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Blended Families
Am I overthinking this? (Kinda long, I'm sorry!)
Hi, somewhat of a newbie here, and hoping to get some perspective.
My boyfriend and I have a wonderful blended family, with my son, and his two boys, and the baby we are expecting in early March. We've both been married before. He has 50/50 custody with his ex wife, which works out fine. When we first started dating, I noticed that the boy's BM wasn't very actively involved as much as the custody arrangement allowed her to be, and she was always calling or texting my boyfriend to have him take the boys back early, or have him keep them when it was her scheduled time. We never minded this, because we adore the boys, and he's a great father. Lately she's been much more involved, so we see her more regularly, with the drop off/pick up schedule. (Not complaining at all....we think it's great for the boys) 
She and I have always had minimal contact, and limited our speaking to just briefly communicating the current needs of the boys, when we did drop off/pick up(and this was only done if my boyfriend wasn't around to be the one to talk to her.) We've always been very cordial with each other, and she seems to have no problem with me. (She is also in a stable relationship, so I think that helps) She even offered to give my boyfriend and I the baby clothes she has, if we find out we're having a boy. The thought was very kind, but my boyfriend and I weren't quite sure what to make of it, because up until this point, his relationship with her has been very strained, because of the circumstances of the divorce. So it was quite unusual for her to all of a sudden act very 'buddy-buddy' with us.
The other week, however, I got a friend request on Facebook....from BM. My boyfriend received the same request on his Facebook page as well, the same day. I'm almost positive there are no hidden agendas behind the friend request, and normally I would just accept it and allow her access to my 100% private page. But there's just some thought in the back of my mind that makes me think, while I'm ok with her knowing the basic details of our lives, do I really want her knowing ALL of my info? Am I overthinking this, and should I just be an adult about it and accept it? My relationship with my ex and his wife is completely different, to the point where she and I have NO contact with each other, and so maybe I'm just not used to this yet. My first inclination is to of course, be nice about it.....but part of me still wonders if it's better to keep that whole side of our lives out of her business.
Sorry for rambling....I hope I made sense and didn't sound too ridiculous. Any perspective would help.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I overthinking this? (Kinda long, I'm sorry!)
I wouldn't accept the friend request, but that's me....I don't have 1,000,000 friends on FB and I keep mine to actual and true friends/family only. It depends how you operate your page, too - if you keep it free of every detail of your life, then it's probably ok. I don't post on FB more than like 1-2 times a month, update a few pics once every few months, but if your page is very detailed, then you're absolutely inviting her into your life, so to speak. It depends on your level of comfort what you're willing to share with her.
And as far as worrying about making her mad if you don't accept her request, I wouldn't worry about it. You're not obligated to accept every request, it's your decision and if she has some sense in her, she should understand. You could also spin it like, oh I don't even go on FB that much anymore - too busy...etc., or somebody hacked into my page before, so I don't share it with any more people (this actually happenned to a friend of mine)...there's a bunch of excuses you could come up with, if it ever came up in a conversation.
That is what I would do because if you don't accept her it will seem like you are snubbing her or have something to hide.
If you can do that, fine. I blocked BM from mine, but that was my own personal thing. Some things get taken out of text and I wouldn't necessarily want to know everything she does, either.
GL on your decision!
BM, her SO, SO, and I are all friends on FB. Part of the reason is because we're LDNCP and it helps us see a bit more into what's going on in the others lives as far as LO is concerned. It was BM who initially extended the request.
It's nice because it encourages her to be a bit more mature than she's been in the past. I've looked at her posts prior to the requests being sent and she does talk some raw dog smack. I think everyone being "friends" helps keep this to a minimum ( I haven't seen any trash talking since). Another great thing is we're able to see pictures of LO from each others homes. It's nice to see what she's upto and right now with BM deployed LO really likes looking at all the pictures on her Mommy's page.
Good luck with whatever you do and remember worse comes to worse you can block her.
It sounds like she's trying to be nice and make friends.
If you're uncomfortable, don't add her. But then don't complain later that you guys aren't friendly or whatever.
I'm FB friends with ex MIL and two ex SIL, but not exH.
I think overall, she probably only has good intentions. Her mom(who my boyfriend is still close to, because she's the grandparent) friend requested me on FB a while back, and I accepted, but I didn't think that was too weird because my boyfriend has a good relationship with his ex in-laws.
I need to sleep on it some more, I think, haha. My FB page is pretty detailed, mainly because I'm a very open person to my friends. I don't vent about anything there, but I do post updates about things such as baby appointments, stuff with the boys, and what is going on in our day-to-day lives. Nothing bad or anything like that.
I certainly don't see BM and I being the best of friends later in life, but I would like us to remain cordial and somewhat friendly, for the sake of the kids, and for my boyfriend.
I didn't know I could do this with specific people....I always thought it was an overall security thing. I'll check this out.....thanks!!
The only advice that I have... DO NOT friend your DH's ex. That is only asking for trouble in the long run.
What would the benefits be of her on your FB? Other than she could use things against you, know your friends/family, etc.
Just because careful because I don't see anything good coming from this!
This! It's one of the deciding factors for me when I ok'd BM's request on FB.
It would accept it. You and her having a good relationship is in the best interest of the kids. FB is public and you shoudl always assume that everything you post can be seen by anyone anyway so what would the harm be?
So as an update....I accepted the friend request, but limited her access a bit. In an effort to be a peacekeeper, my boyfriend also accepted her friend request (he is friends with a lot of her family on FB as well), and she's also added a bunch of his family on her FB in the last few weeks. She hasn't posted anything on my wall or made comments at all....I think she just genuinely thinks that enough time has gone by for everyone to have moved on, I guess. We'll see.
So, for now I'll keep my eyes on her. Although, in a nice gesture, she gave us a bunch of coupons and a can of powdered formula, and said she still gets the samples and will give us whatever we need for our upcoming baby. So, I thought that was nice....but again, I'm definitely keeping an eye on her, haha.