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TTC After a Loss
long vent about my stupid body
:::this is going to get long, sorry...I just need to vent a little:::
As we all try to conceive we talk about cutting out coffee, alcohol, eating our best, taking our vitamins. Well, I'm doing all that but also dealing with something else entirely that's making my body more wonky than anything - and I'm wondering how much it has or can affect our chances of having a successful pregnancy. This is a worry that's been with me for a long time, I just fear bringing it up because I don't think I'm going to like the answer.
Long story short, my spine is really messed up. A year ago this time I was on leave from work because my doctors were all convinced I had Multiple Sclerosis. My symptoms started as what felt like a kidney infection, which then turned into chest constriction, then my arms started to get sore, stiff, and I lost any strength - so much that I couldn't raise my arms to wash my own hair.
This was all followed my months of abdominal problems (which are still with me) - bloat, indigestion, debilitated pain at the base of my rib cage..Basically, I was in pain and restricted in movement from my belly button up.
It was concluded that all my organs were actually fine, medically, but something was causing them to react which was what lead them to MS, and neuropathy.
Fast forward to now, a year later, and we know it's not MS. It is actually all mechanical - not medical, and has to do with a bizarre number of discs in my spine that are herniated, and in turn pinching nerves - which cause all my crazy symptoms. When we learned this (just recently) the doctor then suggested it might be why I miscarried. Maybe some nerve was pinched, sending a signal to my ute to not function properly.
We're still not sure how to treat my back. I have in front of me two new forms for MRI's, one for the lumber, and the other thoracic in mid November. It's been suggested that I will have months and months of a special physio therapy plan, along with decompression treatment.
So what happens if I get pregnant this cycle - this weirdly numerically perfect cycle? The stars are aligning with my TTCAL buddies, but my spine is still a squashed and tangled mess.
My symptoms come and go in severity, but are always with me. Every day is a surprise (so very MS-like). Today I had trouble washing my hair, have severe chest restriction, and my left leg has been so wonky for weeks that I'm wobbly and limping. I look like a freak walking the halls.
As I was struggling to get myself to work today I wondered what my nerves might do to another pregnancy...
I can't imagine putting TTC on hold...and know that I won't, not at my age....but am I risking too much? It's going to be a while before this treatment starts - they need to see these MRIs first. It's also wickedly expensive (and not covered, even in Canada)...so I have that debate in my mind similar to what RunSchwartzRun said yesterday: I have a living child to support, so how can I go in debt for me?
I do rationalize it in the sense that I am not being a fantastic mother with all these symptoms. It's so important to be a healthy mom, and be the best you can be for your kids....but this treatment is pushing the $10,000 mark. Scary.
I'm not worried about pain in pregnancy. After what I went through to have Hannah I know I can handle anything, but I just worry that my body, my nerves, my stupid spine are going to tell my ute no...:::sigh:::
/worrying vent.
A cute aside about my special Claire. I drew this last year when this all first started:
BFP #1 Valentine's Day BFP! February 14th 2010
Missed M/C 11w5d ~ forever in our hearts.
BFP #2 EDD September 30, 2012 ~ natural m/c 5w4d
broken hearted, changed forever
BFP #2 EDD September 30, 2012 ~ natural m/c 5w4d
broken hearted, changed forever
This discussion has been closed.
Re: long vent about my stupid body
I am so so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. Please vent away. I don't have any wise words, but just know that you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
I love the diagram! Your dogs all look amazing. I hope those furbabies take good care of you.
BFP 1: 3/19/10 Loss: 7/9/10
BFP 2: 12/28/10
My Blog: Losing Sylvia
True. But you have to take care of yourself. Even if you weren't TTC... you can't go on like that if there's treatment available. You may go into some debt, but you can worry about that later. Take care of yourself...
(((((Big Hugs))))
BFP#1: 7/23/10, EDD 4/1/11, MC/DNC 9/29/10(14wks)
BFP#2: 1/12/11 CP (6 Weeks)
BFP#3: 6/26/11, EDD 3/4/12, Natural MC 8/5/11 (10wks)
I'm sorry you are going through this. Have you spoken to your OB/GYN about this and how it can affect your ability to carry a child? Maybe they all can arrange a care conference?
The drawing is cute. I know that Claire is taking good care of you. ((hugs))
We love and miss you Jillian (18w) and Peanut (6w). Welcome to our TAC miracle Jacob!
I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this Amy. I have no idea what the "right" answer is. On the one hand, you have your DD so your body is able to carry a full term pregnancy right? That is definitely a fact that I would cling too if I was in your position. That would give me hope that I can have a healthy baby again. I think it's important for you to get healthy but I can understand not wanting to put off TTC. Can you do the treatment while TTC?
It sounds like you are in constant pain and while spending 10k on treatment is definitely scary, my theory is that people get into debt for all sorts of stupid reasons. Your health is a pretty good reason to get a little into debt (assuming of course this money won't make or break you). I'm scared as hell about all the money I'm going to be spending on IVF (all OOP) but for me it's worth it if I get my take home baby. I think you have to decided if this 10k is worth it for you. Sorry I'm not much help. ((hugs))
Nope, not at all - we talk about it all the time. She's been amazing. When we thought it was MS she made sure any drug I was on was checked through the MotherSafe program, and she isn't convinced my nerves had anything to do with the loss (only the spine doctor suggested that). She's been a great support, and wants to see us pg.
BFP #2 EDD September 30, 2012 ~ natural m/c 5w4d
broken hearted, changed forever
Yes, I can do the treatment while TTC, and all doctors involved are aware we're trying, and see no reason why we can't in the process. It's just me, ever since the spine doctor suggested the link....it makes me worry, but it could also be completely unrelated.
There are so many gambles with TTC that I don't really believe in one direction or the other. Anything could happen...as we all know..
I was able to have Hannah - but that was 12 years ago, almost 13...haha, age has caught up with me now. Still, she came out nice and healthy so she gives me hope!
Thanks!
BFP #2 EDD September 30, 2012 ~ natural m/c 5w4d
broken hearted, changed forever
If your doctor is supportive of you TTC in your condition, then I think that's all that matters. If it was impossible, or even improbable, that you could carry a healthy pregnancy, I think she would let you know that. Do what you need to do to take care of you. I;m so sorry you are having to go through this. (((hugs)))
BFP #1 - m/c on 12.22.09 @ 8w3d
BFP #2 - d&c on 07.22.10 @11w1d
BFP #3 - DS born on 06.22.11 @41w3d!
BFP #4 - Due 04.24.13
This post hurts my heart in so many ways. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, I am sorry you are in pain, I am sorry money is an issue. I am just sorry.
I really wish I had the answer, but I think I would be doing the same as you: continuing on with the process for the pain, TTC, and hoping for the best. To me the financial situation is not the same as mine really because to preserve your quality of life you have to do these treatments (in my opinion.)
I know this may sound cold, but honestly, what is the worst that can happen if you keep TTC? You get pregnant and something goes wrong. Is that worse than never getting pregnant at all, wondering what could have been, and regretting it for the rest of your life? On the other hand, what is the best that can happen? You get a baby. And maybe the pregnancy is hard, and maybe you still have to deal with this when it is over, but you get a baby.
Of course, that doesn't address the "what if I just don't get pregnant" part, which is the worst of all, and I think we all relate. All you can do I think is keep pursuing your treatment and hope for the best. I guess that is true for all of us. I really believe that one way or the other you will get straightened out (maybe not perfect) but straightened out enough for a pregnancy.
Many many many (((hugs)))
Aww, thank you.
You hit it right on though - this is exactly what goes through my head. In the end, I want to see DH a father, he deserves it, and I want to have the experience of sharing a baby with someone, and enjoying being parents together - that is all I care about.
Pain, treatments, money..all that aside I just want a baby...everything else will work out, it always does. I know what needs to be done, I just need the patience to get through it.
*HUGS BACK*
BFP #2 EDD September 30, 2012 ~ natural m/c 5w4d
broken hearted, changed forever
I am so sorry! I can't even imagine what it would be like have to cope with chronic pain, not to mention the frustation of just wanting to feel better. I wish there was some tidbit of advice I could offer, but I don't have any. Just feel free to vent away - we're here for you.
BTW - your drawing is adorable - you're very talented!
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