I had a parenting epiphany (long)

Echowysp · October 2010

The challenges of raising a toddler, in addition to taking care of a newborn, really affected how I felt about parenting and about myself. And I'm tired of it.

After a few weeks of ds acting out at play dates and smacking kids for obvious reasons (kid took his toy) to not so obvious (little girl sitting on a chair he must have wanted), and being yelled at by a stranger mom in front of my entire play group when ds hit her kid, I started looking at ds in a new way. Maybe not so cute and lovable anymore and more like someone I didn't like as much anymore. I started shying away from play dates and wondering if I can even bring him around my friends' kids. I canceled day trips because he might hit.

Then he acted out a few times with the baby. He would be mad at me and take a swipe at her. I knew it was normal and even expected it, but when it happened, I felt like a failure. And that "afraid of my son's behavior" feeling came back. But now it was constant and not just while out. I cringed when it was time to come in from outside because i knew it would cause a tantrum and that would "ruin" our fun outside. I would smile through gritted teeth when he wanted to "love" the baby because he might hug her too hard or lay on her to kiss her and make her cry. Or hit her when I told him to leave her alone. That would bring on the "my child isn't perfect" feeling again. I started noticing that when friends would ask how Adam was, I'd list the things I was frustrated with.

Then it hit me. This isn't what Adam does; it's what toddlers do. Sure, not all toddlers and not at the same age, but it's just being a toddler. it's not who Adam is. Who he is funny and playful and loving. What he is doing is going through growing pains and instead of me feeling like a failure or being guilty because I don't like my child's behavior (and secretly worried that it was making me not like him as much), I realized that it was my job to guide him through those pains. And to stop taking it so damn personal. Because it's not. It just is what life with a growing person is like. So when he cries because I told him to stop doing something, I'll be ok with it. And when he tries to get my attention by acting out, I'll be ok with it too. And I will start telling people of all the smart and wonderful things he does every day.

Anyway, sorry for the length, but this has been weighing on me and I feel like maybe I have a handle on things again. For now...lol.

sevans1975 · October 2010

Yes

I like it...all of it. Hard to think negatively about your little one, like I did briefly last night when I took her crayon away and started scrubbing her artwork off our kitchen cabinet. All the while, she is screaming because she couldn't color anymore.

So, thank you for this reminder!

Shayna0182 · October 2010

I can't imagine how difficult it must be take care of a toddler and a new baby. You have my upmost respect. I have issues with ds too, and sometimes it's much easier to complain about the toddler problems than it is to talk about his good qualities. Just know that you are definitely not alone. I can't think of a mom out there who doesn't have problems with their lo, once a new baby comes home.

July_2009 · October 2010

That is very beautiful! It hit a chord with me because I have some of these feelings with my DS when he throws fits and tantrums. But I am glad to have opened your post and you just enlightened me about our job as mothers is to guide our kids through life and the emotions they are not able to handle and give them a strong foundation for their bright future! THANK YOU!

tarebear9891 · October 2010

Well said. I had this same epiphany a month ago or so. It is perfectly normal to feel that way at first. Luke headbutted Sawyer really hard about a month ago when I thought he was going in for a kiss. I don't know if I have ever been that mad at him. And then like you I realized he was just being a toddler. We just have to ride it out until it gets easier:)

chickiesha · October 2010

well said ... I think most of us go through these moments as well and it's quite normal but yes our kids are amazing and most of what they do is part of being a toddler. Just keep on giving him lots of love.

I'm home with DD 2 days in the week and sometimes I think to myself this kid drives me crazy I should be at work but at the end of the day I feel so bad for even having that feeling and then she does these amazing little things that makes my heart flutter and I remember that the little challenges are so worth the amazing things

wellfleet04 · October 2010

Good for you. My kids are 23 months apart, and it's not easy. Parenting will never be easy. Every age has challenges and joys, and it is really easy to lose sight of the joys and get bogged down in the challenges.

I need to do some work myself, because lately I find myself with very little patience for my 3.5 year old. I hate feeling like I don't want to be around my own kid, but honestly, with the irrational fits, the attitude, the calling me a "stupid lady" (thanks, preschool), etc it is hard to stay calm and remember that she's also clever, funny and sweet.

Thanks for this post. It's a good reminder. I feel like we as parents often take too much on ourselves. Kids are people, too, and while we are there to guide and help them, everything they do (good or bad) is not a result of our parenting. Good parents raise drug addicts. Crappy parents send kids to Harvard. We can only do our best and let go of the control and guilt if we know we are doing our best. So, just be gentle with yourself. It's ok if you're not ok with his tantrums every single time. It's ok if you get frustrated. That's just real, and real is ok, too.

sam19 · October 2010

Sorry you guys have been having it so rough. Sounds like you have a good grasp on things though.

You're doing good mama!

Chrysallys · October 2010

Way to go mama!

mavilabride4evah · October 2010

Thank you for sharing. That's an awesome perspective!

ljlkm · October 2010

Amen! I've been fortunate so far, but I know it's just a matter of time before DS starts whapping other kids. We'll deal with it when it comes up because it definitely will! Knowing this also make me more understanding when another kid whaps DS (that happens too).

Stellasmom · October 2010

They're really just little uncivilized people, and we have to civilize them.

It's hard not to take it personally though. I'm glad you're feeling better.

WannaBeHiking · October 2010

I love this, and love you for your honesty, and love Adam! For what it's worth, I hope you never shy away from playing with us, because I think Adam is silly and hilarious and sweet. And YOU are an amazing mom.

I also usually take things that Ben does or doesn't do really personally, and fret about them, and feel like a failure even if he's just being a normal toddler. It's hard not to, I think, for any parent who places a lot of value of themself as being a good parent. I'm freaked about the same thing happening to me when this second one comes along and I lose more control of everything. Thank you for the reminder and optimism, though.

But also, I think it's ok to give yourself permission to "not like" your kid every so often (there are moments or days when I really don't like Ben), as long as it doesn't come across to them too often. And it's ok to share frustrations with friends. But I totally get what you're saying about an attitude shift for yourself that will feel better.

ncbelle · October 2010

Big thumbs up! It's hard work being a little person - and hard work being a little person's mama ;-)

heatherlane · October 2010

Stellasmom:

They're really just little uncivilized people, and we have to civilize them.

It's hard not to take it personally though. I'm glad you're feeling better.

ITA! It is tough. I feel like the first year was so easy. We have a boy is so loving and curious and inquisitive, but who also has a very HIGH level of activity. Gone is my laid back little baby, and now is a kid who wants to run and throw and take other kids' toys because he just wants in on the fun.

But, no one said it would be easy...

lclark79 · October 2010

Great perspective! Thanks for sharing!! It really is wayy to easy to take some of the things they do so personally.

Sage Mommy · October 2010

Good for you:) I'm glad you have a better perspective on things.(((hugs)))

mndance79 · October 2010

I absolutely love this perspective, and I will try to remember it when I get frustrated with my LO in the future. Thank you for sharing!

LoveEeyore · October 2010

That's really well-put- thanks for sharing it. My family is all over the country and they watch the kids grow up through FB. So often my statuses are quickies about the awesome things they do. And I always find if she has a rough day, going to my profile and re-reading those important reminders always cheers me up and reminds me that the minute she discovered free will I lost a little control, and that only meant, bumps and all, that we were on the right track. Glad you can see yourself and your impossibly adorable little one in a new light. That's what you want to remember when he's big and grown and all man-like and stuff.

Echowysp · October 2010

WannaBeHiking:
I love this, and love you for your honesty, and love Adam! For what it's worth, I hope you never shy away from playing with us, because I think Adam is silly and hilarious and sweet. And YOU are an amazing mom.

I also usually take things that Ben does or doesn't do really personally, and fret about them, and feel like a failure even if he's just being a normal toddler. It's hard not to, I think, for any parent who places a lot of value of themself as being a good parent. I'm freaked about the same thing happening to me when this second one comes along and I lose more control of everything. Thank you for the reminder and optimism, though.

But also, I think it's ok to give yourself permission to "not like" your kid every so often (there are moments or days when I really don't like Ben), as long as it doesn't come across to them too often. And it's ok to share frustrations with friends. But I totally get what you're saying about an attitude shift for yourself that will feel better.

Aw, thanks. This means a lot to me. No, I won't shy away from our Smelly Boys dates... I need them and you guys too much! Ben is a little darling and I don't think I've seen a moment of bad behavior from him. He's got a great mom who I miss seeing very much. ((hugs))

WannaBeHiking · October 2010

Echowysp:
WannaBeHiking:

I love this, and love you for your honesty, and love Adam! For what it's worth, I hope you never shy away from playing with us, because I think Adam is silly and hilarious and sweet. And YOU are an amazing mom.

I also usually take things that Ben does or doesn't do really personally, and fret about them, and feel like a failure even if he's just being a normal toddler. It's hard not to, I think, for any parent who places a lot of value of themself as being a good parent. I'm freaked about the same thing happening to me when this second one comes along and I lose more control of everything. Thank you for the reminder and optimism, though.

But also, I think it's ok to give yourself permission to "not like" your kid every so often (there are moments or days when I really don't like Ben), as long as it doesn't come across to them too often. And it's ok to share frustrations with friends. But I totally get what you're saying about an attitude shift for yourself that will feel better.

Aw, thanks. This means a lot to me. No, I won't shy away from our Smelly Boys dates... I need them and you guys too much! Ben is a little darling and I don't think I've seen a moment of bad behavior from him. He's got a great mom who I miss seeing very much. ((hugs))

Hugs back to you! Can't wait to see you all again. And thanks on Ben, but he definitely has his horrible toddler moments, which I'm sure will only get worse as we hit 2. Right now he's a bit of a shy mama's boy, so he saves his worst for me at home. Lucky me.

bim38106 · October 2010

I just want to say that I know EXACTLY how you feel and what you mean about all of that. I could have written every single word

The good days are amazing...but the bad days sure are trying and make me feel like I must be doing something wrong. But you're right. It's what toddlers do and we have to put ourselves in their place and this overwhelming changing world where they are just learning and trying to fit in and make sense of it all.. It's normal, and it's ok

hisaak · October 2010

A little late to the party on this one, but what a wonderful reminder. Well put!

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