Donor Sperm ladies

SLPMel · October 2010

Have any of you had to work through with your DH the emotional aspect of DS?

I kind of get where DH is coming from now a little more-he is scared that one day our child will wonder who his "real" father is and he does not want to be alone in that boat.

I've tried talking to him that no matter what child we have-donor embryo/adopted-they are going to wonder about that. And it's going to hurt us as their parent, but a lot of it depends on how *we* see it and how *we* treat it. I don't have the emotional connection to biology-a Mom is more than an egg, and a Dad is more than a sperm. I grew up with my grandfather not being my "real" grandfather-he adopted my Dad when he was 2. But you didn't see the difference-my Dad was given the option of connecting with his "real" father and he chose not too.

He is also worried that people will say the baby looks just like me-but with chosing a donor based on his characteristics, we'll still get that. And when we look at our nieces-his middle niece looks nothing like mom OR dad-she's a spitting image of her grandfather! I don't necessarily look like my mom or my dad-I am a carbon copy of my grandmother (seriously, put a blond wig on me and I'm her!)

I see DE and DS as a gift-that these people are giving others the ability to have children-and how lucky are we that we can do that.

So I'm having a hard time understanding him-and he's having a hard time understanding me. How do we branch this? Do I just take it off the table and ignore that it is an option? Or do I push him to look father into it and maybe get him to talk about it with someone?

roselln2 · October 2010

Our situation was a little different, but it was a struggle too. DH was fully on board, and I was convinced that he secretly harbored issues about it. Turns out it was me. We went to a counselor recommended by RESOLVE that specialized in infertility and the use of donors and talked through it together. I personally found it really helpful for both of us. For me, it made me realize he was indeed ready for this and helped me accept it. For him, it helped him be comfortable with ultimately sharing this decision with others because he didn't want to initially, and I thought it was important for us to do so if we moved forward with it. I highly recommend seeing someone together. I also recommend reading donor-related books. The one I found particularly helpful was called Helping the Stork. Good luck, sweetie!

SLPMel · October 2010

roselln2:
Our situation was a little different, but it was a struggle too. DH was fully on board, and I was convinced that he secretly harbored issues about it. Turns out it was me. We went to a counselor recommended by RESOLVE that specialized in infertility and the use of donors and talked through it together. I personally found it really helpful for both of us. For me, it made me realize he was indeed ready for this and helped me accept it. For him, it helped him be comfortable with ultimately sharing this decision with others because he didn't want to initially, and I thought it was important for us to do so if we moved forward with it. I highly recommend seeing someone together. I also recommend reading donor-related books. The one I found particularly helpful was called Helping the Stork. Good luck, sweetie!

Thank you. I wish our DH's could talk =(

I think some therapy is in our future-and I think it's a good thing. I want him to be open and honest with someone about it all that is not *me*. So he can receive support and challanges without me being a part of it.

I think I am going to order some books on DS/DE/Adoption for us to look at together. He said it really helps when we look at things together and read up on it.

Thank you for the recommendation!

gidge · October 2010

My situation is similar to Roselln. DH has really been wanting to use ds since our IVF failed last winter. I had a lot of the same fears your DH has only I wonder if DH would ever say it bothered him or if he would just hold it in and become resentful.

For me it took a lot of time (6 months of thinking about it before we found sperm and the last year since our first IVF). I wish I could say we had some good talks that helped me but this has been really hard for me to talk about and conversations usually consist of "we need to talk about this" we get one of my fears out on the table and I start crying. Not particularly productive :P

In the last couple months DH has become open to options that he hasn't been open to in the last year, too. Ultimately, we've both gotten impatient so we had decided to go with the "cheaper" and hopefully faster choice.

Hang in there!

theworms · October 2010

((HUGS))

it is a tough situation cutie.

i agree with roselln, talking to a therapist can help and helping the stork is a great book.

ultimately, being a real parent has nothing to do with biology. my DH is youngest of 12 kids and his father was not a "real" father, more like a sperm donor. DH says he learned what a real father is from his relationship w/ my dad.

being a dad is being there every day and loving, providing for and supporting your children.

when DH and i met with psychologist, he asked DH was he was most scared of and DH said the child saying something like, i don't have to listen to you, you're not my real dad (most likely in the awful teenage years). he told DH to imagine all these instances and come up with answers ahead of time so that he's not blindsided. kids say dumb stuff and they may very well say something like this so the best way to handle it is to be prepared.

also, we will raise our children from day 1 with the belief that families come in all shapes and sizes and no one kind of family is right or the real kind. a family doesn't always have a mom and dad or bio kids or whatever but it doesn't make it any less of a family.

we tried everything we could (i should say DH did) to have bio family but it didn't work. we don't regret that and i think it helped DH move on to DS. it also took me sometime to get on board but we decided it was the best option for us. i can honestly say it would have been easier for me to give up my bio link that it was for me to give up DH's.

so, in a very long-winded answer i would say try to talk to him about why he feels this way (maybe bring up more real life instances of non-traditional families you may know) and talk to a therapist.

GL cutie. we're here for you.

Ginger71 · October 2010

I am going through this right now. (hugs) It's so hard because I don't want to hurt his feelings...I almost feel like I am confirming how he feels about himself if we move forward. (He thinks he is a loser despite everything I have told him)

Seeing my therapist helped a little. She just really stressed the fact that a father is the man that raises and that it is really important that he help pick his "stand in". I would totally recommend counseling together becasue my therapist really helped us open the dialouge. We have never had problems communicating...about many serious issues but for some reason we just couldn't talk about it.

So, I ended up coming up with donor lists from 3 different clinics (DH asked me to do the preliminary work to narrow it down for him). Once he looked at the baby photos he got kind of excited. I put it in his hands and told him that I want him to be in charge and that made him feel a little better,I think.

I just constantly stress that I want him to be a father so much because his love and integrity and goodness should not go to waste.

Good luck with everything. Please feel free to PM me if you want to "talk" or ask me any questions.

Yellow_Daisy · October 2010

Much like Roselln and Worms my DH and I went to a counselor. My DH struggled for quite a while with the idea he had no sperm, we hadn't even gotten to the DS part. It took almost a year to get to the Uro because he shut down. After 6 mos of weekly counseling DH was ready to move on. He made the decision to use a donor over adoption, he was ready to talk to people. It wasn't an overnight change it took a lot of time. It drove me crazy, because once I make a decision I want to move forward and get results.

Today he is fine with the decision to use DS, I am sure we will have struggles as we raise our family, but everyone has struggles, ours will just be different.

SLPMel · October 2010

Thank you ladies for sharing. I really do appreciate it!

I wish that I could make it all go away. My issue with it all is that the cost for a DIUI versus Donor Embryo success, or the cost of DE/DS combo or domestic adoption-it's a large difference. And he is balking at this cost-so not only will be be spending significantly more, but we will also put off having a family so DH will feel comfortable with the financial aspect of it all.

I feel like the chance of us having children is so far away from us, that it feels unrealistic. We are okay with anything-but once you put the cost factor in, it makes all of the other options just as cruddy as the one we have-and on top of it, just so the child can wonder about BOTH their mother and father, and we BOTH can be hurt when they say mean things.

I emailed a infertility therapist-and maybe we can meet with her regarding our options, and our decisions. Why does this have to be so hard?

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