Are the women in your life trying to take over?

missys953 · October 2010

I'm pregnant with my first baby and maybe one day I'll understand all this but right now it's getting exhausted. Am I the only one with a mother/mother in law that thinks my pregnancy is all about them? My mom is upset because she thinks she should be in the delivery room from beginning to end. Although I'm ok with that my husband is not. After much debate we've compromised on my mom being in the room for the labor but leaving for the birth so it's just my husband and I. Somehow this has "disappointed" her and rather than talk about it she said it's better not to say anything because you can't take it back later. I give her points for this because normally she just lets it fly so the fact that she is controlling what comes out of her mouth is a huge step for her. She did however have to sign off IM to prevent herself from saying anything. This is not the first time she has caused conflict between my husband and I. Don't even get me started on my 30th birthday last year, lol. I just wish she could respect that my husband comes first and that she will be the only family in the room (everyone else lives in another city) at all and to be happy with that. I also have his mother who thinks she is going to arrive at the house to see the baby as we're pulling in from the hospital. I'm sure she would be a great help but my husband and I wish to spend the first few weeks alone learning to be a family. I really fear she will just show up. I don't know how to get these women on board and stop causing all this conflict and anxiety when there shouldn't be any. My pregnancy is about me and my husband, period. Is anyone else going through this?

august06mom · October 2010

So it's OK for your mom to be in the delivery room while you're in labor (and presumably see the baby as soon as its born), but it's not OK for your MIL to meet the baby a few days after it's born?

Sheas · October 2010

august06mom:
So it's OK for your mom to be in the delivery room while you're in labor (and presumably see the baby as soon as its born), but it's not OK for your MIL to meet the baby a few days after it's born?

I think OP is saying that she is going to kick her mother out right before she starts to push??? Correct me if I am wrong.

I assume both are going to be at the hospital to see LO after he/she is born? If only your Mother is, then I think it is only fair to allow your MIL to see your baby also. If they will both be at the hospital to see baby once he/she arrives, then your MIL should understand that you need to learn to be a family at home for a little bit.

You have to be fair to both Mothers, because it WILL cause conflict if one gets something that the other doesn't. HOWEVER, they both must understand that the decisions are up to you and your H, not them.

MegGriff1n · October 2010

Sheas:
august06mom:
So it's OK for your mom to be in the delivery room while you're in labor (and presumably see the baby as soon as its born), but it's not OK for your MIL to meet the baby a few days after it's born?
I think OP is saying that she is going to kick her mother out right before she starts to push??? Correct me if I am wrong.
I assume both are going to be at the hospital to see LO after he/she is born? If only your Mother is, then I think it is only fair to allow your MIL to see your baby also. If they will both be at the hospital to see baby once he/she arrives, then your MIL should understand that you need to learn to be a family at home for a little bit.
You have to be fair to both Mothers, because it WILL cause conflict if one gets something that the other doesn't. HOWEVER, they both must understand that the decisions are up to you and your H, not them.

THIS

mrswright2006 · October 2010

august06mom:
So it's OK for your mom to be in the delivery room while you're in labor (and presumably see the baby as soon as its born), but it's not OK for your MIL to meet the baby a few days after it's born?

I agree with this. IL's were told they had to stay with my parents or get a hotel room, but I didn't bar them from seeing DD. You would be surprised how great it can be to be able to eat a meal or take a shower without interruption. Even if you DH is around, you will find that you end up taking turns sleeping, and would like some company or a distraction.

vintagemommy · October 2010

Gotta love the MIL! I saw mine yesterday and she asked if she would like our name choices. REALLY? It's OUR baby! We don't care if you like them or not... And when we first told her we were pregnant...she told my DH that she had a list of names for us to consider. My DH told her we already picked the name out. She can't stand it that we haven't told her the name yet...we don't find out what we are having until Friday...she knows that once we find out what we're having we're going to tell everyone. It's not like she is the only one we haven't told the name to. Noone knows the name except us!

shuaytos · October 2010

Yes! My mother hasn't been that bad but she thinks that nothing has changed in the 32 years since she has given birth. She has had something to say after each of my doctors appointments, she thinks she knows more than my doctor who not only went to school to be a doctor but is a mother of four.

My mother in-law can't beleive we are using cloth diapers and buying a $680 stroller. She likes to mention it in front of other people each time she can. Doesn't like the crib we picked which has a changing table attached and keeps asking when we are going to paint the room.

I finally had to sit them both down and tell them that this was my child and I will be doing things differently then they did not because I don't like what they did but because this is MY child. I told them that they would be the first ones I come to with any questions but until then they need to keep their comments to themselves. I also told them that they can be in the room during labor but I reserve the right to kick everyone out at anytime. They both took it pretty well. My husband has been very supportive and anytime I need to he talks to his mom. Right after we found out we were pregnant. I'm talking only three weeks along she went out and bought us a whole bunch of baby clothes (boy and girl) and wanted us to open them in front of everyone at a resturant. My husband took her aside and told her that he understood that she was excited but she needed to relax.

Being upfront is the best way to deal with your mother and mother in law because otherwise you will just be upset and they won't know why. Your right this baby is about you and your husband. Don't let anyone ruin that for you.

missys953 · October 2010

Thank you to all that have replied so far. To clarify some of the questions, my mother in law lives three hours away so is not planning to attend the birth. My mother lives 30 min away and will be coming to the hospital when I go into labor. My husband and I would like my mother to attend the labor portion but once I'm ready to push the baby out would like her to wait outside so my husband and I can be alone. Once shes all cleaned up and I'm cleaned up etc. she would be able to come back in. In regards to my mother in law coming to the house right away, if you knew her you'd know why this is my desire. She's an extremely nice woman but has no sense of privacy, personal space, or alone time. I don't want someone stuck to my side while I'm trying to breast feed, or telling me how they think i should do everything. I also want to know if I feel like sitting in a dark room and crying for no reason that I can and she won't be there right in my face. My husband is taking three weeks off after the birth and I'd like us to be alone. I agree with Shuaytos that my mom and his will be the first that i call with questions but I don't want people shoving advice at me before I even ask for it.

kwitt22 · October 2010

I think you need to let MIL meet the baby when your parents do. That's not very fair in IMO. How would you like if this babies spouse in 25 years or so, tells you that you have to wait a few weeks to meet your grandchild. I know I would be pissed. That being said put down your foot with you mother. If she doesnt get it then leave it up to the nurses to kick her out. Pull one of them aside and tell them you only want your husband there for the birth,. I am sure they will be ok with kicking people out.

skio · October 2010

You made the right decision about the delivery room. Respecting your husband's wishes on this is way more important than giving your whiny mother her way.

Just continue to be firm. This is your family and your child - you and your husband get to make the decisions and others have to deal with them. It's not their place AT ALL to get all gripey about decisions you make regarding your child. If they want to throw fits like teenagers, let them. Don't go back on your decisions. GL.

erin3182011 · October 2010

My thoughts......

I am kinda opposite.... Its my vagina everyone is going to be seeing, so I believe its my choice who is in the delivery room and who isnt.... I have decided to have my mother, MIL and grandmother in there. I am very close to all of them, and think this should be a family event.

I will encourage all the help I can get, but have spoke to all family members, and they understand that they can ALL be overwhelming, and to respect our time as a family once we come home from the hospital, and that I will call for help if needed.

Everyone agree's and is happy :-)

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