DH and I are not on the same page

JackieMac824 · October 2010

We both took our miscarriage hard - it was a huge loss for us - but we were ready to start TTC again in the beginning of the summer - then we had the genetic testing done that showed I have a blood clotting disorder and then I got so very sick for the majority of the summer - now I am feeling much better and I asked DH if we could start cycling again in the beginning of the year - new year fresh start and he said he was not ready - he wants to wait until Spring 2011. That just seems so far away to me - but at the same time I want him to be on the same page as me.

I spoke to his mother about it today and she said she thinks he is afraid for me - with the blood clotting disorder and the fact that any pregnancy would be more complicated now for me.

Not sure what we are going to do now. Has this every happened to anyone else - that your DH as on a different page as you treatment wise?

erinandbrockv · October 2010

I don't have any experience with this-but I just wanted to say that I hope both you and your DH can figure out what is best for you both and move forward. Thinking of you!

Sagenhaft · October 2010

I'm speaking purely from my experience here, since I know neither you nor your husband. But DH and I had the same issue. I got the clearance from my Drs to start trying to conceive, but there is a chance my problems could come back up. They said there's a small chance it would interfere with the pregnancy if it did come back, but that if it doesn't crop up by August 2011 then it is extremely unlikely that it will ever come back. DH wants to wait until then to start TTC, even though 10 months (at the time 12 months) seems like a lifetime away. But eventually I got it out of him that if anything happened to me or the baby, he's afraid he would resent me for not waiting until the doctors are as sure as possible that he won't lose either me or the baby. Well, when I think about the risk of him being left alone with a baby or having to experience losing a baby, then it's just not worth the extra few months. Anyway, compared to a lifetime with your new family, what is a few more months of waiting? I'm sure it will fly by. I don't know if this helps... but yes, you're not alone with this issue. I've been trying to keep busy doing pre-baby stuff and enjoying thinking "this is my last birthday without a baby / being pregnant" etc.

gidge · October 2010

I'm sorry you two aren't on the same page.... it seems like that makes the whole thing harder.

It took DH and I quite awhile to want the same thing. The only thing we agreed on was that we wanted to try IVF with his sperm if possible - we just didn't agree on what we would do if they didn't find any. Our 2nd IVF DH gave in and we didn't use ds because I didn't want to.

So now it's been about 6 months for us to get on the same page. He wanted to try ds and I wanted to adopt or try de. Time was really the only thing that helped us to get to the same place(and I've gone to see a therapist a few times).

((HUGS)) I really hope you two are able to come to an agreement on timing soon.

ETA: I think the one thing that helped us reach a compromise was a pg announcement by a close friend (their 2nd since we've been trying) and we know 2 more couples will probably be starting to try for their 2nd soon. So not really an ideal to make a decision but I guess nothing about IF is...

SLPMel · October 2010

Dh and I have struggled to be on the same page. I'm open to DS and Donor Embryos, and he would rather move on to Adoption. We have tabled things until we get a second opinion next month-it'll be interesting to see if we can get on the same page-even with Adoption we are not on the same page when we've discussed it.

psychmusetls · October 2010

just wanted to give some ::hugs:: maybe if the two of you sit down with the RE together and discuss risks and how you should proceed, maybe DH will come around.

Edwina.McDunnough · October 2010

I'm so sorry you're not seeing eye to eye about things. And I agree with psychmusetls that a discussion with your RE could help you find a plan to move forward that you are both happy with.

kekis · October 2010

We've been there many times, too, and it's so hard. You are scared enough to jump back in the waters again & needing your DH's support and comfort. He is scared as well, even if he doesn't know how to verbalize it. Continue talking about it and engage him in conversations with your RE or counselor as you can. Hopefully a compromise can be made in a timeline that works for both of you.

njohnson1972 · October 2010

Well, I have not been through what you and your DH have loss, but I have to admit that I think it is sweet that your DH is so concerned over losing you that he wants to wait. I hope you to can get back on the same page.

MoFree · October 2010

Jackie,

I'm really sorry you and your husband are having these issues. For a while my husband and I were not only not on the same page,but not even reading the same book. When he was first diagnosed with severe MFI, my reaction was to plunge immediately into IVF while his was to seriously reconsider a child-free life. When he finally was comfortable with the idea of using ART to create a family he was nearly killed in an automobile accident. Now, almost 10 months later he wants to postpone having children for a longer period than I can tolerate. Like your MIL says about your husband, my husband is fundamentally scared $hitless than something tragic could happen.

All I can suggest is that you keep talking about the issue, and to seek counseling, if you aren't already doing so. GL to you. I know personally how difficult it is to wait when it seems like everyone around you is either a parent, is pregnant or has already completed their family.

k-mart · October 2010

I don't have any expereince but I hope you guys are able to work it out and get to the bottom of it. Maybe he just needs the time to cope with the new infromation and be ready to try again.

nikinikinine · October 2010

oh Jackie, I'm so sorry my H and I weren't on the same page at the very beginning of our treatments - I wanted to be more aggressive sooner than he did (for both personal and insurance reasons) and he just wasn't there. In the end I caved and went the slow and steady route and I was always quite angry about it. I just felt like we were wasting time. From the 60 foot view now, I don't regret any of our decisions, but it was really hard for me to consider what he wanted considering it was MY body that was being sacrificed.

have you tried talking to him about his fears and what might be driving his desire to delay treatments again? Sometimes really getting to the root of things helps, but I'm sure you've had countless talks too.

Good luck with whatever you decide. xoxo

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