Do you ever feel like....

Ellermarie · October 2010

you are letting people down by not being able to get pregnant (or staying pregnant)? Obviously my sadness comes from 1 year of trying with nothing but two losses, but I also keep thinking I am letting my husband down by not providing him a child and letting our parents down by not giving them grandchildren. Sorry for the debbie downer post but I am wondering who else feels the same and how they deal with it. One issue might be that we have never told our parents about our losses. Maybe if I opened up about it would help.

lovesdogs13 · October 2010

I'm sorry for your losses. I know what you mean...all 4 of my siblings have given my parents grandbabies except us. And we're here for you if you need any support or just to vent. Hoping we both get some good news soon!

ScubaJenn23 · October 2010

Oh yes, you are not alone! Unfornately I have no great ways of dealing this. I just tell myself WHEN we have children they will be love them even more because they are that much more special. Hope this helps.

Izabella22 · October 2010

I know what you mean. My husband is very much the "Can't give up" frame of mind and I just can't even bring myself to feel any hope right now. 2 losses in 6 months, it just feels like I've failed, my body is failing me, and although I keep talking myself out of it, it just seems like maybe this is a sign I am just not meant to have a baby. I know that is probably ridiculous but I get that warpy feeling that loss seems to bring. I'm sorry you are going through this, sorry that any of us have to. *HUGS*

mypeanut12 · October 2010

You took the words right out of my mouth! I was just telling my mom that this past weekend. She got very upset at me for saying this because she said that I was not letting her down in any way! My mom said that seeing me in this situation broke her heart because she knows that I would be such a great mother and I have wanted a baby so badly.

damabo80 · October 2010

Yeah, I know what you are saying. Hugs.

All of our IF issues are with me (DH is perfectly fertile). I can't help thinking that he would have children by now if it wasn't for me. It breaks my heart.

Ellermarie · October 2010

Izabella22:
I know what you mean. My husband is very much the "Can't give up" frame of mind and I just can't even bring myself to feel any hope right now. 2 losses in 6 months, it just feels like I've failed, my body is failing me, and although I keep talking myself out of it, it just seems like maybe this is a sign I am just not meant to have a baby. I know that is probably ridiculous but I get that warpy feeling that loss seems to bring. I'm sorry you are going through this, sorry that any of us have to. *HUGS*

This is exactly what is happening with us. I appreciate his positive attitude but I just don't think he understands. While I feel guilty of not providing him a child, part of me gets angry at him because I don't feel like he truly understands how hard this is and how TTC consumes almost all of my thoughts. If AF shows, I finally asked him to go get tested. I really think the constant blaming of myself is what is making this process so much more difficult and maybe it isn't just me. I am sorry you are going through this too.

ravenorchid · October 2010

I understand what you mean. I felt this acutely right after our loss. That I'd let everyone down - DH, my parents, his parents. But I know it's not my fault and it's not your either. I know it's hard, but try not to blame yourself. Maybe opening up to your parents about your losses would help. I'm so sorry for everything you've had to go through. ((Hugs))

BlakeG · October 2010

I'm sorry you are feeling like this but I can understand it. My family does know about my loss but I still feel like I am letting everyone down (including myself) and that I'm a failure in some womanly way. It just sucks. Big hugs.

itsmegin · October 2010

Um yes, 100% feel like a failure. Not so much with DH, but my mom wants nothing more in the world than grandkids, and with her cancer diagnosis right around my BFP I was so thrilled that I could finally give her one before she died. When we lost it, on top of feeling sad, I felt incredibly guilty. The loss set us back 6 months (3 of being pregnant, 3 of TTA) and I just feel like we're running out of time and I really regret waiting this long.

DH and I have been married for almost 5 years and I am kicking myself for not trying sooner. I mean, she was given 10 years or so to live, but even 10 years makes me sad and I think my kids won't know her that well. Three of my grandparents all lived until I was a teenager, and my one grandma is still alive and well, I hate to think my kids won't know my mom for long, or at all. My ILs have 2 grandkids but they live far away so they are also desperate for a grandchild they can know and be around.

My advice would be to talking to your DH. I am sure he doesn't feel the way you do and talking to him would help alleviate your guilt. And I would definitely talk to your parents. I don't know if it will help with feeling like you are letting them down, but I can't imagine not having my parents to lean on through this. It will help you if you don't have to hide your sadness and can be real around them, I think.

Ellermarie · October 2010

itsmegin:

Um yes, 100% feel like a failure. Not so much with DH, but my mom wants nothing more in the world than grandkids, and with her cancer diagnosis right around my BFP I was so thrilled that I could finally give her one before she died. When we lost it, on top of feeling sad, I felt incredibly guilty. The loss set us back 6 months (3 of being pregnant, 3 of TTA) and I just feel like we're running out of time and I really regret waiting this long.

DH and I have been married for almost 5 years and I am kicking myself for not trying sooner. I mean, she was given 10 years or so to live, but even 10 years makes me sad and I think my kids won't know her that well. Three of my grandparents all lived until I was a teenager, and my one grandma is still alive and well, I hate to think my kids won't know my mom for long, or at all. My ILs have 2 grandkids but they live far away so they are also desperate for a grandchild they can know and be around.

My advice would be to talking to your DH. I am sure he doesn't feel the way you do and talking to him would help alleviate your guilt. And I would definitely talk to your parents. I don't know if it will help with feeling like you are letting them down, but I can't imagine not having my parents to lean on through this. It will help you if you don't have to hide your sadness and can be real around them, I think.

I wanted to say that I am so sorry about your mom. I have read some of your posts regarding her situation back when I was lurking more. Hope you get that BFP soon so you can celebrate with your mother.

camdenfaithful · October 2010

Ellermarie:

This is exactly what is happening with us. I appreciate his positive attitude but I just don't think he understands. While I feel guilty of not providing him a child, part of me gets angry at him because I don't feel like he truly understands how hard this is and how TTC consumes almost all of my thoughts. If AF shows, I finally asked him to go get tested. I really think the constant blaming of myself is what is making this process so much more difficult and maybe it isn't just me. I am sorry you are going through this too.

I could have written this myself. I'm having such an off/sad/down day and that thought has crossed my mind more than once or twice.

((HUGS)) it totally sucks.

ColleenS629 · October 2010

Yes, I feel that way. I feel like I am disappointing DH every month that I have to tell him it's another BFN.

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