. Also they would discuss what needed to be discussed at pick-up/drop-off times - she was not happy about that.
For the last fews months things have been great. When SO calls he talks to SS instead of 20 mins of BM filling him in. When she calls SS she speaks to him and says goodbye as opposed to getting on the phone with SO and giving him a run down on how her day went and what her plans are and how her sick aunt is or god knows what else.
2 weeks ago we went on holidays and took SS with us - she called every day to talk to SS and SO about how SS was. Thats fine - i totally understand as it was our first time to take him away for a full week. But since we got back she has been on to SO everyday about something, yet nothing really - old habbits die hard i guess. It is irritating but i let it go as i thought it would pass. It is not passing and she text while we were in bed this morning to see if SO would drop a jacket belonging to SS over to her this wknd. SO replied and i got seriously p!ssed at him.
I got up and got in the shower - when i got out i was still annoyed and told SO it was really inappropriate to be texting her while we are in bed. He told me to 'cop on' (Irish saying for grow up) - big mistake. I lost it and told him i was not going to allow this sh!t to begin again - that if he was going back to the old ways then I would call her and tell her not to ring/text my house at that time again. I told him it was downright disrespectful and i will not be disrespected in my house. I told him it was starting again and that i was going to end up resenting her and again.
He said that i was over reacting as HE had worked so hard to get things to where they are - I asked him what he had worked hard at - he didn't answer. Then i asked him what was the point of the talk they had - he said to limit phone calls - so i asked him why reply to her like it is all ok - why not text her back later and tell her 7.15am is not an appropriate time to text him unless it is something important about SS.
This went back and forth for a while with us both yelling and then i told him - if that is your f**cking attitude then take that kid and stay in your mothers on wed nights because i am done with this situation. (I know - but i was so mad at him)
I got dressed and was about to leave the house - SO called me into the room, he was upset and he said he was sorry and if it was causing problems again then it would be stopped today. He apologised and said he should not be entertaining her calls again. I also apologised for what i had said. We talked and agreed that when there are boundies in place things are great. We did kiss and make up, but i feel like crap and also he is going away today for a golf weekend and wont be back till Sunday.
This is the first fight we have had in months and if i remember correctly the last one was about the vary same thing.
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Re: Fight - regrettable things said.
Really? Is a text that big of an issue? Ex and I have been known to text at weird times if we think of something related to DS that needs to be shared. It's not like you have to respond right away...
If, however, someone referred to my DS as "that kid" I'd dump him. JAT.
wow, that is a big fight. I am not sure what exactly to tell you. I have been in a similar situation with BM. When DH and I first got together I think she thought our relationship was nothing really. She would call DH all the time just to talk about her day or how her bf was annoying her, her doctors appts, etc. It REALLY annoyed me! It wasn't so much the time of day it was because it was about stupid sh!t that had nothing to do with SD.
DH would answer sometimes and not answer others. She would also "drop by" if she was "in the area", to let SD see him, which I think was another ploy on her part since DH saw SD every other week. Anyway, DH just stopped replying to her stupid texts. We talked about the fact that it bothered me and the reasons why we both thought she was doing it.
In our case BM thought that DH woud be her backup, so it was kind of a powerplay on her part that she could pull his strings in front of me (Which sounds like what your SO's ex is doing). When we got engaged she was PISSED! Now she calls, but generally talks about SD (she still tries to pull DH's strings) but also recognizes us as a unit.
My suggestion would be, as far as the texting and calling at inappropriate times he doesn't reply. It is okay to look at the text message but if it isn't urgent then reply at a more appropriate time. As far as calling, if it is that important she can leave a message. Again, when she does he can take the time to listen to it to make sure everything is okay with SS and if it is something random, he needs to call her back later. Just telling her wont set boundaries, he needs to be an example and not jump when she decides that she wants to talk to him. When she just shows up, instead of engaging in conversation he needs to keep it short and sweet and just tell her it isn't a good time, he will be happy to call her back when he isn't busy.
For your part it is a matter of staying calm. I know it can be frustrating and annoying. She will always be a part of your life as long as you are with SO as much as you wish she wouldn't be. You need to talk about things BEFORE you blow up, because those fights wont get you anywhere. HTH, GL!
GSD - your right. I'm really disappointed with myself for saying that. It was a horrible thing to say. Aimed at hurting SO no doubt - actually SS and I have a great relationship. Not sure that is what i said exactly but defo along those lines.
Not excusing it, but this is that big of an issue - you see BMs texts/calls are generally not about SS. Not sure if you remember my pps but they have never dated, SS was a one night bonus. Not long before i got together with SO, BM told him she had feelings for him and wanted them to be together. She was really pushing for it. She lost it for a while when she realised we were serious. It took a lot to get to where we have been the last few months. But it was working for all, and SS was happy. Now if SO lets this start again it is going to cause problems with us, effect SS, and BM is still not going to get what she wants.
And yes - your right he didn't need to reply to her straight away.
I guess the text itself would not annoy me. You don't have to respond that minute, and she probably sent the text when she "thought of" the jacket so she wouldn't forget later. Also the text is avoiding the longer conversations that she usually attempts to have. Instead it was a short one line asking for the one thing she needs.
Now her increase in phone calls overall and reverting back to her old ways would bother me. But I think the text should be looked at as an approvement, and maybe they can shift their communication to that form over simple things like a jacket.
Taagent this is exactly what we need, to the very letter..
My suggestion would be, as far as the texting and calling at inappropriate times he doesn't reply. It is okay to look at the text message but if it isn't urgent then reply at a more appropriate time. As far as calling, if it is that important she can leave a message. Again, when she does he can take the time to listen to it to make sure everything is okay with SS and if it is something random, he needs to call her back later. Just telling her wont set boundaries, he needs to be an example and not jump when she decides that she wants to talk to him. When she just shows up, instead of engaging in conversation he needs to keep it short and sweet and just tell her it isn't a good time, he will be happy to call her back when he isn't busy.
This is what we decided bafore and SO was doing it. But since the vacation things have been slipping back to the old ways. It caused so many problems before - i was just so furious that he was letting it all happen again.
I deeply regreat blowing up - but it was his attitude - telling me to grow up when i calmly stated i had an issue with it.
Can I give you a different spin here?
I think you should stop letting biomom rent space in your head for free. We do things in this world because we get some sort of award for it, either internally or externally. For her, she probably knew, with a smirk, that if she sent your husband a message at 7am you'd get pissed, and that was probably more than enough for her.
Also, could it have possibly been that she texted something as soon as she remembered it? I am famous for this. Hence, there are e mails and texts sent at crazy hours because that's when I know to do so.
I think you have to be careful here because you sound like somewhere inside this biomom really makes you feel threatened. Like if you don't limit the correspondence between the biomom and your husband you will lose him or something. I don't think you feel that way, but your posts could be construed that way. And then you look like the mean threatened one and she looks like the poor suffering biomom and I KNOW that is not the case. Let her text whatever. It isn't about you, and it isn't about your relationship. She wants to grasp at straws? Let her. It will speak more about her than it will about you.
The other alternative is to leave your cell phones elsewhere overnight. Charge them in a different room or something. Then, you don't have them around to pick up crazy early messages.
Good luck to you!