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Pythia1022
member
Legal way to shut out father...?
Pythia1022
member
It's still super early in my situation, but every day seems to get worse with my ex/baby's father. Among other things, he's threatened to kidnap LO once it's born, and today, his little gem was "You're lucky I don't slap you. That's what I grew up around, you never know when I might start." I am at the end of my rope with this man. We ended things before I knew I was pregnant. He's never been violent with me before, but the things he says lately have me on my toes. I hadn't planned on shutting him out of the baby's life completely, but I'm starting to wonder if that would be the best thing to do. The last thing I need is for that DB to actually follow through with a kidnapping.
Did anyone here go through anything similar? Is there a legal way to keep him away from the baby and/or me without having a restraining order? Apparently in FL, there has to be some sort of evidence (voicemail, text message, witness, etc) or something must happen (ie, the proposed "kidnapping" he brought up) before a TRO or a restraining order is issued. I'd rather take care of this BEFORE he decides to follow through with any of these threats. I really don't want to have to deal with all this crap but I really don't want him having visitation rights, much less any sort of custody, and I'm willing to give up CS in exchange for him to leave baby alone.
Advice??
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Re: Legal way to shut out father...?
It will all depend on what your state's regulations are regarding the issue.
I know here in PA it is basically impossible to keep a father out of a child's life. I DO have a text message from my XH telling me that he hopes I would die, but that doesn't make any sort of difference.
My only advice: Get a lawyer. Do everything by the books. Keep any evidence.
Good luck!
First let me say I'm sorry to hear you are going through this and secondly you need to start recording everything. If he comes by, get one of the nanny cams, when he call record it, keep a hand written journal, and please get the restraining order now! It provides a time line and adds validity to all your future claims if you want to request supervised visits from the court and so fourth. FYI - you would still get your CS if you go through it the official/legal way.
Just another female's opinion, stay safe, and good luck.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
My ex did similar things...threatening to take the baby, get custody, move away, take him to friggin Guatemala...all if I didn't just listen to him and get an abortion. I know how scary it is.
Here's what I suggest: Stop talking to him completely. There is absolutely no reason for you to deal with that. Update him on the pregnancy only if he asks. Tell him everything will be done through the court, and do everything by the book.
Don't put him on the Birth Certificate....make him actually seek custody and take a paternity test. This will all be left up to him, so he will actually have to really want to put in effort to be involved (in my case, my baby's father hasn't decided to do this yet).
IF (and that's a big 'if') he decides to make the legal move, immediately file for CS. If he's going to decide to be a father, make sure he's fully accountable.
I wish I could tell you what to do. Even if your ex doesn't pursue custody right away, you have to worry about it every day for the next 18 years...men get the option to show up five or ten years later, after they've gotten a house, a wife, a good job, and decide that they're ready to be a dad now. It's scary that this is the life that we have created for our babies...and it's such an emotional, multi-layered issue because it affects so many people. But you're strong, and you can do anything for your child.
I hope something here is helpful to you. Keep us updated.
How were you communicating with him when he threatend to kidnap the baby and slap you? If you were talking to him on the phone, stop! If he wants to communicate with you, make it be through a text message or email. That way you'll have proof of his threats and I would think statements such as those would be enough to get a restraining order. I'm not quite sure why you say you wouldn't want one against him if that's how he's going to act. And it would only help your case in the future if he tries to get visitation with LO.
As far as keeping him out of your life, if you don't put his name on the birth certificate, he will have no rights to the baby. I don't know about your state, but in mine, even if you file for child support it still wouldn't give him any rights to the baby. He has to take you to court for that and they're two separate issues.
If you don't want him involved at all then just don't respond to him. Don't answer his calls, don't respond to text messages or emails. If he continues to threaten you, tell him to stop contacting you. If he doesn't, get a restraining order. If you don't want to step foot in court for fear that he'll get visitation, then don't. You're in control and can call all of the shots until he does something about it.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm going through something very similar right now. My ex/BD is being emotionally abusive and making threats. Unfortunately a lot of it was over the phone. He is only now allowed to contact me through email. I'll be meeting with a lawyer soon to learn my options. But I agree, I would willingly give up CS if that meant he would be out of our lives for good.
Stop communicating with him, if he does send a text or email threatening you save it and the use it as evidence for a restraining order. I had to do that once. I had a friend of mine go bat sh!t crazy on me and threatened to break my fingers, kick my butt, and burn my stuff all because she wouldn't give me back my favorite outfit.
Anyways, when it comes to the actual birth tell the hospital that you do not want him in to see the baby. If you tell the hospital that you don't want him near you or the baby then they have to comply. Afterwards, do not put him on the birth certificate. If he isn't on the birth certificate he gets no rights to the child. Also, if tries to kidnap your kid it's a felony and not just a dad trying to see his kid. If he's on the birth certificate and he does take the kid then you have to go to court to try to regain custody, if he isn't on the birth certificate then he goes to jail.
Now, if he does want to be apart of your childs life then he will have to file through the courts. Most of the time if he is a true dead beat then they wouldn't even bother. However, this is your best option.
Thank you ALL for the advice! And thank you especially for the tip about the birth certificate. I also like the idea of the nannycam to record the phone calls because this is how we've primarily been communicating; I'll put him on speaker. I'll let you know what happens!
I started sending my exes phone calls straight to VM and now have a very nice colection of "Im gonna kick your ass, your a piece of $hit mother" messages that will be very helpful in custody next month, and I only talk to him on Google Chat because the chats are completely recorded and I've got a whole bunch of gems in there too.
Keep the evidence, dont believe a word of anything, and keep your head on straight. I made the mistake of attempting another try at a relationship with my ex, an emotional abuser, and I regret every second of it, because he was never serious. We are separated by 900+ miles, and Ive never been happier.
Mommy and Daddy's Lil Angel 10/28/2011 5 Weeks
BD lives in FL and is a cop (ha!) I live in IN. BD never signed birth cert so he has no rights (or visitation) I filed for CS when LO was 1 wk. The courts are so backed up (and it takes even longer when it is inter state) that it has been over a year and I STILL havent seen any paper work. however IN law says that CS accrues from the date I filed. and BD hasnt even tried to come to IN to see his DD.
As for communication. I had to block his phone number. he was verbally abusive and way too innapropriate. I gave him my email address and I KEPT HARD COPIES of EVERYTHING as well as cc his new wife (yeah i know, nice) on everything. Raising a baby alone is hard enough. you do not need anything else making it more difficult.
Work smarter, not harder. GL,