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Dragonfly_Bride
member
Long - What kinds of therapy are there? What type would I need?
Dragonfly_Bride
member
Ok, so this is sort of a CW, and of course, way longer than I wish it was... My life with MIL is not good. In fact, it is sometimes unbearable.She's fine most of the time, but then other times she has these anxiety attacks or panic attacks or maybe they're something different, but when she's in the throes of one I feel like I need to move out. And I have a hard time not escalating/instigating her more. Why can't I divorce her and keep my dh?
Recent example - SIL had surgery last week. I took surgery day off to watch my nephew ALL DAY for them. I purposely took him out & about so I wouldn't have to deal with mil. The next day I worked a full day, then stayed overnight at the hospital with SIL, then worked another full day. Came home and watched my nephew again. His parents were really concerned that he wouldn't go to sleep without one of them, like it was stressing them out so much, so I really wanted to a) help, b) prove that he would sleep if I/dh was with him. So, after a few hours of slight rambunctiousness, I took him next door to his home, and we layed on the couch and he was almost asleep. Then DING DONG DING DONG -it was MIL. Not only was nephew almost asleep, I was too. I asked her to come back later, and I told her I almost had her grandson asleep. She glared at me and said in a complete panic- No, I must be here when my daughter comes home from the hospital. I said, please, I almost have your grandson asleep, she won't be home for at least another 2 hours (I mean she lives next door, she could just stare out her window and see when the car pulled in). (She's not known for being able to control herself, so I was sure she would be a major distraction to nephew and me.) At this point I was so, so tired & I wasn't exactly Miss Smiley. Then she says: "I'm not here for HIM, I need to be here for my daughter! It will look bad if I'm not here!" Finally, she said she would come back in 45 minutes. Ok, fine, can you just knock lightly on the door? 7 minutes later DING DONG DING DONG. I was so pissed, but I let her in, and told her she was not to say anything or make any noise and I made her sit there in the dark silently staring at me and my nephew for 2 hours until midnight.
(One other time we told her a cousin overseas had asked for her phone # via Facebook and she started screaming and screaming and ran towards our car as we were leaving swearing and freaking out and waving her cane and forbidding us to have anything to do with her family. Argh.)
So, the moral is - we both could have handled everything better. She was like a crazy mean person when I was disagreeing with her. I was not a pleasant nice person when she wasn't bending to my request. So, I need help. I can't change her, but I change myself, but I think I need assistance. My marriage is going to suffer if we have conflict after conflict. She corners me whenever we're alone and gets so mad when I disagree with her, but I can't hold my tongue. She has a fragile ego, and according to SIL (who is a therapist), a narcissistic personality. I need some coping techniques.
So, do I just go to a regular counselor, do I go to a different type of therapist? I need peace, and right now I'm not getting it. Do I choose someone who has the same background as mil so they know what is culturally consistent, and what's just made-up BSC crap? My dh keeps saying therapy is so expensive, but you know what? So is a divorce.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Long - What kinds of therapy are there? What type would I need?
So sorry that you are going through this. I would suggest checking your insurance. Most insurances have behavioral health lines. Check the back of your card. Someone through the line should be able to assist you.
They may recommend a Cognitive Behavioral therapist. I'm not an authority, just starting out in the field myself. CBT will able to arm you with the tools you'll need to modify behaviors to adapt to stressful situations with MIL. As you suggested, finding a professional who understands MIL's cultural background would be a good idea as well.
Also, it may even be a good idea for the entire family to get on board. It would be very difficult for you to get through this if you are the only one receiving assistance. You are obviously not the only one being affected by her illness. As she ages it can become difficult and it would be a good idea if you can all work together and were on the same page.
Big hugs M!
Oh, M. I hate you have to deal with this, I've always said you're a saint for even thinking about living with your MIL. I have zero helpful advice on the topic so I won't even go there since my opinion would be far from helpful. As far as therapy, I have no clue - I have seen a therapist that specialized in anxiety issues that I felt was a huge help in dealing with my OCD issues and, at that time, infertility...and one that specialized in grief after my miscarriage. But both were really general therapists, to be honest. I think the most important thing is how you click with your therapist. If you don't feel comfortable, switch. That's my only advice. You have to feel free to be yourself.
Absolutely agree with this, I was just coming back to say that exactly.
I don't have any counseling advices, but I think it'd be better if the counselor or therapist has or understands your MIL's cultural background. There are so many cultural values or beliefs that can be the source of such conflicts.
My mom is the same way as your MIL. She's a very difficult personality to deal with, and our age and cultural differences aren't helping. She lived a few years with my brother and his wife, who almost divorced (not because they didn't love each other anymore, but because the living conditions became unbearable).
Easier said than done, but hang in there, M.