Would like some input from you girls

BabyMimi · October 2010

I am writing a blog post for 10/15 about what to do it a friend or family member suffers a loss. I want to say a lot about what things "not " to say (everything happens for a reason, your young, you can try again, etc.)

If you wouldn't mind sharing, I would love your suggestions and examples of awesome things people did for you/not so awesome things people did for you.

TIA

babygirlpriest · October 2010

I'm sure there are one's I'm missing but here's what was said to me that hurt more than helped:

ANYTHING have to do with GOD (His will, a part of His plan, God is in control, etc.)
Happened for a reason (YES. The reason is it had screwed up chromosomes!! Why exactly would that make me feel better?!?!?)
At least you're young.
It's for the best.
At least it was early. Doesn't really count.
Tis better to have loved and lost... (yeah, I actually got that one)
So are you gonna adopt?
At least you know you can get pregnant!
Wasn't meant to be
So when are you going to start trying again?

That's all I've got off the top of my head.

KelinandKevin · October 2010

The awesome: My family sent me a beautiful plant that will bloom every year in honor of my LO.

The not-so-awesome: Several people called to say congrats after my dad spilled the beans (won't be telling him again) and then when I m/c'ed I KNOW they heard about it and not one of them called to check on me or say anything. The next time I saw each of them they avoided my eyes and talked to my husband. Treated me like I have a fvcking disease or something. I wish people would realize that a simple, "I am so sorry for your loss" would mean the world.

Oh, and I am going to echo the PP;

Don't bring God into it.
Happened for a reason. It doesn't make me feel better that my blood clots starved my babies to death.
At least you're young. F' that. Kevin's 40 and I'm 30. Clocks a' tickin'.
At least it was early.
Are you gonna adopt?
At least you know you can get pregnant!
Wasn't meant to be.
So when are you going to start trying again?
What did you do wrong?
What are you going to do next time to keep this from happening?

AppleRidge · October 2010

"So-and-so had 42 miscarriages and eventually she had a baby / adopted / moved to Tibet and became a barren monk, so I'm sure things will eventually work out for you."

KristysRedBarn · October 2010

The best thing to say is, "I'm so sorry for your loss." If you really mean it, tell them that your available for them to talk when they need it.

I had an aunt that sent me a card and in it she wrote how inconvenient it was for her because she had already bought us a gift - DON'T DO THAT

Be hesitant about sending flowers. For some couples it's hard to watch the flowers die, it reminds them of their baby dieing.

Please don't ask me what I need, because I have no idea what I need and it stresses me out to have to try and think about what I need.

We had people bring food and it was so wonderful, we didn't have the strength or energy to cook or plan for meals. We also had an awesome friend who put together a paper goods care package, paper towels, plates, plastic silverware, cups, tp, and tissues. This way we didn't have to worry about running to walmart or doing dishes for a couple of weeks. It was kind of an odd gift, but so appreciated.

I appreciated emails, phone calls, and texts, but please understand when I simply can't handle returning them.

JuJuBe3 · October 2010

Two things I'd like to add are; don't give us the look of pity and don't make a comment along the lines of 'are you sure you should try again', like you're completely doomed.

For the good things, I really think it's best to just say 'I am sorry for your loss' and ask what they can do, even if it's just listen. A couple of really great things people did for me were to remember to ask how I was doing several weeks later (i.e. realizing the grief is not gone in 2 weeks) and saying something kind on mother's day or the EDD. My Mom was the only one IRL that did these things, but it meant the world to me to know she had not forgotten.

PeetiePie · October 2010

I love all of these suggestions. I plan to post one or both of these websites as a reference:

https://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/helping.html

https://www.howtodothings.com/family-relationships/how-to-help-a-woman-after-a-miscarriage

Clerk9 · October 2010

These are great!

I'd like to add a wrinkle to one "what not to say":

You got pregnant easily the first time. I'm sure it'll happen again!

Um, thanks Mom. ::cringe:: How long's it been???

I really like the idea of the paper goods package & recognizing the trouble we have with milestones (mother's day, EDD, BFP anniversary, m/c anniversary, etc.).

It's great that you're doing this!

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