If I didn't, here it is...

ZZsmommy · October 2010

I thought I had introduced myself, but maybe I didn't. I am an elementary school teacher who is shocked at how many teachers are on these baby loss boards. I teach in an area where people don't value their children, so it really upsets me that people like teachers - who have dedicated their lives to other people's children - would have so much trouble having children of their own.

Anyway, I have a 2 year old son who was my miracle after a very difficult pregnancy. I have been TTC #2 since April. I had a BFP in July, but started bleeding when I was 6 1/2 weeks along. I prayed and hoped, but it wasn't meant to be - on July 29, I found out my baby had died some weeks earlier. July 29 was a particularly hard day, because about 8 hours after I found out I had a missed miscarriage, my father was found dead in his sleep. I scheduled a D&C for 2 days later, but on July 30 I had a natural miscarriage, and I saved the gestational sac and later buried it with my father's remains. On July 31, I had a D&C. When I first came home from the hospital on July 29, I was so torn up in grief - it was difficult to breath. My son was the one thing that kept me from curling up into a ball and just waiting to die. But then, a few hours later, my father died too, and it really pulled things into perspective for me. As a believer that all things do happen for a reason, I have to believe my father and my child are together, and that I will be blessed with another child.

My son's second birthday was on September 4. We released two balloons, one with a note to "Opa" and one with a note to our little one who we never got to know. It was an especially difficult day because that had been the day I had planned to announce my pregnancy (I was close to 8 weeks and had thought it should be safe - no such luck), so, as I was dressing him for his party (yes, we went through with the party even though we were not in a partying mood), I found his "I'm going to be a big brother!" shirt, and that brought on a new rash of tears....

There are constant reminders of the little one I have lost - a onesie I bought because it was cute, matching big sibling little sibling jammies I had picked up on sale because I was so excited about the baby, a weekly email that I get reminding me of where I am in my pregnancy that I have TRIED to unsubscribe to, but they just keep sending it. The hardest though was the other day, when I went to the dentist, and they made my 6 month checkup appointment. The date of the appointment was my due date - April 13. Just try explaining to the girl behind the counter why you are a complete emotional basketcase over an appointment card.

So, I am TTC again, yes, it is soon after the loss, but I really wanted my children to be closer rather than farther apart. As it was, they would have been 2 1/2 years apart. It took me a long time to conceive my son, (with 2 very early miscarriages as well) so I want to get going again. I just know that it is going to be long and hard even if I do manage to conceive quickly, because that fear of miscarriage is always going to be there now. I doubt there will ever be a time I will feel "safe". I was scared of miscarriage with my little boy, but I know it will be magnified again because of what happened last time.

Gummybear · October 2010

Welcome! I am so sorry for your losses of your babies and also your father.

I also have a DD who just turned 3 and we were so excited for the exact 3 year age difference. Now we are looking at 4+, most likely, and the whole sibling thing is my achilles heel in this whole thing; I am OK, but my heart breaks for her.

I hope your stay here is short and sweet.

ksulli · October 2010

So sorry about that awful mix of events. Welcome to the board!

Ryan&Kristin062009 · October 2010

Welcome to this board and I am so sorry to hear of your losses, as well as the loss of your father, that is so very tough

I don't think any of us will ever feel "safe" in our pregnancies because of what we have all gone through, but at least we have this community to support and be there for eachother through all the uncertainties.

VeilSdeGTO · October 2010

Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry about the loss of your LO and your father. I hope you find some comfort on this board. ((hugs))

ColleenS629 · October 2010

I'm sorry for your loss. Welcome to the board! I'm a teacher, too.

jesslw · October 2010

Welcome aboard! I am so sorry for your losses and the difficult time you've had. I wish you all the luck in the world TTC and I hope your stay here is short and sweet. Big hugs.