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omg....how do I handle this????

DandRDandR
in School-Aged Children

I can't believe this stuff starts in KINDERGARTEN!!!

My DD just told me "J--- made me unbutton my pants, he said he wouldn't be my friend unless I did that."

WHAT!!!!

I'm currently watching my neice because my Sister-in-law has an appt, so I haven't been able to ask her more about this, since I don't really want to discuss it in front of my niece, or ruin their play time.....

So, what would you do??? What would you ask???  Call to the teacher or principal for this???

 

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Re: omg....how do I handle this????

  • lizloo85lizloo85

    WOW

    First, I would talk to DD in private, and ask questions to get as much info as possible. Try not to lead anything like, don't ask "did he touch you" but rather "then what happened" so nothing is put into her head to confuse the details.

    I would want to talk to the teacher first thing in the morning, but she will prolly be busy. Maybe mention it quickly at drop off and request a meeting later in the day to discuss further.

    I'm so sorry that happened to her. Hope you get some reassurance that it will never happen again.

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  • littlemermaidlittlemermaid member
    Definitely bring this up to the teacher ASAP!!
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  • warriormomerinwarriormomerin
    I would go to the school counselor. My DD is a victim of sexual abuse and in my experience they tend to know more about these specific types of behaviors than the teacher and/or principal. I'm not saying that's the situation here, but that's definitely not typical Kindergarten behavior.
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  • CubbyMamaCubbyMama

    Ditto the advice about asking her non-leading questions, and be sure to praise her for telling you about it!  I'd talk to the teacher first, and make she s/he is planning to make administration and the other kid's parents aware.  Kids who have enough knowledge/experience about sexual stuff to even do that to another kid are probably victims themselves, unfortunately, so the teacher should be aware to keep an eye on J and report to Child Protective Services if there are any signs that he has been a victim himself. 

    Going immediately to a principal rarely gets parents anywhere, because if they didn't know about the incident/issue in advance, all they can really tell you is that they'll talk to the teacher and look into it.  It's better to start with the teacher and then follow up to make sure it was handled the right way.

    image
    Kiwi Fruit, 10.2.06 & Ellie Bug, 4.5.09

    My blog: Bear With Us
    Ideas on Teaching Your Toddler/Preschooler at Home

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  • DandRDandR

    I chatted with my DD last night...it was a great conversation.

    I asked a couple of times "and then what happened" and she almost seemed confused...she said "he said I wouldn't be his friend!" but that was it.  So I don't think anything else happened beyond her unbuttoning her pants.

    it happened in the classroom, not on the playground or a bathroom or anything, which leads me to believe not much more could happen beyond that too....it IS a big classroom though, so I'm not upset the teacher didn't "catch" it...they can't be everywhere at once

    And I sent the teacher an emails saying "I know conferences are this week, but I really would like to talk to you asap, can you please call me Tuesday"  and she responded almost immediately with her plan time that she is going to try and call, and her lunch time if she doesn't reach me at the plan time.  

    My rational side has kicked in after the freak out mama bear side, and while it is completely inappropriate and wrong, the side of me that says "They are JUST five year olds!" is telling me that this kid was probably just curious or something.....the bully part of "won't be your friend" does still bug me....but at this point, its not like I can hunt the kid down, so I'm trusting the school will deal with it.

    I praised her for telling me and told her that I hope if it happens again she comes to me or tells her teacher who would also be able to help her.  I gave big hugs and told her how much I love her.

    Bottom line---my parenting fail was not having the private parts conversation before school started.....we had that conversation last night.  It was a good talk...she had no clue what her private parts were.  When I explained "all the areas your swimsuit covers" and that she shouldn't show them to kids at school, or teacher, or anyone other than mommy or daddy or a doctor who needs to check things out when you are sick...she got a bit confused, because we aren't ashamed to be naked at our house....it common for my kids to run around naked before or after showers, they see me naked and my husband in boxers often. 

    SOOOO--if you haven't had that conversation, do it sooner than later!!!!!

     

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  • mylesmommamylesmomma
    I would call the teacher
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  • warriormomerinwarriormomerin
    imageDandR:

    I chatted with my DD last night...it was a great conversation.

    I asked a couple of times "and then what happened" and she almost seemed confused...she said "he said I wouldn't be his friend!" but that was it.  So I don't think anything else happened beyond her unbuttoning her pants.

    it happened in the classroom, not on the playground or a bathroom or anything, which leads me to believe not much more could happen beyond that too....it IS a big classroom though, so I'm not upset the teacher didn't "catch" it...they can't be everywhere at once

    And I sent the teacher an emails saying "I know conferences are this week, but I really would like to talk to you asap, can you please call me Tuesday"  and she responded almost immediately with her plan time that she is going to try and call, and her lunch time if she doesn't reach me at the plan time.  

    My rational side has kicked in after the freak out mama bear side, and while it is completely inappropriate and wrong, the side of me that says "They are JUST five year olds!" is telling me that this kid was probably just curious or something.....the bully part of "won't be your friend" does still bug me....but at this point, its not like I can hunt the kid down, so I'm trusting the school will deal with it.

    I praised her for telling me and told her that I hope if it happens again she comes to me or tells her teacher who would also be able to help her.  I gave big hugs and told her how much I love her.

    Bottom line---my parenting fail was not having the private parts conversation before school started.....we had that conversation last night.  It was a good talk...she had no clue what her private parts were.  When I explained "all the areas your swimsuit covers" and that she shouldn't show them to kids at school, or teacher, or anyone other than mommy or daddy or a doctor who needs to check things out when you are sick...she got a bit confused, because we aren't ashamed to be naked at our house....it common for my kids to run around naked before or after showers, they see me naked and my husband in boxers often. 

    SOOOO--if you haven't had that conversation, do it sooner than later!!!!!

     

    It sounds like you had a great conversation with your daughter, but please, please for the sake of that other child, report what was said to the school. His comments are sending up all kinds of red flags for possible abuse. Hopefully, that's not the case but it's always better to be safe than sorry.

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