"Men Need to be Trained"

MamatoJackson · October 2010

The wife of my husband's co-worker and i have been spending time together - She has a baby about six weeks older than Jackson. She is often saying things about how she had to train her husband and how men need to be trained. If they want a "something-something," they have to do certain things in order to keep their wives happy, yadda, yadda.

Does this seem right? Do you feel that you've trained your husband? Do you withhold "the goods" if he doesn't take out the trash or do whatever it is you want him to?

jenifairies · October 2010

no, i think in most marriages there has to be compromise from both partners. my dh trained himself. :P and while i wouldn't threaten to hold out if he won't take out the trash, i'm not going to be in the mood if he's being an ass.

axr8111 · October 2010

Are some men "trained" by their wives? Maybe. But I think it's more likely that they are trained to keep from getting bitten by the shark in the house.

Personally, I think it's much easier to get what you want by treating DH incredibly well. So no training needed in our house, but somehow we both are getting our way.

Oh and there is no way I would withhold sex as a way of getting back! What's the point of that? Then I'd be missing out too

JOEBunny · October 2010

I did have to train my DH, though that is not how I do it. He got me yellow roses for our first valentines because he had no idea they represent friendship. He definitely needed to be educated on the things that make me happy.

ariel06 · October 2010

jenifairies:
no, i think in most marriages there has to be compromise from both partners. my dh trained himself. :P and while i wouldn't threaten to hold out if he won't take out the trash, i'm not going to be in the mood if he's being an ass.

This completely.

wifeandmama · October 2010

axr8111:
Are some men "trained" by their wives? Maybe. But I think it's more likely that they are trained to keep from getting bitten by the shark in the house.
Personally, I think it's much easier to get what you want by treating DH incredibly well. So no training needed in our house, but somehow we both are getting our way.
Oh and there is no way I would withhold sex as a way of getting back! What's the point of that? Then I'd be missing out too

Agree with this totally. Aren't you a Dr. Laura fan, too? Reading her books has really changed my perspective about how to treat my hubby... I should read it again because I've been a real witch lately!

kiwi443 · October 2010

No. I married someone who would be my partner, not someone I had to mold into the perfect mate.

gatogrrl · October 2010

DH is seven years younger than I am, so he had an awful lot of catching up to do when I met him. But I would never withhold sex to manipulate him. First, he should do the right thing because he wants to, not because I'm holding something over his head. Second, I like sex too much. ;o)

zeesbride · October 2010

My husband is not a dog, and I do not treat him as such.

jen5-03 · October 2010

Yes and no. Training implies that it's a one-way street with the one doing the training in charge.

But I believe that in any relationship there is a learning curve where we learn what our partners like and vice versa, and we figure out compromises regarding all the details of daily life. And when you have a baby, all of a sudden you have a whole slew of things to learn and figure out again, just like when you were newlyweds.

So while my DH is not "trained", we have figured out how to work together and cobble together a parenting style and a way for our family to work that suits us.

susanmosley · October 2010

I hate that mentality. I think mutual respect, love and appreciation for each other is a better way to go. Plus, I think people sound so dumb when they say those things. But whatev - Im sure I say things that people think are dumb.

Dr.Loretta · October 2010

Mom and I talk that way, but rarely and usually in a joking tone. For example, she's found that it has to be my dad's idea in order for certain things to get done, so she's figured out how to convince him things are his idea. DH has definitely changed certain habits since we have gotten married, but so have I. And he's gotten less picky.

I never withhold sex for something like this. Or anything really. I think that's a dumb way to "train" a man.

Stacyc625 · October 2010

I think Jeni said it best-

I definitely don't withhold sex for him not doing things a certain way- but if he is being an a$$ he is definitely a lot less likely to get anything out of me-

Mrs.Hizzo · October 2010

Sadly, I don't think we're having enough sex at the moment to make withholding it an effective training strategy. I have to bribe him with ice cream, instead.

eaglesfan700 · October 2010

This seems extremely weird to me. If my husband doesn't do something I want or expect him to do (and vice verse), we talk about it

A marriage isn't a power struggle and IMO women who say things like this like to think they have some kind of power over their husbands

MamatoJackson · October 2010

The funny thing is this lady is always talking about how much she enjoys Dr. Laura's books. lol

Which books by her would you recommend? I've yet to read any and definitely don't agree with this friend's line of thinking.

MamatoJackson · October 2010

I should mention that she's also one of those, "Oh hell no, girl!" people when I vent about frustrations with DH. That shakin' her head, finger snappin', this is how it needs to be done, etc.

Not sure about her yet - We've only hung out a handful of times and I like her, we just have different attitudes towards... everything.

lms_bride · October 2010

Men do not need to be trained. That is so demeaning. Imagine if our husbands said that we need to be trained. We'd be up in arms. Do two people in a relationship need to learn how to work together, and learn to help make one another happy? Absolutely. And do I withhold the "goods" if he doesn't do as I ask? Um, no. That's manipulative. However, as someone else pointed out (jenifairies I think), if I'm pissed at him for any reason, there's probably not going to be a lot of "activity". But theoretically I'm not pissed at him when he doesn't do everything I ask. We don't work that way. Its give and take. So anywho.... the coworker's wife sounds like kind of a b-word.

Temp174496125006552 · October 2010

kiwi443:
No. I married someone who would be my partner, not someone I had to mold into the perfect mate.

Exactly. If one of us does something the other isn't entirely happy about, we discuss it like adults. And there is no withholding sex. That's absurd and makes no sense to me.

Daisy77 · October 2010

I don't feel that I've trained him, I just think that after 8 years he's learned what will and won't fly with me. Same goes for me being "trained" for him.

As for withholding sex, if he's being a plonker and then expecting to get some from me he's going to be disappointed. Not because I do it as punishment, I am truly not in the mood because of his attitude. I need more than physical contact to get in the mood and dealing with a 4th child is not a turn on.

EnglishMajor03 · October 2010

Indifferent

That is nutso.

KRISTA555 · October 2010

axr8111:

Are some men "trained" by their wives? Maybe. But I think it's more likely that they are trained to keep from getting bitten by the shark in the house.

Personally, I think it's much easier to get what you want by treating DH incredibly well. So no training needed in our house, but somehow we both are getting our way.

Oh and there is no way I would withhold sex as a way of getting back! What's the point of that? Then I'd be missing out too

This, especially the bolded. Who wants to be married to their mother?

nicte83 · October 2010

jenifairies:
no, i think in most marriages there has to be compromise from both partners. my dh trained himself. :P and while i wouldn't threaten to hold out if he won't take out the trash, i'm not going to be in the mood if he's being an ass.

This.

Though just because you have found compromises doesn't follow that the world will see it from that way.. my ILs don't. They only see that he is always getting things for me when we are at their house so I don't have to use my MIL's kitchen. Side note: when were dating I dared to fix a sandwich and was later blamed for a mess that I evidently didn't clean up (but since I didn't touch the flour I fail to see how it was my mess) and swore off ever putting myself in a position to get yelled at by his mother for that again since she tried to make me feel 3 inches tall.

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