- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Postpartum Depression
Journal Entry (Long)
My therapist is having me do journaling as a way to express how I am feeling because I'm not the best at talking about my feelings. I freeze up when I try to talk but when I write the words come more freely and openly. I would like to share my first journal entry with you ladies. It's rather long but maybe in sharing I can give someone the insight they are looking for if they are questioning why they feel the way they do. So here goes ..
I remember the days so vividly of staring at my naked pregnant body in the mirror. I felt beautiful and welcomed my growing stomach. I would spend a great deal of time just staring at my bulging baby bump, pampering it with sweet smelling lotions and massaging it while feeling him kick and move inside of me. The wonder of it all would take my breath away every time. From week to week I would stare in amazement at my expanding stomach. I was consumed with love for this child that was growing inside of me. Of course I would complain, ?Oh I?m so huge!? That all seems so silly and trivial now. And looking back, I loved it .. Being pregnant was fun and joyous and I felt carefree. I remember my first glance in the mirror after having him. It was a confusing moment. I remember standing in front of the mirror in the hospital bathroom and feeling consumed with an overwhelming grief because he was no longer inside of me. My stomach had already shrunk and I thought to myself in that moment, ?What is wrong Sara?? He was just outside of the bathroom. He was healthy and safe, so tiny and sweet. I remember putting on the hospital issued gown and the pain I was feeling from childbirth and in that moment my breath was taken away. This time it was panic that stole my breath. I was afraid to open the bathroom door and step out into the reality of it all. My mind starts to get blurred and fuzzy now. The first few weeks were physically draining. I remember trying to breastfeed and it not working. I remember feeling like I had failed him. And now looking back, I see it as just one of many failures that have been caused by me. The days and nights started to all run together. I was a wreck emotionally and mentally but I thought I was doing an ok job holding it all together. Of course I had many happy moments but then, and I can pinpoint the date, the days started to become all too much for me. The sadness outweighed the happiness. I can?t explain in words the way I was feeling. I felt myself becoming numb inside. I don?t particularly like mirrors anymore. I?m don?t recognize the reflection . I know it looks like me but at the same time it?s a complete stranger with sad empty eyes looking back. I avoid looking to long because the reflection frightens me. On one particular day I stared at the eyes in the mirror and I saw someone looking at me and I didn?t like that person. She was ugly. Not only just on the outside because she had let herself go. She was ugly on the inside for the way she was feeling. She looks like a sad, lost little girl. She?s afraid. She?s distant and mean, disgusting and rude. There?s so much hate she feels for herself that she projects it and spews it at others because she can?t handle feeling this way. She feels guilty and worthless and mostly like a failure. She?s tired and weak. She can?t seem to grip reality. And then I realize that person is me. And I cry. And my cries become wails because I don?t want this to be the reality of my life, the reality of me. My sweet little boy who looks at me with compassion and love and now with big smiles is looking at a person who doesn?t take the time to appreciate these fleeting moments in life. I?m so caught up in my depression that I can?t see past it. I have to believe that this is curable. That the person I?ve become will go away and the person I know I am will come back. That things will be happy. That I will enjoy life. That when I look in the mirror I will smile again at the reflection and see that it?s me and say, ?There you are.? Being diagnosed with PPD has had devastating effects on my family mostly. It?s a cruel, unfair condition that a new mother has to deal with. That a new family has to deal with. It?s an evil condition for a new mother who only wants to exude love for her new baby. Who only wants the best for her family. It?s a mean and disabling condition that overcomes every ounce of your being. Becoming a new parent is a huge adjustment that comes along with every emotion possible. When you add PPD to that adjustment you become unrecognizable to yourself and to those around you. I have PPD. I am fighting like hell to overcome it. I am not selfish, I am not lazy, and mostly I am not an unloving or uncaring mother or wife. I?m simply an imperfect person who is trying to cope with a tremendous physiological condition. I will not lay down and die. I will continue to fight. I'm needy because I'm sad, I'm scared and lonely in this disease. I feel inadequate as a mother. I need support. I need love and someone to hold me when I'm crying. I need someone to help me through this time of depression. I need someone to hold my hand and just listen when I need to talk. I don't need to be judged or made to feel stupid. I don't need to be belittled or made to feel like I am in the wrong. I want my life back.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Journal Entry (Long)
"Wearing his BING CROSBY clothes and crooning...buuuh buuh buuuh"